I Gotta Story To Tell

iCan't Believe It

2011-10-05T09:34:00.001-04:00

I am writing my very first entry from my iPhone. While I was preparing to post earlier I thought, surely there is an app for this; and true enough there in the App Store I found it. I had no idea that an hour later I would get the news that Steve Jobs had passed away. So it is fitting tribute that I write from here.

I find that I am no less moved by Steve's passion to make his dreams come true & augment our knowledge on what is possible than by the actual products he helped to create. All of our days are numbered, but we immortalize ourselves in the people that we touch, the places that we go, & the purposes that we work toward. His transformative touch changed the way we listen, read, & react to the world around us and there is no higher mark to press toward than that. Well done, Steve.

John Mayer - Stop This Train

Dating

2011-10-03T19:38:00.004-04:00

I've decided its past time. I've noted before that I signed up for Adam4Adam. This was done with the express purpose of finding a date; but as I am wont to do I ended up being so immersed in work for the last 11 months that I had not gone on. Until last week. It had to be sheer horniness, or loneliness; I do not know which is more powerful, that forced me back onto the site. I uploaded a picture and went to work looking for a boyfriend.

I acutely understood that most of the active members were probably on for the express purpose of hooking up, and though I didn't have disimilar aims, I did want to actually meet people. I've gone to West Hollywood (gay central of Los Angeles on many occasions, but had yet to actually summon the nerve to talk to anyone besides the my friend(s) that I'd brought along. I saw online as a more passive way to meet and connect with people. The result: Saturday I went on my first date with a guy. Ever.

Re-read

2011-10-03T19:29:00.003-04:00

Just re-read the draft to my 'moving to California post'. It is an interesting experience for me to get a true read on how I felt at certain intervals in my life. I find I have often...succumb to what I should do, think or say, instead of acting in accordance with how I truly feel. It was interesting to see an umblemished record of my life through my perspective and not a jaded recollection later down the line. I wonder if other bloggers get the same experience when rereading their own posts.

It is sad to see several of the bloggers who I have followed have stopped writing. I myself am no less guilty of the same crime; yet there are those who press on much to my delight.

Sneaking...

2010-09-11T00:13:00.003-04:00

Sooo been trying to adjust to the west coast. I love it and have blogged a long explanation of my time off and what's been going on. It's still under construction as it's kind of lengthy. I have trying to keep up with everyone, though it's a bit difficult. Birthday next week. Who wants to go to Vegas?!

Vacation Over

2010-05-14T20:10:00.003-04:00

Well, in my last post I said that my next post would be coming from Manhattan Beach. I came and left and had a great time in between. That was about four weeks ago; and yet this post is from California nonetheless. That is because I am now a resident of the state. Yeah, you read that correct. I loved the place so much that I moved there...here. I went back to my old life for a few weeks, wrapped my time there up and moved to Los Angeles.

At first, while I was toying with the idea of moving out west all the logistics of such a move seemed like a staggering task and though it was, I somehow managed it. Please excuse my momentary self satisfaction. I must admit to feeling quite accomplished for having pulled this off. The whole thing happened so quickly it was like I had never even left to go back and gather up my life in the first place.

I am at the moment being forced to help a relative [living on the other side of the country] with a presentation, so I'll have to explain exactly HOW a vacation, turned into a complete rearranging of my life a but later. Love reading what's been happening with you all.

LA LA Land

2010-04-12T22:46:00.004-04:00

Ok. My computer broke (again), my boss/mentor quit, I got a flaming ass replacement boss, missed out on a new job opportunity, declined a promotion, and have been asked several times by my mother to move back home. But none of that matters right now because in 24 hours; this time tomorrow, I will be stepping off a jet at LAX and will inhale a lungful of California air. My Spring Break is a bit late but deserved IMHO.

In a list of necessary evils flying is very highly ranked for me. It bothers me more than I will admit to anyone. I drove to California seven years ago and will not attempt to do such again, so a plane is an essential discomfort that I will endure to get out West. I'll most likely be on my iPod touch d-_-b the entire flight.

Hopefully I'll be able to update with pics and such while I'm there. But there's no telling. I'm staying in a beach house for a week, with a Range Rover and Mercedes at my disposal. :-) and I get to see my little cousins whom I adore. My boss will coincidentally be there as well, so maybe I'll see him too before I return to Ga. So far it seems to be a promising trip. I get a whole week on the pacific. I wish I were in beach shape, but won't sweat it too much. I only go every three or four years, so I'll just enjoy the vacation. I have to get some sand too. I collect it from all the beaches I visit. I have a few bottles from different places in the US. So hopefully the next update I make will be from Manhattan Beach, California.

What Do I Say If They Ask If I'm Gay?!

2010-01-25T01:56:00.005-05:00

Just re-read my "What's with All The Sudden Interest" post, and realized that I got some comments that I kind of left hanging in mid-air. So, I feel like a bit of a fool for not saying thank you to naturgesetez, goleftatthefork, A. Friend, Aron2631, AEK, and Bruce. My computer, job and housing situation all changed around those weeks, so I had been thrown off posting and hadn't really recovered since. Thank you for your kinds words and encouragement. If you all have posted and received comments on your respective blogs, I'm sure you know the feeling it brings when someone takes the time to read what you wrote and respond. I find myself a more confident adult in 2010. There is something that troubles me. Wanting very badly to be in a relationship has me edging toward becoming more open about my sexuality. My family is the real tricky part here. 6 months ago my mother asked me about marriage and my thoughts on children. At the time I panicked and thought she was fishing for answers. Answers to questions that made me think..."what do I say if they ask if I'm gay?" [I love how this rhymes! It was intentional.]

What I am going to say is simply the way that I am evaluating my current situation with my family by highlighting points made by those who commented and things from the conversation between my mother and myself. Please, please feel free to comment on, suggest, challenge, point out, add to, or discuss anything that follows.

@ naturgesetz: I can't tell them I like guys. There are so many reasons why I can't do it that it isn't even funny. I honestly haven't decided whether I'm marrying a woman or deciding to choose a man. In fact, I think it would be best to do some dating before I make any decision to talk to them about this. It could be that I choose to have a traditional family and kids. It is horrific to contemplate explaining to my family that I've had a change of heart and am getting married to a woman after telling them I like boys. Plus I feel like I just hit my stride with my parents. We've never had a strong relationship and now that I finally am getting somewhere, adding something like this to the equation has too great of a magnitude to measure. To me the consequences are too far reaching and potentially negative to measure.

@ goleftatthefork: My parents are very speculative people, which compounds the fact that I don't share anything about myself. I was a very private child. I was a private teenage; and six years after graduating and moving our I haven't changed much. My parents have no idea about what's going on in my life at any given time. Again, I'm not a parent so my lack of knowledge of how their brains work really hurts me here, but I know my parents talk about stuff like this. Their motivations and conclusions about the topic is really what concerns me. Do I think they know... no. Have they at some point had this conversation... probably yes.

@ A.Friend: Haha. My younger brother would be OK if I said that I loved a tree. He would think me a bit weird if I did, but we wouldn't change much except for the fact that he would probably have something extra to tease me about [which is what we do to each other]. My oldest sister would want to talk about it and try to be understanding and make herself very available. It's my older brother and my sister [the bloody gay one] close to me that I'm unsure about.

@ aron: I actually thought you were spot on. I figured my sister has the strongest suspicion. Being gay, I guess she can spot the 'signs' if there are any that I've missed [gotta ask Jake if I exhibit any signs, now that I think about it]. LoL. I'm brave. I'll face the fear for now.

Aek: Whew. Thank God, my father hasn't asked me anything. He has no shame with questions. He will just straight up ask anything that occurs to him. Which is part of the reason I think he doesn't know. Either it hasn't occurred to him or he is afraid of the answer.

@ Bruce: The closest is very comfortable right now. LOL! I think I prejudiced the post about conversation between my mom and me with my paranoia. I think I made it seem as though she was reaching out for me. Now, months later it seems as though she was just interested in general about me. I mean I am very much a mystery to my parents. Outside of music, basketball, and my favorite color they know very little about me.

@ DBC: I have and will continue to think on what you've shared. Thanks!

There is nothing about my immediate demeanor or actions that would suggest that I am homosexual or [as I am in reality] bisexual. There is simply no evidence. How would they know? :( For those that think they do know, please tell me what are some determining factors in discerning how to spot someone who is gay.

Invention is to Necessity as Horniness is to......

2009-12-24T02:20:00.004-05:00

... Signing up for a gay social network. Yep, that's right I did it. Adam4Adam. I was so scared, because I didn't know how deep the ramifications could resound. It took me 10 minutes to hit the create account button. Most daring thing I've done in the past few months, I mean I didn't post any pictures, or give any semblance of my real name, or describe myself in any distinguishable detail, so I can't honestly say there was any danger in opening a profile. I managed to convince myself that this was simply a soft check into the site; a way to peek and see if gay guys were as cookie cutter as they appear in pop culture, or if we are as varied as I hoped. Um, it was interesting. I was glad to see not everyone tried to dress up like Lady Gaga, and there were guys who were had similar outlooks for partners that I did, like the guy that posted this:

college grad. still needing a brother

24, 5'11", 195lb, 32w, Muscular, Brown Hair, Some Body Hair, White, Looking for Friendship, 1-on-1 Sex.

just moved to Columbus from Athens. Graduated UGA 08. Served two years in Military as an MP. Discreet. Have own place. Like guys around my age (younger/older). You must be goodlooking. Like dark skin guys. No fems or flames.

hanging with friends. all straight i guess. just needing a bud once a week or so to screw.

Military, Out No, Smoke No, Drink Occasionally, Drugs No, Zodiac Leo.

Top, 8" Cut, Safe Sex Only, HIV Negative, Prefer meeting at: My Place.

Made me laugh, but I feel very much the same.... except maybe about the screw once a week. We'd have to kick that up to three times a week for the first few weeks. I'm not sure whether it's coincidental or maybe it's the result of a conversation I had with Jake earlier that made me sign up for the site. I've known about it for a while. David is on there and often visits. I tease him about being on porn whenever I peek into his room and see him on :}

Anyway, Jake and I have been texting not so much conversations as damn novels recently. After our small strip tease a week back and me asking probing questions about oral and anal sex frequently, tonight I chose to ask what he preference as far as type of men. Turns out we both covet smiles. Teeth are an important asset, especially to me as they are a useful tool for disarming people. Apparently when I meet people for the first time I looking mean, so I tend to smile to assure them that I am friendly and approachable... but I digress. I decided not long ago that Jake was as trustworthy a person as I know, and that I would have a raging hard-on forever if I don't get some insight in this new world.

So, we talked about our individual types were. Jake said he like them funny, sweet, sexy and flirty, and I confessed about my thing for jocks, whew. Love 'em. Short hair, nice chest, good smile, what more do I need..... my pants just got a little tight... got to readjust... and there we go... I told Jake that I need someone who can fight, that way we can wrestle each other's clothes off ;> and if we get into a tight spot at the club [or anywhere for that matter] he has to be able to "throw the hands" [my kid brothers term for fight], so I know he has my back. Must love Disney; that requires no explanation. We LOL and compared and contrasted. It was helpful. Made me very conscious later on what to look for while browsing Adam4Adam.

The site also made me wonder how many guys are walking around like me. Are there other people horny and frustrated and looking for a guy, but not quite willing to put it all out there? I asked Jake a few weeks ago what are the signs if a dude is interested. He said, "Same way with girls. They flirt. Excessive talking. You can just tell. They come around you for dumb reasons. Things like that. Same as normal." Now, to me this made sense. If I see a guy that's attractive, or a girl, I tend to try to find questions to ask, reasons to stand close to or look at them, etc. If they work at the place where I spot them all the better. Make's getting and retaining their attention easier. However, there is a stark difference between flirting and walking away with someone's phone number. I think my lack of interaction with gay guys really hurts me here, because I have no idea what the "code" or special way of recognizing each other is, or if we even have one. And if not, do the rules that Jake is talking about still apply for a guy trying to get another guy's attention.

***So this is an call to all man-whores, committed guys, headhunters and glory-hole gods. How do you pull guys?! How is it done?*** please feel free to explain in a comment on this post or make your own post breaking down your technique and hyperlink it.

How Low Can You Go?

2009-12-12T03:09:00.004-05:00

OK...had some fun in the great indoors tonite. Jake, a cute guy from work and I struck up a friendly conversation via text message today. Now, I am notoriously poor at returning texts. It's not intentional, I just get immersed into whatever I'm doing and texting slips my mind. Apparently the same goes for phone calls.

Well, Jake and I started at about 2pm yesterday. We joked a bit about various topics. We eventually got to my homosexual experiences, if such a laughable record could be called experience. He told me that I could ask anything I wanted to know about. So I asked. The conversation turned out to be enlightening. We discussed everything from bottoming, oral sex, identifying and responding to flirting, and a few things in between. In the midst of the conversation we drifted to why he doesn't top. He said because he's too large and it hurts people. Naturally my mind spun with the possibilities, and naturally not having a bevy of experience with dick, I wanted to see his. So, for about three hours we teased each other about one sending a picture to the other. I initially decided to go safe, and took a pic of my lower body, with my hand grabbing my junk. He countered with a picture of his lower abs.

I have mentioned that I am an "in the moment" guy. The less time to think I have, the more "fun" I am according to sources. I got swept up in the moment and finally I acquiesced, praying that this would not come back to haunt me, went to the bathroom, snapped some shots in the mirror. I started with some pubeage [sic] and just a peek of shaft and then took four more progressively lower pictures, each showing more than the previous.

In my mind I tried to think of all the ways that this could spin out of control and take a giant bite out of my rear. A few minutes later I receive a picture from Jake similar to mine. For the time, being "in the moment" was paying off. I decided that I like this game; enough in fact, to raise the stakes. I message a little dare about upping the ante and sent a second picture. Though I am a shy person, and I detest that I let my physique fall into disrepair, curiosity and my tendency to be bold "in the moment" pushed me. I had to wait a little longer, but sure enough was more of Jake's dong. ***Since it has been so long since I posted, Jake would be cute, out gay guy that works with me. Everyone loves him. Cool dude.***

Being horny, and having the breadth of my same sex experience happen at a club nearly a year ago, I was hype. My pictures came out decent. I was actually laughing because it looked like I had plenty of dick. DOES NOT seem that way in person, but I guess I should ask someone to look around there and give me there opinion ;).but back to the story....2am... Low wasn't low enough. I sent my third picture. I guess I was all in, but I still couldn't reveal the full monty just yet. The fourth picture was me in all my humble glory, but I needed to know if he would go for it. I had ran out of penis at that point anyway.

My hopes were dashed however. I did not receive a third picture from him. He fell ASLEEP!!!!! To be fair he had driven a few hundred miles on a road trip for the weekend and it was nearly 4am at this point. I vow compensatory actions, but let him sleep. I'm gonna ask to touch it or something freaky....damn I just planned ahead. Whatever I ask for, I won't plan it. I'll wait and play it by ear, see what I come up with...any suggestions?

Also, I asked Jake how to approach and/or tell if a guy is interested. He gave me some very concrete tips. If there is something that any veterans or just plain lucky mofos want to add, I welcome it.

KInda just bored

2009-11-23T13:58:00.002-05:00

Hi all. I know its been over two months since I posted, I've kinda just been bored and lazy and not logged on, mostly cause nothing of note has been happening since my birthday. I have been trying to stay abreast of the life and happenings of the blogs I follow. Hopefully in a few weeks I start back.. Keep posting as I enjoy hearing your triumphs and empathize with your failures.

Johnny and Tiffany on the spot

2009-09-16T01:14:00.005-04:00

I actually have quite a bit to blog about, so there should be a few posts during this week. I turned 23 on Monday, and my best friend threw me a massive birthday party!

Today however is dedicated to seeking advice and telling an interesting story:

At around 8:30pm I met a boy. I was walking out Best Buy with Tiffany (my BF). She had just bought The Wolverine DVD. Well on the way out the door I spot this tall, tan hispanic guy. I clearly know the guy is hot right off the bat. But walking up to a random guy and hitting on him is out of the question. Instead I point him out to Tiffany and suggest that she approach him, give her a small push in his direction and flee the scene. She punks out and completely passes him by. I could not let her off the hook. She's a very pretty girl, but i know firat impressions isn't really her arena.

So (with my little brother talking to me in my bluetooth headset) I bust a U-turn, stroll back into Best Buy, and find the guy. He looks up and I see in his eyes that he recognizes me from outside. So, I walk up to him and asks if he has a sister. He tells me yeah, but she back home in Texas. At this point I have to backpedal a bit. My bait didn't work because there is NO way I would put him and a sister that lives 1500 miles away together. So, I decide to roll with the truth. I tell him that my friend saw him outside and thought he looked cute, but was too shy to talk to him. I'm conflicted now, because I want to tell him that I think he's hot too, but I was too cognizant of my brother on the phone, Tiff waiting outside, and all of the last minute shoppers and staff at Best Buy to say this. Instead I play it cool, shrug and walk away. My heart was beating so fast. I had just called a man cute without anyone, including myself for a few moments realizing.

He calls out to me. I wanted to hang up the phone and drag him to the bathroom. Instead I half turn and lift an eyebrow. He tells me that he just needed some batteries and he'd be out in a bit. I nod my head non-commitally and walk out the door. I convince Tiffany to wait for him as we chill in the parking lot. I stayee out of the car so that the two of them could talk once he came out. I try to coach her a bit as we wait. She's not the confident type, but I can't let her blow this for either of us.

He comes out of the store and nearly misses us. I was leaning in the car window giving tips, and when I saw him I stood straight and waved. He came right over. I was going to let Tiffany bag now that I had cornered him, but she wasn't even able to speak. So, I again stepped in and introduced her, leaving a blank space open for him to give his name. Johnny, he tells us. I rolled the name over my tongue, wishing I could someday moan it while naked. Since he is dressed in athletic gear I ask if he plays anything. He replies Basketball and football. He instantly in. Both Tiffany and I love basketball. It was one of the first things we bonded over. I can tell her interests perks even more. He has a great build, so I ask if he's military (which isn't uncommon as there is a base close). I asked how long he's been in the city (as Tiffany has not taken over the convo yet *sigh*). He tells us one year. I prob for friends, hangouts, and hobbies. Then I ask for his phone number. I suggest that he and Tiff exchange info, and at this moment she finds her tongue and I take a stroll.

I watch from afar, my brother following what he can while on the phone. When I see him stand up straight I return quickly. I realized that I hadn't introduced myself yet. I walk up and he turns to me. I shake his hand. I thought for mpment he was going to go for a hug, but nothing happens. I tell him we'll call him and he goes for his car.

I quickly copy hie phone number from Tiff's phone to mine. There was no way I was going to give her the chance to lose it. We talk about him on the way to her apt, and end up putting the movie on hold trying to decide our next move. I try to express interest for her to start a dialogue, thinking the entire time about what lengths I would go through to see him again. One of my roommates and I play basketball twice a week. I think I'm going to invite him the next time we go out.

That's all for now. My computer has been giving me trouble for weeks, and I had to type this post on my ipod touch. Sorry for any typos.

Lean and Reach

2009-08-18T20:24:00.003-04:00

Work went pretty quick this morning. I feel a little guilty though. I played a bit of a peeping tom today.

I adding a fixture for some extra stuff that came into the store this morning. It required me to get on a ladder and set it up. While gathering the materials that I needed, I noticed that the new guy (oh his name is Allen) had the same shirts. I told him that I was putting them up and he could put his set with mine.

He came over to me and I asked him to get on the ladder because I changed my mind about how it should be set up, so I stood under him as I guided him as to how I wanted it. My new set-up required him to lean over and reach. This resulted in me being able to see right up his shirt. I admit without shame that I exerted my best efforts to keep him on that ladder for as long as possible.

In other unrelated news, My 23rd birthday is swiftly approaching. I'm feeling quarter-life crisis is coming with it, so I must do my best to feel accomplished within 4 weeks.

Not Much Going On

2009-08-16T11:11:00.003-04:00

My life is really boring right now. Kinda just work and home. I did have to buy a new phone on Thursday. My phone decided that it was going to do what it wanted despite my objections. So, I ended up spending $300 on a new blackberry. The good thing is that I get a mail in rebate, so I get some $$ back.

I do have to work more on my 'I don't care face'. We have a new guy at work and trying to be friendly I started light conversation. This ended up being the a recap to the last five years of his life! Like personal information that should be withheld until you know someone much better. I was sad to learn that he had a girlfriend. I figured he would, cause he's moderately good-looking but that doesn't stop me from imagining him in my shower haha. He had to reach high for something last week and his shirt came up a little, FIT!

What's With The Sudden Interest?

2009-07-08T21:55:00.012-04:00

I decided to visit my family for the fourth of July weekend. At first I thought to work because I wanted the extra money, but then reasoned that I hadn't been home in a while and missed the people with whom I share genetic sequences.

I didn't tell my little brother because I love just showing up. He was at the basketball court and my mom and I went to pick him up. He thought I was our father at first. I laughed and enjoyed the fact that he was surprised and happy that I was home. He is starting to look more like an adult which is disturbing to me.

Though the primary people that I wanted to see were my niece and brother, I actually ended up spending most of my time with my mom. I'm the middle child and have felt kinda swept under the rug, but over the last year my mom and I have grown closer. I've moved into the dependable child role, this being justified from the evidence that the moment I walked in my mom counted off a list of things she needed done for the house. I was during one of these projects [me re-doing a window treatment] that the conversation somehow steered to relationships. We were talking about people we know having children, and marriage, etc, and my mother asks "What about you?" I damn near fell of the step-ladder I was using.

I didn't know why she thought to ask me this at first, but it dawned on me that I'm the only of her children that is never visibly in a relationship. My oldest brother brought his ex-fiancee to visit four years ago, had a child last year and expecting another in the late winter. My sister has brought several female "friends" over the house [she is lesbian]; and though my baby brother has just ended his first serious relationship with a girl, he has introduced us to his lasts few girlfriends, and he's still in high school. I have not so much as mentioned that there was someone in my life.

I do not know what goes on in the mind of a parent, but I'm afraid. Here is their handsome [all parents think this of their kids] son, who is smart, with no girlfriend to speak of. There has not even been mention of a girl, even in passing, in at least ten years. I know my parents. They are nosy and tend to speculate when we are not around. I'm sure they have begun to wonder and one has brought up the conversation to the other. The conversation I dreaded them having. The conversation that I knew would come up eventually. The one that I hoped would not come up before I was 30.

"You want children" She asked when I said nothing. I told her that I take being a parent very seriously and I might not have children as I enjoy being an uncle, but could possibly change my mind. "What kind of girl do you like? White girl, black girl?" That's what she asked next. I decided that, whether intentional or not, she set the sword up and I didn't have to fall on it. So, I took a deep breath and told her the truth. "I always figured that I would marry someone a few years younger than me. But ethnicity isn't important. I'm more concerned about what's between their ears."

That seemed to satiate her, but as I was typing this I had a little back and forth with my brother. I told him that our mother asked me a personal question. He asked if it was whether I was homosexual or not. Now, I know my brother. The fact that he used homosexual made me think that he was trying to use a word that would be non offensive, if by chance I was attempting to come out to him. That's great, it means that some of me has rubbed off on him. But it also means that the thought has run through his mind as well. He told me that he would have asked me if he thought I was gay, and that he has gay friends and I don't fit the mold. He did confessed that my sister [the one right above me {the gay one (the one that could just ask me if she was curious!)}] had asked my mother if I was straight or not. When I asked him about further details he said it was a time ago and that he could not remember the rest of what he overheard.

Note: This will only cause me to retreat farther into solitude. Not only will I now continue to NOT discuss my dating life. I will not discuss anything in relation to what I deem resembles a question that delves into the realm of touching something that pertains to or could breach the subject of my personal life.

Today The Music Died

2009-06-25T22:42:00.001-04:00

The King is Dead......

Awkward.....

2009-06-06T13:37:00.003-04:00

My life is still moving at a lightning fast pace with.....challenges each day, but I'm handling it pretty well if I can toot my own horn. The only problem is that I've been tooting my own horn for months now. I want to toot someone else's. Or at least let them toot mine ':) actually someone did want my horn; and still disturbs me to think about it.

It started at work. I was exploring the building that I work at, it being massive and all, and I saw a familiar face. I tried to ignore him, but he was going the same way I was and soon fell in step with me. I saw realization dawn on him as recognized my face. I swore mentally because I realized that he had been shopping at my other job recently. That is when he asked me if I worked there. I confirmed that I did and we introduced ourselves. That very night he showed up at my other job. Luckily we were closing and I had locked the doors already. He yelled his name through the glass and told me to email him at our mutual workplace. I agreed. This was Monday.

Needeless to say I did not email him. On Wednesday he saw me in the hallway and admonished me for not emailing him. Now, I was busy trying to learn how to do my job, I didn't have the damn time to email him. I told some lie and he let it go. He did however ask me for my name. I gave it and when I got back to my desk there sat an email in my inbox from him.

I decided to be mannerful and email him back. Apparently he took that as showing interest and he sent me his cell phone number. I was taken back. He then asked for mine. I immediately saw the stupidity of his approach and would not allow myself to commit the same dumb mistake. I also didn't want my mobile number flying around this building. So, I texted him instead, daring to hope that I was wrong about the feeling in my stomach. We messages back and forth and ended up inviting my out. I of course thought that he meant a multi-person function. After consulting with David I came to the realization that he wanted to go on a date.

I couldn't believe it. I was trying hard not to panic as I got ok the bus to head to the other job. I was snapped out of shock by my cell phone ringing. My "corporate" job's ID popped up on the screen. I thought that my trainer was calling me. It was him trying to confirm whether I would be attending a get together at his house tonight. I told him that I had to work and couldn't promise that I'd make it. I was quietly flipping out as I dialed David and gave him the rundown.

As I rode I prayed that this fool wouldn't be bold enough to show up to my job. He didn't but I did receive another text asking if I minded if it was just me and him tonight. If not for several people being in close proximity I would have strung together a colorful group of cuss words.

Right before I go to work I called Tiffany and we talked about it briefly. She was as shocked as I was. She doesn't know that I actually am interested in guys, but I draw the line at 35+ year old stalkers who prey on new staff.

I took a while before I replied. When I did I told h that I had already invited my girlfriend to the movie night and couldn't blow her off now. He texted back that he thought I was single. I did not reply.
The chance of me seeing dude again are terribly high. Any suggestions on how to not make this awkward? I mean I want a boyfriend, but I have heard how badly people get talked about in this building. I definitely don't want my name in that mix.

4 weeks of Madness

2009-05-26T16:52:00.006-04:00

I hope this short update doesn't turn into some long rant. I'm writing this on my iPod touch, which I still have not been able to put down. For those who have checked in on me from time to time, I just want to thank you. I have been continuing to read everyone's blogs, despite not commenting as frequently. My job(s) has been kicking my rear for the last 4 weeks. We are nearing the completion of training and I'm not performing at level that I'm happy with.

In other news, I saw Star Trek the night it came out and must reiterate the superlatives that it has earned. Good movie. Oh! Speaking of movies, Aek reminded me of somethig when he posted about the gay gene. While watching the previews for Angels & Demons, I saw the trailer for the new Cameron Diaz movie: My Sister's Keeper. I think this is the 1. If you've read my 10 things about me, then you know that I'm not very emotional. I often heard about ppl crying b/c of a sad movie, then I see it and it really isn't that sad to me. Well ppl were straight crying after watching just the trailer. My eyes were watery and stuff after seeing it. I couldn't believe it. But the movie is gonna be the 1 that just breaks me down. I know it sounds pathetic, but I rarely make an emotional investment in the characters; then I find it hard to empathize when tragedy strikes. The kids in this movie act their asses off. I don't think anyone who sees it will leave unaffected by the performance (based on what i've seen.)

Other than that it's kinda been work, work some more, eat in between, then try to salvage some sleep.

I love Apple

2009-04-30T22:05:00.002-04:00

Just got an iPod touch last weekend and I already can't live without it, and it only compounds my desire to get an iphone. I like my blackberry, but I downloaded some very helpful apps today that just completely won me over. I'm probably gonna give my touch to my baby brother and buy an iPhone and a 32GB touch this summer.

I'm too busy to have anything else exciting to report. Only that I will be moving two times very shortly. Once into my old roommates apartment, then again when we find a house. Hopefully the house comes soon after. We saw a few we liked a lot, and though the process remains more less than difficult than I expected but more that I hoped it would be, I retain hope that come early May I'll be settled for a while.

Other than that I've been working with no end in sight. So much so, in fact, that I feel diminished at other things. And it's funny cause the people that know me well are looking like "E, are you slipping?". I keep thinking "Well, you work 70 hours a week, juggle finding a house, a car, clearing up your credit, and finding a way to fit summer school into your schedule, THEN tell me how long you perform at a peek level."

Enough ranting. Gotta shower and try to get the most from 5 hours of sleep.

Razz, Remembered

2009-04-19T15:20:00.006-04:00

I just read a post on NG's blog about a fellow blogger named Razz. He died on March 26, and through whatever miracle, his best friend managed to contact one of the bloggers here to report the news. After several weeks without posting, I had started to believe that he might have passed. He died from complications of pneumonia, though his recently discovered bone cancer is what weakened him the most. The levity at which he handled his condition will always be inspiring to me.

Razz was so very integral to my experience here. He was the first person to reach out to me when I started my own blog, and I will never forget the time he took to provide a perfect balance of advice and humor. His sagacity, bravery, and cleverness will not be forgotten.

To his family and friends, please let the memories of his love and your time together comfort you. To the many of us who met him online, I know you share the pain I feel at such news because you are acutely aware of how exceptional a person he was. To those who haven't had the blessing of stumbling upon his blog I hope it will remain a testament to the person he had been, and it will continually remind me of what I want to be like when I grow up. Razz, the enormity of your strength absolutely astounds me. To Chris, Cheers!

Razz

Week 4

2009-04-19T02:20:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't been posting much, but that's because my time has not been my own. Between starting a new job, working 70 hours at that one and my previous job this week, planning the purchase of a car, and trying to move into a house with three close friends, I have been completely tied up.

Whirldwind Week

2009-04-05T02:55:00.007-04:00

Where do I begin...ok. After a very speedy hiring process I finally began at my new job on this past Wednesday. It was more than I imagined. Just walking on the premises was fulfilling, but it was very difficult, and I will explain why.

Wednesday, a day I both feared and eagerly anticipated arrived in a flash. I awoke that morning with a familiar feeling. Fear, excitement, apprehension molded into a driving force that coalesced in the pit of my stomach. It was the same feeling that I had had when I had first moved back to Miami with my family and I was preparing to begin middle school; the same feeling as my first day of high school AND my first day of college. An innate instinctual reaction had built up inside of me. Again I had the opportunity to create a whole person from nothing. No one knew me. I could take all the things that I liked from other people and use them to transform myself into something wholly admirable.

I very nearly did not take the chance. I was frustrated from not being able to find a true source of transportation. I had to be at the facility for training at 6am. It was the only training class available. I cringed initially at what waking up that early everyday for 12 weeks would mean for my sleeping habits, but I recalled the pay and shook the thought. Wasn't this the chance that I had prayed for? The one that I had seen everyone get and squander? I had told myself that if I ever got my foot in the door that I would never carelessly let something like this elude my grasp. My phone's dull ring tone broke the six a.m. silence. It was the cab driver telling me that he was downstairs. I glanced once more in the mirror to check my appearance. It offered me a glimpse of realization that this was really happening.

The cab driver knew exactly where I needed to go. That did not stop him from passing the turn. He offered up an empty apology. I told him to stop. I paid him and walked back to the building that housed my future. It only took my half a mile on foot to reach the water fountain that the HR lady had told me would be my signal that I had reached the correct building. I strode up to the golden double doors. This feature seemed to be a recurring symbol among the corporate buildings for this company.

I pulled my new badge from my pocket and fixed it to my belt. The badge is designed to be a name tag and entry key for employees. I scanned my badge over the black sensor situated next to the golden rotating door. I waited, yet nothing happened. I scanned it again. Still nothing. I stepped to an alternate set that allowed security to admit visitors. Through the glass I could see the guard sitting behind the desk. He let me in and greeted me. I told him it was my first day and my card was not functioning properly. He scanned it over his own pad at the security counter. His facial expression told me that something wasn't quite right. He made an adjustment and handed it back to me .

After he seemed satisfied with whatever he fixed, I asked for directions to the bathroom. He told me and I skirted the security station and entered the corridor leading from the vestibule. The place was simply beautiful. There was a considerable amount of detail put into the design and it showed. The very first wall had a expertly crafted collage denoting the history of the company, from its' founding by three brothers half a century ago, to its' international expansion in recent years. I was further rewarded with a lounge area next to the restrooms. It was quite large. I was impressed. My awe didn't last long as another security guard approached me. He asked that I come with him.

I was escorted back to the security station that I had visited shortly before. There seemed to be some joke that I was not in on. They again asked for my badge, scanned it and stared at the screen. They made another adjustment and I received my badge back. The officer that had escorted me back gave me a quick tour, showing me the lounge (that I had already discovered), the restrooms, and my training classroom. Though I was paying attention, I was also looking for signs of cameras. The officer had found me so quickly that it had unnerved me.

I was not able to spot a single camera during our tour, which culminated with us getting coffee in the lounge where he had found me. Eventually the time came and I carefully retraced our tour to the classroom where I would be prisoner for 12 weeks. Our trainer introduced himself and my first day officially started. Eight hours later I realized that we had done nothing but joke and talk. It was the easiest day of work in memory.

I had decided the night before to implement a new strategy with this job. I wanted a low profile. I disdain attention. I means that someone is always watching me. It means that expectations rise and my berth of responsibility grows. I would do everything to fight that at this job I told myself. So, when the trainer took roll I had already decided to not answer too many questions, not to correct anyone, not to use any "big" words, not to try and shine in any fashion. I just wanted to be average all around, an ordinary student. Then he asked the question that I had been dreading. He wanted to know who the bilingual employees were. A young lady raised her hand. I resolutely left mine flat on the desk. In my world, this was a set up. If I raised my hand it would tie me to a set of expectations that I was not willing to embrace just yet. The trainer looked around the room confused. He said that he thought there were more bi-lings that just her. So, he went for the profiles. He asked, "Who is E?" My stomach dropped. Our eyes met as I slowly raised my hand. He sat the paper down, satisfied at having ID-ed the other bi-ling. Then he made a reference as to whether anyone could speak anything else. My hand rose on its' on accord and I told him that I was literate in French.

Oh, how I wish I could take this back, because it wasn't long after that that I received my nickname, on the first day no less! I'm am now known as "The Interpreter". Far too much attention I told myself as I resolved to say nothing for the remainder of the training. Then as if to remind me that WHEREVER I go there will be something that points me out, I am visited once more by security. Oh yes, they came to my class. Again, they requested my badge. They left and returned with it later. This time I was told the reason for their puzzled looks. It turns out that my badge belonged to a 47 year old white guy that was terminated recently. No one altered the credentials in the system and when it was scanned, the guy's face popped up instead of mine! After a few laughs we settle down. So much for the my plan of laying low. When I came in on Tuesday I would find that half the building now knew the story.

In spite of my plans being thrown slightly of whack, the rest of the day went well. A friend came and picked me up afterward and we went to Panera Bread. It was soooooooo good. One of the good things about starting the day so early is that it ends early also, and I had lots of time to hang out and have fun afterward. I do find that I am still heavily scheduled at my other job. I found a bus that actually stops close to the building of my awesome job and puts me out close to my retail job, so I am in effect balancing the two rather well. I had to work at both jobs on Thursday and Friday, so it was a test run for me as to whether I could effectively do both jobs. The results were pleasing. I think the most appealing part is that I have now have two incomes!

Updates coming soon

2009-04-04T10:15:00.002-04:00

I post this as I'm getting ready for my other job. I have had a fantastic week full of challenges and triumphs; disappointments and determinative changes. I will post all about my awesome new job, my burgeoning role at my other job, and how I absolutely refuse to be single for another year.

A blog, a badge, and a BIG problem

2009-03-30T23:31:00.003-04:00

So, I'll start off with the guy I met last week. No, it was not a romantic meeting. He is only 17, which is FAR too young for me. If he is interested in me (cause he keeps sending me messages) I will find a polite way to let him know that I do not care to go to jail. I did not give him my blog name. In fact, I completely disregarded the question all together. He didn't ask again, so either he forgot or got the hint.

I did go today to get my badge and parking permit from my new job. It begins Wednesday and I'm super excited. I must confess that all the details are still fuzzy. It feels like it happened so fast. Last Wednesday I was suffering through having to have a spontaneous conversation in Spanish over the phone, now I'm having to prepare myself to work in the IT headquarters of Globally recognized company. Trust me, after dealing with security I had to go through to get a badge, I understand the magnitude of this. A friend actually pointed out that I start of the 1st of April. I told her that I would be the ultimate bad joke if I was being 'Punked' or something.

The thought of me receiving my badge and parking permit made me aware of the fact that I have no car. This is my current BIG problem. I did not know that I would be working at a building on the opposite side of town from where I thought I was going to start. I'm absolutely mortified because I have to work this out within the next 24 hours. I have to be at work super early for the next 12 weeks and I can't allow myself to fumble this opportunity. AHHHHH!!! Tiffany and I are going tomorrow to see if we can find prospects. But I don't know what to do, and with little money and even less time I feel like my unexpected blessing is slipping away before it even fully gets here.

Any suggestions?!

I wasn't a morning person until this week!!!

2009-03-27T10:05:00.003-04:00

I was gonna post this yesterday, but when you read you will understand the massive amount of things that I had going on....

So, I had my interview on Thursday. At the end of the interview she told me that there weren't any positions within her department. She did say that she would let me know if something opened up. It was a stock response for an interview. I admittedly was kinda down.

I ended up calling the hiring lady who called me two weeks ago to invite me to test for this company. We discussed my results and me coming in to complete some other assessments. She had told me that I had done really well and that the results were impressive. This was Wednesday.

On Friday I received ANOTHER call. It was from the lady who had administered my Spanish interview. She told me that she mentioned me to a colleague who expressed interested. I spoke with this lady and she wanted me to go to a building and complete registration the same day @ 2:30! I went and had to complete a BUNCH of long docs that required much signing. Then, in an effort to knock out everything in one day, I ran over to do my drug screening.

By the end of the day I was offered a job that starts NEXT WEEK!!! I was kind of dumbstruck. A week ago I was told that I might have to wait several weeks, if not months for the job I originally wanted to begin! Now, I have a one [that pays well] to start the middle of next week?!?! What tripped me out later was that I never completed a face to face interview with this lady. We had a brief conversation on the phone that morning and again that afternoon. She decided that she was going to hire me, despite the fact that she has never even met me!!

Isn't amazing what God will do?! He has engineered a situation for me that just defies all logic. I was so excited I had to tell someone. I phone David and we talked, at length, about this whole experience, and all the things that haven't been going so well for me in the last year. There is something to be said for maintaining faith. It is the sustenance of the weary, the quintessential component of hope, and the highest mitigating factor of doubt.

But you've got all the skills....

2009-03-25T18:23:00.002-04:00

I went to school today; thought I'd drop by the room where I began learning how to play piano a few years back. A young guy was in there. He was playing, but stopped and got up to leave when I arrived. I encouraged him to keep going because he sounded good.

He played for a bit, @ 5 years in he is pretty good. I love listening to people play. I concentrate so hard when I play that I don't get to really enjoy hearing it. So, it was fun listening to his style.

He asked if I played, and of course I was modest and told him that I could, but that I hadn't been playing as long as he had. I sat down and kinda just slowly played a few chords, basically fooled around for a bit as I let the progressions get more and more advanced. The look on his face meant that I had accomplished my mission. He was impressed. I asked him to teach me something since he was the more tenured player. He laughed and said that he might have more years, but I had more skill.

Before I left he asked for my phone number. I gave it to him, and we've been kinda texting back and forth since. He then asks for my facebook, so I give it to him. If figured it wouldn't kill me to be his friend. Then he actually hit me while I was writing this post to ask me what I was doing. I told him that I was writing in my blog and that I had mentioned him. He proceeds to ask where I blog, so I told him. Then he asked for the blog name.........

I Have To

2009-03-25T17:24:00.003-04:00

go in again and test at the place that I went to last week. This time I get to do the English scenario, so it should be less anxiety involved. I also completed the phone portion today. Whew. She actually did most of the talking, which was FINE by me. It went ok. I'm not overjoyed, yet not disappointed. I rarely get nervous, but this was one of those times. Hopefully I'll see her in person and get to talk face to face to cement my candidacy.

8am

2009-03-25T08:22:00.003-04:00

That's what time the lady from my potential new job called this morning. I was soooo freaked out. I had just barely rolled over and my phone began to ring. Now, I called her last Friday, but she was leaving the office and she told me that she would call me this past Monday. Monday came and went and I received no call. I thought that it would be polite to give her another day before calling her, as I'm sure she had plenty on her plate.

Yesterday I was all planned to call her. My boss asked me to stay later at work and I straight up just forgot to call. So, I dedicated today to ensuring that I spoke to someone in that dang building about this job. Lo and behold my phone rings 15 minutes ago. Since I programmed her number into my phone, the company name pops up on my caller ID. I was trying to clear my throat and pretend to have been awake, but I'm not sure how well that worked.

Anyway, I got good news...and bad news. I've been cleared for the grammatical/writing portion for my bilingual portion. Now I have to speak to someone on the phone...in Spanish. I'm nervous, but excited. I haven't had to USE my Spanish since I lived in Florida, so we'll see how this works out.

Now, tell me one more time....

2009-03-21T21:14:00.002-04:00

Spoke with the hiring agent Friday and she said that she would giving me back a call on Monday to confirm my interview. I'm really anxious, usually the weekend zooms by, but these last few days have gone so slow. I did have fun at work.

I was standing in the center of the store behind our Main marquee when a tall, blond woman and an older female companion walk up to me. I politely asked them if they needed help, to which the blond replies in a strong British accent: "I'm looking for a short dark denim jacket." I was in love. Not with her. She was a bit too old for me, and blond (unless he surfs and has abs) usually doesn't suit my taste. Her accent was bloody beautiful though.

So, I tried to pretend as if I did not hear her and asked her again, but she saw right through me! I was sure that we did not have exactly what she was looking for, but I thought that I'd treat myself to just a bit more of her accent. I radioed another associate preparing to ask for the item's availablity, but paused and pretended to forget the question. So she humored me as I asked her to tell me one more time what she was looking for.

Though we didn't have a short jacket, we did manage to find one that she favored and I was rewarded with the story of how the woman and her husband met the Brit and her husband 11 years ago. Then I met her husband who thanked me for helping his wife and lessening the torture of having to shop. His accent wasn't quite as stunning, but I enjoyed hearing it all the same.

Long Day

2009-03-19T23:06:00.003-04:00

Thanks for all the support!!! I arrived waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay early. I was the damn building at 6:45am, so basically had over two hours to blow. I was excited and disappointed because they tricked me just a bit.

My interview was preliminary testing. I had to pass some skills tests, and basically display my foreign language proficiency. The lady who presided over the "talent acquisition" had us all [about 8 other people] go into a room and log onto a computer. We had different scenarios to assess dealing with the possible positions we would go into. Then the bilingual testers [this woman and me (yes, that's grammatically correct)] had to do a listening portion in Spanish and then a grammar portion on paper.

I finished first, which kind of worried me because I usually take longer with these kind of things. But the lady told me that I had done exceptionally well and that I passed the prelim and everyone who passed that portion would have an interview! So, that was a great relief to know that I would be invited back.

I was really encouraged because she seemed to be pleased with my results. I hope that they are strong enough to mitigate my lack of experience. I'm really looking forward to snagging this job. I've been praying and trying to be patient for months, so this was a very welcome surprise.

So, after three and a half hours of testing I jumped on two more buses and went to my regular job and was tortured for six hours. It was a trip. Long Day.

5am

2009-03-19T00:09:00.003-04:00

That's when I have to wake up; because I have an important job interview in the morning. In fact by the time most of you get to read this I will have been there and back!

The actual interview isn't until 9am, but I have to take two buses to get there and the public transit system here kind of bites. So, in the spirit of getting there early [and maybe snagging breakfast on the way] I'm waking @ 5 in the morning just to make sure there are no mishaps, mistakes, incidents, or anything that could ruin this.

Hammered!!!

2009-03-07T12:04:00.004-05:00

Well, the parts of the party that I remember were lots of fun! I fell asleep on the floor around 1am. We can also mark this as the second time I have been drunk.

Well, Friday morning I didn't do anything at all. Finally after talking on the phone to my baby brother for 5 hours I decided to stop being a lazy-ass and go running. I threw on my hoodie and some basketball shorts, but when I checked my phone I realized that it was pushing 8 o'clock. I really wanted to run, but I recalled several killer movies beginning with a dark run in the park, so I passed. I decided to instead try the treadmill in the complex's fitness center. Apparently they had changed the password because the one I tried wasn't valid. So that was a no go. I then opted to just jog to the nearest gas station. When I got there I realized that I hadn't eaten anything but two pieces of Crab Ragoon that morning, so I bought some chips and a water.

I jogged back to my apartment and halfway there Tiffany calls me to tell me that she was returning with the drinks for the party. We arrived to her building at the same time and I helped her unload. I offered to walk her dog while she cleaned up her place a bit. I figured that this would be my chance to get some running in. The gas station was very far, so I felt like I hadn't really done anything. So, after several laps around the building (and a girl stopping to tell me how cute my dog was) I returned the dog and went home to get ready......BREAK! Gotta go to work. I'm so hungover.....and now I'm back.

So, I made a big mistake not eating, cause after 4 shooters, a corona, and some X-Rated, Bacardi, and vodka that I can't remember the name of, I was hammered. My ex-roommates David and T (who I had invited) were surprised. Usually it takes a LOT more to get me going. I was mad cause I hadn't eaten all day and when I heated up some food I couldn't even eat it.

A friend from work that I believe has feelings for me also came to the party. All reports was that she was eying me during the night. Apart of me is flattered, but I have Zero desire to get with her. But she is only an afterthought. The worst part is that the Green-Eyed guy that I had planned this whole thing around arrived at 1:45am. He had called me and said that he would be coming late. I passed out on the floor around 1:30 so I didn't get to spend anytime with him! I remember looking up and seeing him and four other people standing over me. I said hi to him and then I woke up this morning to start this post and go to work.

P.S. Something did bother me this morning. My pants were unzipped and the little button on my boxers was open...':~|

PARTY OVER HERE!

2009-03-06T08:21:00.002-05:00

So, TIffany and I decided to throw a party tonite. It was kinda a last minute thing. I have a friend from work and she always says that she never has anything to do, so I intended to invite her over to play Wii, 360, and to bring her PS3 so that we could get tipsy and wild-out. Well that transformed into a full fledged party! Now there are several people from work coming. It worries me because I generally don't see these people outside of our building. AH, that reminds me! I gotta invite Jake.

Ok. So can I be real with you guys?! I kind of engineered this so that I could spend time with the green-eyed guy from work. I made sure he overheard me and the chick talking about it. I repeatedly mentioned that she should bring her PS3 and how the other 2 major consoles were already in place. I then asked him nonchalantly if he would like to attend also. I'm pretty sure that I had him at PS3, but I threw in some other tempting bits of info to sweeten the deal. I kept the hype up until he committed. He goes to school and day and refs soccer on the days that he's not in class. It was just too convenient that this Friday he said he would be able to make it. We exchanged numbers, and please believe that if it wasn't 8am that I would be texting him right now!

I felt her up and she didn't respond.

2009-02-24T15:20:00.003-05:00

We have very...anatomically accurate mannequins in our store. Today I had to undress one of them....whew! It wasn't the first time that I had done it, but it reminded me of how long it's been since I've undressed someone in real life. I had to put her in a dress. I wished it would have been one of the man mannequins! Also I got a very sneaky suspicion about a guy at work. He's very decent looking, a little chubby, but he has green eyes :) melt*

So, I've made it pretty obvious that I have very little experience with this whole guy thing. I'm not sure what the proper protocol is for a guy approaching another guy, so I don't really know how to "read the signs", but I keep looking for a hint from him that he might like guys. And this is the kicker: There are several girls in our store that have a crush on him! I'm actually trying to hook one of the girls up with him, but I don't think he'll go for it.

Half-Truths and Birthday Suits

2009-02-14T01:26:00.003-05:00

Well, Tiffany and I had an important talk today. We've recently started speaking to one another again. Our overnight really alerted us to the fact that whatever had driven us to not speaking to each other had dissipated over the last four weeks.

So, today she texted me, telling me what she got her boyfriend for Valentine's Day [the gifts are awesome] and asked if I wanted to hang out. I accepted and we ran all over town and had a really good time just like we used to. I tried to force myself to tell her while we were riding, but I couldn't summon the courage. So, I just told her that I had something important to tell her at 7. After mucho shopping we decided to have dinner at Chik-fil-A. We ate in the parking lot. It was there that she brought it was half past 7 and therefore time to spill whatever I was holding.

So, I told her that I lied to her. She asked me when and I told her it was the beginning of January. It took her longer than I expected to piece the date with whole club ordeal and our subsequent fall-out, but she did get there. I confessed that I was really there with a two friends. I told her that I didn't come with the shirtless guy. He was simply standing beside me when that fucking snitch, I mean mutual acquaintance saw me there. She then asked whether it was a gay club, to which I answered yes. I believed that we were headed toward the heart of the matter now.

Now, I thought surely the next question would surely be "are you gay?" or "do you like guys" at the very least "why were you at a gay club"! There was nothing. I believed at that point that it was truly obvious that there was something wrong with the situation, but she didn't ask me anything. Now, I know my best friend. If she thought that there was more to it, she would have asked. If there was the chance that she believed that I was gay, then she would have asked. It seemed like an obvious revelation, but I don't believe that she understands yet.

I can't say that I'm disappointed that they whole story didn't come out. I think I need to take this one step at a time. It was a very big thing for me to go back and be honest about lying to her. I wasn't happy about it in the first place and I wish I could have taken it back. Not only would it have saved us three weeks of being upset, but it would have also completed what I continue to evade. Telling my best friend I'm bi.

*Birthday Suits: Yesterday while we were shopping for Valentine's Day and she was looking for lingerie to wear for her boyfriend. It was then that she asked if I had procured a Valentine, to which I replied no. She suggested Valerie. I was turned off. Valerie and are simply friends. I know that she wants something more, but I am not willing to lead her on when I know that I can't ever be with her. She is not what I am looking for in a girl, IF I was looking for a girl. And currently I am not. I'm still trying to spot the hottie from the shoe store!

After looking in several places we could not find any under garments sufficiently sexy for her to wear, so I suggested that she go over to his house in a trench coat and her birthday suit! After a few seconds of serious contemplation we just laughed. I told her that there might be a draft, but I'm sure that it would do the trick.

I guess it separated us...

2009-02-10T00:14:00.004-05:00

Had to do an overnight at work the other day. Inventory. It sucked. I did have an interesting exchange. I had to count stuff and the manager partnered me with my best friend Tiffany. She and I haven't spoken to each other in about 4 weeks. We had a heated exchange by text one night and haven't been speaking since. We had to communicate last night and things were surprisingly easily. It reminded me why we became friends in the first place. We don't have lots in common, but we get along great mainly cause we don't argue. When we do annoy one another we just leave each other alone for a day or two and that displaces what ever made the other upset.

This time we just never spoke after our fall-out a month ago. A large part of me wants to tell her about being bi. I never thought it was an important topic before I lied to her about going to the club. She doesn't know I lied, but that doesn't assuage my guilt. I knew a few months ago that all this would either come out or separate us as friends. I guess it separated us.

I know it's my fault for letting it become the wedge that jacked up our friendship, but I didn't have the courage to tell her. Plus I didn't want to be judged, or quizzed, or trapped....que hago?

I Gotta Story To Tell

2009-02-08T02:35:00.005-05:00

I thought a little while ago that I should explain where I got my blog's name from. Many of you have interesting titles with stories behind them; some funny, some personal, and other satirical. There's really no great secret story as to how I got my name. It's from a Biggie song.

If 'huh' and 'what' were your reactions to that first paragraph, let me explain. Biggie is another name for The Notorious B.I.G. He was a famous rapper from Brooklyn that was assassinated 10 years ago. Now, I am very tolerant of all types of music. As I often say to friends, I am the only guy that you will find the Jonas Brothers and Jay-Z in my iTunes. I have nearly 3,000 songs, so I'm sure that it is pretty clear that I love music.

Now, as a younger guy I was never crazy about rap music. My older brother listened to it heavily, which is most likely why I can tell you all the lyrics from 87.42% of rap music from '91 til about '99 [which is when he graduated and left home]. I guess I didn't like rap because there was nothing in it that appealed to me. I wasn't 'fuckin' bitches' and 'movin' weight' [selling drugs] back then. Still not in respect to drugs, and not much more on the bitches; the point is that the subject matter didn't appeal to me.

I'm not gonna say that I heard B.I.G. one day and was hooked, but there was something different about his lyrics. I liked the way he rapped. His lyrics weren't much less mysogynistic than the others, but his music was prolific. He was like an old bard singing tales in a tavern. There was a story behind the music. That's what he brought each time I heard one of his songs. It wasn't simply clever rhymes and looping 808's. There was substantive subject matter, however mysogynistic the lyrics were.

There is one song in particular that illustrates this point the best. It's title, as I am sure in your astuteness you have gleaned is "I Got A Story To Tell". It's a chorus-less recount of a night spent with a seemingly wealthy woman. After sexual intercourse, he discovers the woman is really the wife of an NBA athlete. The man returns home early and the protagonist [if I may as bold to call him such] is faced with the difficult task of extricating himself from the situation. After which he calls his boys and declares that he 'got a story to tell.'

I guess it would make sense to make this the song of the day
"I Got A Story To Tell" by Notorious B.I.G.

Oh no you don't!

2009-02-07T07:03:00.000-05:00

You will not get sick on me, body. I refuse to let that happen. I have trusted you to retain your fortitude against communicable disease during this time of rampant germ exchange. I can not afford to get sick. I am juggling three-too-many flaming torches to fall prey to disease right now. So, man up, get your shit together, and let's get back to the game plan. Work 'til it hurts.

Sorry for that guys, just had to give me a pep talk. Everyone is getting sick and it's kind of an inconvenient time. I know there's really no 'good time' to get sick, but it's really not. I have too many things happening, and too much responsibility to deal with.

Other than what feels like my body succumbing to sickness, nothing much has changed. Today is Valerie's birthday. I sent her a text a few hours ago to say happy birthday. That was around 5am though, so I doubt that she's awake. It sucks cause she's really ill. We had planned to celebrate her birthday, but last night we talked on the phone and it didn't sound as though she was gonna get better soon, so I suggested that we reschedule. She is also my prime suspect for what I feel could be a cold of my own, which is why I have been awake for two full hours trying to fight this off before it turns to a full blown anything. Two February's ago I let my little brother wear my favorite hoodie cause he forgot to wear a jacket and the temp dropped twenty degrees. He wasn't feeling well and I didn't want him to become worse, so of course I gave up my warmth for him. He rewarded me by sticking his used tissue in the hoodie pockets. I got back to school and found the tissue. I was bed ridden for three days as a result. I love the little monkey, but that was just wrong. I now kindly ask him to remove any diseased objects after wearing my clothes.

She noticed...

2009-02-06T00:31:00.000-05:00

True to my word I have managed to continue going to the gym. I was getting dressed to go to tonite while on the phone with my brother and he told me he was proud of me. He, for some reason, had it in his head that I was going to workout a few times and then give up. I believe that he realized tonite that I was serious about getting ready for April.

In other news, today at work one of the girls that fancies me asked whether I had been working out. I had been checking myself out earlier in the mirror and thought that the effects of the gym were finally becoming noticeable through my clothes. So I was thrilled that she noticed. I confirmed that I had been in the gym and she gave my bicep a squeeze. I was really happy to have some one notice.

I have absolutely no attraction to her. She's a cool chick, a few years older than me and not really my type. I feel bad because I'm always flirting with her and asking her to just give me a chance. She suggested that we go see 'Taken' together. I was mortified. I didn't say yes, but I realized that the flirting must stop. I do far too much flirting anyway. A good song came on from our store soundtrack and I wanted to dance. So, just started grinding my junk against another one of the female associates at the register. ;o. She told me not to start something I can't finish. LMAO! The two of us started working there on the same day three years ago and we are good friends. My friend David is actually the one that got me the job there. He called in a favor from a friend and got me an interview. I was really anxious, but I knew once I got into the room that I could get the job. Thanks D!

Unable to cope with complete homosexuality...

2009-02-02T22:04:00.001-05:00

A small post before I go to the gym. I've been at work since 9am. Just left and 9:30..PM....I love money, I love money, I love money.

Ok. I got a little frustrated. I mentioned my gay coworker before...well there are three of them, but the one that I interact with most. His name is Jake. We talked for a bit today. We usually take turns sharing stories and asking questions. Today he asked me what I consider myself. He has asked me this before by text message one night. I told him African-American, 6'1", 220lbs. He laughed, but I knew what he meant. He wanted me to describe what was my specific orientation.

Today he asked the same question. I told him that I wasn't sure what I classified myself as. If I see someone attractive, irrespective of gender, then I think they are attractive. Why is that not answer enough?! Of course, he says that I have to like one sex better than the other. I told him that's its about 50/50, but I could see he wasn't satisfied with that answer.

This why I kept this whole thing to myself in the first place!!!!! I didn't want someone to do exactly what he intended to, which is try to force me to choose between girls and boys. And it feels like to me that the question is a trap anyway. If I say I like girls more, then he will just assume that liking boys is just experimental college phase that I will eventually dump in favor of being straight; and if I say I like boys more then the assumption is that I'm really gay but hanging on to the thought of liking girls because I am unable to cope with complete homosexuality.

I despise this question and from here forth refuse to answer it unless I feel like it is a genuine question with no hidden attempt to categorize me.

"Song"
I'm still in my Vegas Skies moment as I love the song and will be buying it from iTunes shortly. But if I had to select a song, then I would chose.... Million Ways by J. Rice. He's an excellent vocalist. My favorite song by him is One More Day, absolutely amazing lyrics. I guess that's enough of me gushing over music. If this is just an terrible part of my posts that you guys ignore just say so and I'll stop the song of the day. But I kinda enjoy doing it. I guess I'll post a poll!!!!!!!!!!

So after a few weeks

2009-02-01T14:26:00.000-05:00

I am seeing things that I haven't seen in a while. Namely muscle groups that I had allowed to wan into nothingness. My dedication is actually paying off. That's great cause it gives me more motivation.

In other news...I went BACK to the gay club last night! But I'm relatively sure no one saw me. That's because I didn't go in. David, Curtis and I decided to travel back to the club last night. David got to the doors first. I saw him open them walk in and come back out. My first thought was 'Oh no, he forgot something.' But he shook his head and informed us that no one was inside. I thought that was impossible, the club had been open scarcely a month. But when I peeked my head inside I saw that he had not been embellishing. There were about 15 people inside the building. It was laughable.

So, we drove around trying to think of other places that we could go, but at that point I think we all knew that we'd be going home. After driving for a bit we found ourselves back in front of the gay club. I was elected to scope out the scene to see if maybe some people had arrived. So as I peeked in the door I had to control a fit of laughter bubbling up. I jumped back in the car and informed the guys that were even less people in there now, then when we looked the first time. That officially ended our night.

On a music tip, cause I'm obsessed with music, I have discovered The Cab. The lead vocalist is quite talented. He's sounds a bit like Gavin Degraw and the lead singer from Coheed and Cambria. I spent most of last night listening to their debut album. They have lots of potential. I really like their song Vegas Skies

Do I care what they think?

2009-01-29T22:55:00.000-05:00

It's been several years that I've lived in the city I live in and its dawned on me that I have dated no one. Ok, that didn't dawn on me as much as it dawned on me that other people probably have realized that I've not dated. It intrigues me. I am, at least until I talk, considered very straight. Then I open my mouth and often get the "I wasn't expecting that" look.

I'm not slow. I know exactly where the look stems from. I tend to speak very...proper...I think would be the appropriate word. I don't why it is perceived this way, but in South Georgia [home of hoodlums and hoodrats] apparently using grammatically and phonetically correct [American] English is a surprise.

But I digress. I am more concerned about how the circle of people I know view me. I have no kids, no girlfriend, no [female] sex-buddies, and no interests. This has gone on for four years. When I first moved here I wanted to date my roommates ex-girlfriend, Jarrin. She was terribly cute and somewhat my type, but I quickly learned that she was taken. Since then my desire to date has been completely doused, well that coupled with the fact that I did not want children, especially after what happened to my three best friends in High school. Anyone inquisitive enough to ask has been told the stories of my circle all having kids or getting pregnant.

That story will not suffice much longer. My best friend's boyfriend has been tryna get me laid for weeks. It started at the Halloween party. They tried to get me drunk so that I'd sleep with Valerie. Uh, fuck no. It would take a whole bottle of Jose to get me to do that with her. I wouldn't mind hooking up with a [cute] girl, but I am very interested in dating a guy. I've never been curious about it before. I mean, I always knew I was attracted to guys, but I really dismissed it until January of last year. That was when I told David about being bi.

So, now I'm wondering with the current rumors circulating [I really don't know as I've not talked to anyone for a week] what is my perceived status.

Sorry for the random meandering of this post. I just wanted to get down some of the things that I've been thinking since my denial last Saturday.

I'm lying to myself

2009-01-29T15:51:00.000-05:00

But there is a method to my madness....

In an effort to get back into shape and ready for Spring Break 2009, I have decided to tell myself some new lies. I have realized that the less that I enjoy something the less I tend to do it. This holds true for the gym. I can't stand working out. I prefer playing sports to stay in shape, but that option isn't as easily available nowawdays.

That's why I have been telling myself that I enjoy working out, so that I get into the routine of going; and it's been working. I've gone consistently for the past few weeks, and I feel it becoming one of those things that I reconciled in my head that needs to be done each day. I've already lifted this afternoon and I'm going back tonight.

I changed my away message on yahoo messenger to "April Approaches..." which is my reference to Spring Break. I'm choosing to go in April instead of March cause....well I just want to go in April! That's when I'm used to it, cause that's when we used to go in Florida.

Not really doing anything

2009-01-29T11:03:00.000-05:00

The last few days have been predictably boring. Tiffany and I aren't speaking to one another, but I knew that was going to happen Saturday night. However, we've never gone longer than 2 or 3 days like this. We work at the same store and we completely ignored each other Tuesday morning. It's going to be very interesting which one of us cracks first and is forced to speak to the other. I'm too stubborn break the silence.

In better news I saw this cuuuuuute guy yesterday. I had left the store to go each lunch and was walking, minding my own business. I passed a shoe store close to mine and through the window I saw this guy in a green shirt. I went into the store just to see what he looked like. He was freakin' hot. I asked some girl associate whether they had size 13 in the store, she nodded so I pretended to look at some of the shoes on the wall. I think the three female associates were checking me out. I was thinking 'maybe a year ago you had a chance...' I was focused on seeing the hottie close up. I turned to walk closer to get a better look at him and when I turned there he was walking towards me. I kinda froze [which I never do]. We looked each other up and down. I didn't know what to do, so I kind of just left. I wish I was still wearing my name tag so he knew my name and what store to find me at, but I took the damn thing off as I was leaving so no customers would talk to me. And I forgot to smile [if you are reading this Razz]. ARGH! I will be going back in there tomorrow. Today is my first day off in a bit and I've been slaving for the last three days so I'm going to enjoy it.

I don't have anything else planned. I gotta go work out. April is swiftly approaching and I have plans to go somewhere with sand and waves.

And I had the Audacity...

2009-01-24T14:17:00.000-05:00

...To go back to the club!

Yes, David called me last night and said that he wanted to go back to the club from last week. I was over my bestfriend's boyfriend's mom's house enjoying Pollo, arroz, y sopa con carne asada. It was sooo good. Haven't ate like that since I was home in Miami. So, while talking to the mom, I got a phone call from David expressing his interest to return to the scene of my first kiss with a guy. I agreed to go, but I was concerned about what happened last time. Not with the guy, but with the girl who saw me. I had every intention not to have a good time. Plus a large part of me was concerned over whether I would be seen again. I wasn't disappointed.

This time I actually saw the culprit who blabbed about last week. Lyn. She was there with two girls. One I had met before and one David knew. I wanted to throw a bottle at her from across the club, but I know Jesus. And my mom would have been disappointed in me. I did showed the big mouth female to David so that he could put a face on the shadowy hater that ran and told everything she could last week.

I felt kinda silly for coming back, but I had a plan this time around. Apart of me wanted her to be there again. I figured that if I was there, but had zero fun that her seeing me there proved nothing. Now, last time I made out with a guy and stuff. So, this time I resolved to stay away from guys, and overall succeeded in not having any fun. I really wanted to dance, cause that's one of my favorite parts about going out. I resisted the urge though. I did find myself bobbing my head or tapping a foot every now and then; but I refused to give into the music.

I did have to turn down a night with Tiffany to go with David and Curtis. In fairness I had spent the last 3 hours talking to her boyfriend's mom in Spanish, so that she didn't have to suffer though it. The woman can TALK. But half-way through the night I got a headache and cited that as the reason that I didn't want to race Go-karts with them. I told them of my suffering [my headaches are rare, but painful] long before any additional plans were made. Apart of me really wanted to go, but I figured that we could do it another day. I did not like the reaction that I got from her, and we ended up texting each other back and forth until 2am. I expected more from her for some reason. I never put any pressure on her to anything she doesn't want to, and it didn't seem like to me that she had returned the courtesy.

Chances are we are going to ignore each other for a few days. Don't worry that's customary in our relationship. Then she'll call me cause she wants to do something, or she'll have a question. She used to call me Google cause I always have an answer. But I've been recently downgraded to Wiki, cause the other day I said 'I don't know'. Then I told her that her search yielded no results! We had a laugh. But yeah, I think we're going to church with her boyfriend's mother [who loves me! I'm so good with moms; just let them talk ;)]. And then we will start our week away from each other. It is just what we do in place of arguing.

In the meantime I have decisions to make. A lot of comments in the last posts made me think about this whole process. I didn't think that I would have to come to grips with dealing with so many issues with being bi so quickly. I want a boyfriend, but that search comes with much more baggage than I initially planned.

Song
"Keep on Keeping On" by JoJo

The punch that you never see coming, that's the hardest one.

2009-01-23T00:21:00.000-05:00

I was blind-sided today. I am rarely taken off guard. I like to know what's coming. It gives me longer to prepare my story, practice in the mirror, ready my alibi. There was no such preparation tonight, little forethought, and shock in amounts more ample that I care for. Let me explain.

I just stepped out of my bestfriend's car 5 minutes ago. We had our usual conversation that covered most of the events of the past week. I see her less and less, so there is much for us to discuss when we do see each other. We wove our way through the conversation and ended up in the rumors section. I made a reference about having fun at a club last Saturday and I sprung a trap. During a few seconds of contemplative silence she informed me that there was a rumor about me.

I would like to say "my stomach dropped" or that my "blood ran cold" but the truth is that it didn't. I was calm and collected. I maintain that my business is my business with people who aren't in my close circle, but realistically I expected that eventually someone would start something circulating about me. Tonight I wasn't disappointed.

Tiffany informed my that there was a rumor that I was seen out at a gay club last Saturday. Someone we know, a reasonably friendly associate of ours, said that they saw me, a short guy, and some shirtless guy hanging out together. I was struck dumb. I was dumber than dumb. I was Helen Keller.

I had spent a week fretting over whether Camille would blab about seeing me, and one of my own associates straight up was telling people. *Backstory* The girl was in love with my bestfriend's boyfriend's cousin [the one whose house we went to for new years]. She and I have a shared love of music, and she is very chill. She declared at the restaurant that we went to last Friday that she was going to become a lesbian because her feelings for the cousin were unrequited. I lauded the intrepidity of her decision. Her name is Lyn.

I, after recovering, laughed at the story. It hurt me to lie so blatantly. Ok, that's not true. It came to me naturally. I felt bad lying to my bestfriend, but the denial and a cover-up story spilled from my lips before I could debate whether or not to tell the truth. There were holes in the story and I quickly poked at them to make them bigger. Tiffany deemed that the rumor wasn't true because of the part about the shirtless guy. She didn't know anyone that I hang out with that seemed to fit the description. The truth was that they mistook Ben for a friend, instead of recognizing the reality of the situation. I was a little whore that night and I never really met the guy myself, but was flirting and making-out. I believe that Lyn might have seen that part and reported such, but Tiffany omitted it from the story out of deference for my perceived heterosexuality.

Other than that the story was dead on. Apart of it made me wonder whether Tiffany had found my blog or not. I had already hinted for her to look on google's list of blogs. Could she really have found it? That possibility and an extra memory popped into my head. Earlier when I was in the club I heard someone call my name. Have you had the feeling that someone, like your mother, has called you when in reality you had only imagined it? I had that sensation, but dismissed it. I figured that I was just worried because it was my first night out.

Now, I am in a very interesting predicament. I had my mind sort of made up to ask David to go back to the club with me, but I can't go now. Tiff told me that the cousin and her boyfriend hadn't believe the story either. She paused noticeably to give me a chance to confess. I think it is reasonable to assume that I continued to play my role. I came up with the lie that there was only one gay club in or city and I had never been there before. And since Lyn was drunk when she "saw" me that added to the doubt factor and my story was accepted. What is funny is that Lyn came into the store last night. We spoke briefly and she shopped a bit. She didn't even mention the club. I find that strange in retrospect.

I also think I might have not played my role as well as I could have. Like I said, usually I have time. Tiffany might have begun to suspect something. Now, I gott bring home a girl......

Re-posted

2009-01-21T22:58:00.000-05:00

Thank you guys for voting in my first ever poll. I re-posted the version of the prologue from a few weeks ago, but then I realized that I was being dumb because the new readers wouldn't know where to look. So, I added a link to the right that will take you to the original post where I put the prologue. Feel free to leave comments about what you think. I've been working hard to edit some more of the manuscript to post. As soon as my "editors" [my brother and my friend David] tell me what they think I will be throwing bits up here. Thanks again

If It Gets Around

2009-01-20T12:36:00.001-05:00

I had two days off work. One of which was spent recovering from the events at the club. It was such an exciting/scary/learning experience for me. I never thought that I would have the guts to even kiss a guy. Well, that fear has passed. And as a special treat it turns out that I'm pretty good at it!

I am very grateful to my friend David. Although we fought, his actions [whatever their motivations] prevented me from committing some random hook-up. I was very clear that I wanted a memorable experience. Though reasonably cute, Ben was not the guy to bring into my bed for the first time. Thanks David!

It is back to dealing with my real-world issues though. As mentioned in my last post I saw a girl from the place where I work. It was clear that though we recognized each other, we would not acknowledge the others presence. I am mostly concerned about her opening her big fat mouth. I've been at my job since June 2006 and have not [to anyone's knowledge] had a girlfriend the entire time. Now, I don't think it's any of their flipping business what goes on in my personal life, but after a few scandals I am know how personal information gets around.

I'm not really sure what I should do. There are...one...two...three gay guys that work at my job. She is the only gay female. Only one of the guys knows that I'm bi and I'd like very much to keep it this way. Do I contact this girl [whom we shall refer to as Camille] and tell her to keep our run-in to herself? Or do I play the whole thing as though there is nothing out of the ordinary?

I don't know what her impressions are yet. I was so absorbed into making-out that I didn't even pay attention to whether or not she had left the scene or not. Any advice?!

Song
"I Come To You More" by Kim Burrell

Thought of the Day
"How of often do you play dumb?"

-E

I loved that F!&@ing Shirt

2009-01-17T12:34:00.000-05:00

Where do I begin...

I've mentioned before that I wanted to go to a gay club, just to feel the vibe and also to get the curiosity out my system. Well, my friend David, a friend of his and I went last night. We chose the newest one in town, which neither of the two of them had ever been to. We got great parking and ended up right in front of the club, we decided to do a little stake out and see what was up. We ended up sitting outside for 20 mintues! Finally I went in to check it out for them so we could see if it was jumping or not. I walked into the door and there was this very short lady security guard who asked me for i.d. I politely told her that I was just checking the atmosphere out and had two friends that were waiting for me outside. I scoped out the scene: Bar: too small; number of ppl: deep as hell; and a throng of them gathered around a drag queen dancing to a song I didn't know.

So, I went back to the car and told them [in succinctly accurate detail] what was inside. David and I got out of his car and went to his friend Curtis' car but Curtis decided that he didn't want to get out. He wanted to go home instead. I had never met him, but I needed as much veteran support as possible on my first excursion. So, after some very deft coercion he agreed. As he gets out of his car, David turns to me and says, "You're good". I wanted to agree, but it wouldn't have been modest ;) As we approached the door I asked a young lady outside what it was like in the club. Though I had been inside, I had only seen several unattractive ppl on the outside when we first parked. She said that it was jumping, but didn't know if it was my type of scene. I [because I love playing dumb] asked her what kind of scene was it. She told me that it was a gay club, and that most straight guys probably couldn't handle it. I assured that I was looking for a good time, and if this club was popping then I would be ok. I was both happy and amused that she had assumed that I was straight.

So, we stroll into the club, immediately hit the bar and go up to a loft area in the back. We chill for a bit as we watch the Drag Queen show and as David and I point out who we think is hot, and those who should be not allowed further admittance. I must saw that apparently hotties only come out after 12, cause after a bit we began seeing quite a few guys that I had to admit were really good looking. I also saw a guy that shops at my store periodically. I thought that he was a cutie when I saw him a work, and it was a plus that he was in this club tonite. It struck me that he reminds me of Damian from MTV's TRL. In fact he looks very much like Damian. But he was only one of the many fine mofos walking around at this point. I also must take this time to mention that there were several shirtless hotties walking around as this will be important to the story later on. There was this guy representing Gold's Gym. He kept walking past me. I thought he was trying to torture me with his banging body, like he was the ghost of homosexual-past or something!

After a corona I was ready to dance, which was convenient cause David had to pee [the first of 3 trips to the bathroom for him] and the bathrooms were downstairs. After doing his business we headed out to the dance floor. I'm not too familiar with homosexual culture, but apparently the DJ was spinning some ppl's favorite joints cause the dance space was full. I like when ppl actually dance at a club. It means they are trying to have a good time. I got a spot close to the mirror and started trying to create Stomp The Yard 2. While dancing, simply minding my own business, I look up and see this girl I work with. I almost went into evasive action and prepared myself to duck out the back of the club, but I was having a good time and wasn't going to let her mess it up. There were several straight guys at this club, and I had only danced with a girl so far. We didn't acknowledge each other, but there was a point where we looked DIRECTLY into each other's faces. I thought I was going to die.

I continued to dance for a while thinking surely David and Curtis will join me in a little bit and the three of us would be silly and dance around. Nope. I was on the floor alone as they watched from the sidelines. A "slower" song began to play and I started seeing folks grinding on each other, so I fled the dance floor and I re-joined the guys and we kinda bounced around to the side. That was at least until some girl eyed me and beckoned me to come dance with her. I accepted and we danced. She kept rubbing against my stuff. I was sooo sure that she was trying to get me hard. I mean girl was pulling out all her tightest moves and but there was no reponse from the downstairs. Nothing. I wasn't aroused not one bit. The song went off, we hugged and parted. I went back over to my friends and we danced and laughed. I felt the night was winding down and was content with my club experience. I had gone out and seen a myriad of spectacles, and I had laughed and had a great time.

Then I saw him. I had seen shirtless guys walking around all night. I wanted to touch some, but I didn't. I could only think of the freaky crap that I would do to them. Then I was approached by some guy. He had a drink and came close to where were standing. He danced next to me for a moment and we danced together. I had never dance with a guy up until that point. He was off beat sorta, so I sat him down and gave him...a lap dance. He was pleased and then we started grinding on each other. I think I lost all sense that there were other ppl in the club. I was thinking to myself that this guy is just teasing me. I saw him on the dance floor earlier dancing with some guy. It was clear that the dude wanted to fondle him, but 'shirtless' wasn't with it. He strictly wanted to dance. So, imagine my surprise when he takes my hand and rubs it up and down his body. It felt too good. We dance close almost rubbing noses, then BAM!! He kisses me. Tongue, lips, saliva all melt into one as I make-out with this guy in the middle of the club. I could not believe it. So continue dancing and kissing, then he to put his hands down my pants. I had on three shirts to that was difficult to accomplish, so I helped him out a little bit. So damnit I slide my hands down his pants. I jack him off a little bit and we go back to dancing. At this point my heart is racing. David grabs my arm and says, "have you done this before?" I shake my head and yell no over the music. I had no idea what I was doing...I mean I had some idea, but I am not familiar with hook-up protocol.

The guy and I get back to our courtship, then like some slut I ask him to come to the bathroom with me. He agrees and we go back there, but a HUGE security guard is watching the back door, which is open as ppl had ventured out there to seal their own sexual deals. It's only my luck that the damn bathroom and back door are so close. I let him go in first, afraid that the guard would bust us if he suspected something. I did follow after him quickly. I gave him a few sucks in the stall [which had no door] and then watched him use it. I slunk out of the bathroom because five ppl walked in. We left and I suggested that we go somewhere. He said that he would go anywhere if I named a place. So, I said, "what about my apartment?" He agreed to go with me once we find his shirt. We looked around for a bit, but no luck. So I told him that I would give him mine.

I took the topmost of my shirts off and told him to put it on. He did and I led him and David out of the club. Curtis had already made his way out and was in his car [parked next to us]. David realized that I was planning on taking this guy home, and was a little upset that I hadn't introduced them. The truth was that I didn't even know the guy's name. He gave it up [the name] easily and shook David's hand. David asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him that Benjamin [for that was the name he gave us] and I wanted to go back to my place. David suggested that he wanted to be a part of the action, but Ben declined. He said that he wasn't into threesomes. I don't think I was up for a threesome either, I mean it was sluttly enough to bring someone home from the club. Ben's refusal seem to hurt David. So, being the kind, sensitive, knowing friend that I am; I told Ben that tonite wasn't going to work out. I told him that I had fun and if he wanted to exchange numbers maybe we could call each other. He was upset at my snub. I was tempted to ask for my shirt back, but I let him keep it. He couldn't find his and I felt bad for leading him out of the club only to send him back like some fish that didn't quite meet my expectations.

David and I positively had it out for the next hour. I was very upset with him. I can't say with certainty what emotion made him mad at me, but the fact that he was angry with me completely pissed me off. I rarely get angry. I read once that anger was a weak emotion and was often the cause of that which we come to regret most dearly. So, I tried to be in control, but I was seething. We got back to my apartment and we continued our fight. Part of me wants to go and apologize to the rest of the building, lest they heard us yelling at 4am.

This whole thing really surprised me, because I felt like he was making me the bad guy. So, I brought up how selfish he was being. Had I not turned down my first guy to instead go back home with him? Did I not just seemingly lead this guy on only to deny him at the last minute because our friendship was more important than some random dick at a club? On a night that I was to have my first experience, I gave it up because he had left alone. I cited these things as he grew emotional. It only made me more upset. How could he cry? Why did he constantly have to make this about him? Flashback 2006: David threw me a 20th birthday party. I am constantly uptight, and often branded as the responsible one cause I only take VERY calculated risks. This party was my night to get wild and silly. David got drunk and completely stole the show. He went on a very well remembered rant. The next day he apologized and threw me a second [make-up] party the following week. Do I have to tell you guys that he did the same thing again?! I actually wasn't even mad. I grew up as the middle child, and I don't terribly care for the spotlight so it didn't pain me. I know that that kind of thing is just in his nature. Now here we were in present time on a night that was supposed to be about me, and my going to my first gay club and experiencing all these things which were so foreign to me...and David strikes again. He actually pointed out that this was the first time in all our arguments, and we do argue frequently, that I was actually angry with him. I told him him that he can mark it down as the one night that I was really upset. The one time I decided to throw caution into the wind and do something irresponsible.

Well, we reconcile, and I offer to take him home and just crash at his house because he had to be to work at 9am. I really wanted to stay home and sleep in my bed, I had no problem with the offered arrangement. David and his two roommates and I used to live together for two year. We know each other very well. I took him to his place and he asked me to show him my dick again. I was exasperated. My dick couldn't take any more teasing for the night. I gave him the same answer as before. He decided that he wasn't sleepy yet and therefore I couldn't sleep either, so we ended up playing and laughing for the rest of the night while he pretended to come on to me, while I spurned his advances. Admittedly there have been nights, when restless I decided to amuse my self by keeping him up, so I can't say I didn't deserve it. Finally around 6:45 he went to bed and I fell on the sectional in the living room. I had slept on it before because we had it when we lived together, and the damn thing is so comfy that it's easy to crash on. I woke up and one of my other ex-roommates and I watched an episode of House and then he took me home. I proceeded to rush to my computer to type this ridiculously long account of my first gay night out. If you've made it this far...damn. Thank you for reading. You now know all about my first real [sober] experience with a guy. A part of me is glad that I didn't have some random hook-up, but my dick is still mad at me for turning down much needed sex. What's wrong with me? My f*!@ing fingers hurt now. Holla!

I had my Straight Mask on

2009-01-16T00:23:00.000-05:00

So, the last few hours of work were so sucky! I made a mistake and was being obsessive about it. My boss was soooo cool. He realized what I did and we fixed it. He knows that I am like a Samurai when it comes to work. If it's not perfect...Seppuku! He always tells me that no one is perfect and I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I can't help it. I have to feel like I got my shit together at all times.

The good thing was that afterwards I had a great night out with friends! We went to eat at this restaurant that had 2-dollar margaritas. It was so great. My boss and a guy from our company came too. They sat at a different table than us, but it was good seeing them outside of work. They are a bit older, so we let them talk to themselves for the most part. My best friend Tiffany, her boyfriend, his cousin, a friend named Marilyn, Valerie, and I all sat together and clowned the whole night. I bought me and Valerie drinks and we had a plain ole' good time. We had drank our margaritas and then this random waitress slides over to our table with a bevy of shots of Jose Cuervo for our whole table. We were like 'WTF?!" and she goes this is from Jeff [our manager], and we all look over to his table and he holds up his cup to us. It was great. So I suggest a toast and yell "TO JEFF!" and everyone repeats, then a random guys yells "To Jeff!". We downed the Jose and went back to our convo.

Tiffany kept alluding to me and Valerie hooking up, so V and I decided to play it up. We kept pretending to kiss, and she kept putting her head in my lap and moving up and down LOL. We were just being plain silly. So, after the shot of Jose, a free Incredible hulk {which is Hypnotique and Hennessy}, and Painkiller I was feeling much better about earlier. I wasn't even supposed to go work, but Jake couldn'tmake it so I filled in for him and then my boss asked me to stay. I also love money and I agree with the whole 'have it and not need it' idiom.

So, the night was fun. There were beautiful guys everywhere! I kept thinking that this was some kind of payback for something I did. Guys were everywhere, and talking and drinking, but I couldn't notice any of them. I had my straight mask on. I didn't even know it at first. I am accustomed to being that way in public; especially with friends. I kinda want to go back tomorrow night without those mofos LOL! See who I can pull.

I'll just go with his.

2009-01-15T04:30:00.000-05:00

Kinda a boring week so far. Not boring in the sense that nothing's happened at all, but boring cause NONE of the things that I was planning came into fruition. I guess it would be more appropriate to call it the week of frustration.

I was going to buy a car from a good friend and she completely disappeared off the face of the planet last Sunday and I haven't heard from her since, so now I am still stuck with no car. Then the leasing director of my apartment complex and I not are seeing eye to eye over an issue stemming from October and I received a very official looking letter today, so I have to go in tomorrow and see what damage I can quell before this gets out of hand. I have to find a second job so that I can save up the extra money for my spring break vacation. I have been planning to go away in April so that I can enjoy my spring break. I was in line for a promotion at my job, but they are taking their time in announcing the recipient of the position.

Now, let say here that I am not an impatient person, I'm just not tolerant. Please allow me to differentiate between the two, because there IS a difference. I'm very, very patient. If there is a finite time span that I must endure, then I am prepared to wait the appropriate length. I can wait and wait, because I know that there is an end, eventually. I, however, am not tolerant. I dislike being strung along indefinitely. That is what this promotion crap feels like. I have done the work, I've put in the time, and though it might sound like I'm complaining, I am tired of getting a pat on the back! That shit can't pay my bills. T-mobile would laugh if I gave them a thumbs up. They want effin' cash. It does not assuage my feelings that I do more than my share of work with little, to no reward. HAHA, now I've gone into a rant.

So, as I tell my friends, "It's not the stress that gets you. It is the stress compounded upon stress compounded upon stress that does it. Tomorrow I have the day off. I am going to try to resolve most of my frustrations. I'll go to my leasing office to speak with them, talk to my boss about what they are [realistically] looking for from the person that is going to fill the open position, and call this chick once more about this whip. If any of this doesn't turn out like I mapped it out in my head then I am just going to trust that God has a plan for me that is a bit different from the one I had; then I'll just go with his.

Song
That's What You Get by Paramore

P.S. The snippet of prologue is back up for the guys who haven't read it, and those who have too. I'm working on the excerpt that I'm thinking has the best chance to be posted. Thank you guys for voting! It really means a lot to me. Please feel free to post your comments about it. You can read it here

I'm sworn to secrecy

2009-01-11T04:05:00.000-05:00

*This should have been posted a while ago, but I just left it in my drafts...

12/22/2008
For the first time in a while I cooked last night. My best friend Tiffany had been talking for weeks about cooking and we never quite got to it. I'm a pretty good cook and we've made stuff before with great success, so finally we went to the store and gathered what we needed to make dinner. Usually she handles the desert and I cook the main dishes. This time we decided to do a little of both. I made a stir-fry chicken and fettucine. Tiff made some mashed potatoes and peach cobbler. I made a secret family dessert and it was a hit. Her boyfriend keeps asking me how to make and I feel bad cause I'm sworn to secrecy.

Present
So, we cooked again last night. I made something quick before I had to go to work, but it was pretty tasty. I always get excited about cooking. I used to do it all the time for my little brother after our older siblings moved out and our parents started working later in the day.

*Update on the book. I will be posting a new excerpt in the next few days. I got some new readers on the blog so I'm kinda excited about that and I think that it would be cool for them to get to read a bit and tell me what they think. I'm going to try to create a poll to vote on whether I should put the prologue back up. So, the people who read can let me know whether it should be re-posted for a bit. Typing about this gets me excited and nervous.

I'll also be explaining soon how I came up with my blog's title and how it all started

Song
"T.O.N.Y." by Solange

Damn

2009-01-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what I should have done, but this is the scene: I'm at work. I see boy. Boy cute. I engage boy. Boy asks me where the restrooms are. I [personally] show boy restrooms. Now it turns out that the restrooms are locked from the inside, so I go and get the key to let him in. I open the door and goes inside and looks back at me. I let the door swing shut. Boy does not lock door.

Now, I thought this could be the very opportunity I've been longing for. I just mad up my mind to bust into the door and my boss calls my name! He asks me to come with him to the other side of the store. Usually I am very, very good at concealing my emotions, but I guess that I made a face because he asked me what was wrong. I quickly tried to play it off and followed him, but I knew I was barely containing my frustration. I tried to catch the hottie after my boss went away but he and his father were paying for their purchases and leaving :(

I am must take this time to mention that there are now 2 people that know that I like guys. I decided to tell Jake, the guy that I work with; he's also gay. I asked him about the encounter and he said that it depended on the signs, but after I told him he made one of those 'you f*cked up faces'. WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Song
"The Brady Bunch" by Jamie Foxx

The Real Me

2009-01-05T22:38:00.000-05:00

My friend David and I had a very constructive conversation. I've mentioned him before because he's the only person that knows that I like guys. He came out to me two and half years ago, and I reciprocated that trust last year this time. Since then we've been closer than the two of us ever had.

David was over at my apartment recently [I was making him a cd] and we got to talking. Our talks are usually very constructive and honest. He used to think that I held back, but we've cleared that up. So, we were covering various topics when he decided that we should talk about me. Now, I must say that of all my friends the subject of me rarely comes up. That is intentional. I am very good at keeping people talking, which is probably why they end up telling me things that they would normally keep secret. David knows my technique and refused to let me employ it. He was clever enough to sense when I was trying to lead the conversation from myself. This ended up forcing me to tell him many of the reasons why I over-analyze everything, etc.

It was funny because a few times I answered a question before he had asked it. He was surprised that I knew where he was going next, but I was admittedly even more surprised; not at myself of course, but at the fact that he was prepared to ask what I thought seemed like a very good question, and they weren't linear in the sense that it was logical to come next.

He was very receptive and he had plenty of advice. It was both scary and refreshing to finally be the one that was able to let large amounts of me to spill out. I can't remember having ever done it for anyone. Ever. I told him about all the Me's that I play; and by that I am referring to all of the different "Masks" *AEK* that I wear. The masks don't necessarily signal a complete change in me, but they express the parts of my personality that I repress and the parts that I accentuate in a specific venue. So all of the things that I want people to see in me come out in respect to the setting I am in.

I do think that his perception of me changed. There was a palpable difference in how he viewed me as a person after our conversation. Not pity, but sadness for how much I hide behind these masks. He did encourage me to tell a few of our friends. I declined.

"Thought of the Day"
Does coming out get easier after the first person?

Song
"Pressure" by Paramore

So that's what happens...

2009-01-01T11:40:00.000-05:00

When you take a chance! No, nothing truly exciting happened. But I did resist the usual temptation to sit and chill.

This New Year's Eve I was invited to my bestfriend's boyfriend's cousin's momma's house! His name is Ray and his family is a mixture of Puerto Rican and Panamanian and they made me feel very welcomed from the outset. I was already a bit infamous as "the one that spoke spanish". I met one of Ray's aunts two months ago and she didn't speak any english, so I blew the dust off the spanish portion of my brain and had a convo. It must have made an impact cause she told the rest of the family, so I kept getting the "le estaba hablando con mi hermana." So, there was much nodding of the head to confirm that I was indeed "the one".

So, in true spanish fashion I was immediately sat down and fed. It was sooo good. There was this grilled pork that tastes like turkey, some mixed rice, shrimp and salad. I had shots of fire water, which is basically 1/10 sprite and 9/10 Grey Goose; and 6 Coronas. Well after ingesting most of my liquid courage I was invited to dance. I tried to politely declined, but it's part of the family initiation. So, I pulled out everything I learned growing up in Miami. I must say that I didn't do too bad. I learned a few new things though, including the Bachata which was difficult, yet fun.

So, we counted down the New Year in great fashion and I got many, many hugs, and kisses on the cheek. I guess it was too soon to lay a proper one on me! I was however invited back again, so it seems to have gone over well.

Of all the Gin Joints in the world....

2008-12-30T05:10:00.000-05:00

....I had to walk into hers. Ok it wasn't that dramatic, but I saw a very VERY beautiful girl on Saturday night. Saturday was a rare night because I had 50% of my siblings with me. My younger brother and [slightly] older sister and I went out to meet up with some of my sister's old friends. They were all Lesbian and all ugly. Afterward my brother said that he could now bring home ANYONE [as in someone unattractive] and we couldn't say anything. LOL! Though we made mean jokes all night, we did have a good time and the girls were pretty cool. I also saw the mother of my children.

Her name was Emily and if I wasn't so dead set on dating a guy [and the fact that I live 200 miles away] I would have asked her out. I didn't though; but we did talk. My sister noticed my brother and me watching her and she called her over to ask her name. then she introduced me. I gave her one of my smiles...she smiled [politely] back. I must mention here that I have no fear in regards to approaching the opposite sex. As long as I can remember I've never had that problem with girls. I find something non-sex related and just walk right up to them and make sure that they don't think that I'm trying to get in their pants. I'm a flirt, but when I do so it's obvious. I'm not tolerant enough to dance around in circles waiting for someone to make a move. Thus, as dinner was wrapping up I felt my tolerance dwindling. I at least wanted to know more about this Emily before I left. My sister was taking a ridiculous amount of time, so I struck up a conversation with Emily at the door. She talked about her other job and how she is a night person [oh yeah!] and we discussed some other crap that filled up about 10 minutes. I like getting people to talk about themselves, it helps them feel comfortable more quickly. So, I asked open ended questions to keep her talking but, like I have mentioned before: Right now I'm interested in guys and not interested in long distance relationships, so I said bye and left. Now if only this can happen with a guy in my own city lol....now that would be great.

What's wrong with me?

2008-12-21T02:26:00.000-05:00

So, I've got it bad. Ever since I've began to come to grips with actually liking guys and wanting to date them I have begun to suspect every good looking guy might be gay. I don't know what is the norm with self-revelatory experiences, but {and please keep in mind that I'm lonely} I keep meeting guys and dying to know whether they are gay or being nice. I'm not sure where this is stemming from, but I keep checking ring fingers, mannerisms, length of eye contact and who they are with to see if there is the potential that the individual might be into guys.
For example, I was at work today. I was folding a table of shirts that had been massacred. A guy had come up to my table and we started a casual conversation. After several laughs I look down and see a ring on his finger. I was hoping that he just arbitrarily wore a ring on his left hand-fourth finger; then his damn wife rolls up. This made me upset. I wanted to say "bitch, do you not see us talking! I know you got more shopping to do."
This is why next week I am going to a gay club. I was waiting until a friend of mine could find the time to take me, but I don't have the tolerance to wait any longer. I have to meet someone before I shrivel and die. I suspect that I am close to getting a girlfriend and that actually makes me sorta mad. There is this girl named Jillian and she's alright, but really not what I'm looking for at the current moment.

Thought of the Day
Isn't flirting a way of making your intentions obvious?

Song
"Meant to Live" by Switchfoot

Yikes!! Over budget....

2008-12-18T01:42:00.000-05:00

So, I went shopping today and I thiiiiiiiiiiiink I went over budget. I was trying to stay under $250 for my siblings and my niece and ended up spending 265 dollars. But the worst part was that most of it was for me :{ I bought a blazer, too button ups, 2 pair of jeans [one for my little brother], 4 thermals [2 for my little brother], 3 t-shirts, a pack of socks, a pair of suede-like dress pants, 2 boxers, an argyle vest, and a fur lined hoodie. Tomorrow I'm buying some $70 shoes that I like. What the hell happened to me? My mom told me that I should stop buying clothes. It's funny cause my closest is full and I only have a third of my clothes at my apartment! My little brother [spoiled] and little sister [who is in actuality 22 months older than me, also spoiled] gifts are done. Now, it's my two nieces and older brother and oldest sister's turns. Then my best friend and I'm done!

This will not be up for long...

2008-12-15T00:12:00.000-05:00

It's a short prologue for my book that I am writing. I don't plan on leaving it up very long, but I thought I'd throw it up here for a bit.

"It's 500 years before Christ. I know because I've already seen his face. I've seen the masses rally around him. I've seen ancient allies go to war and cities that stood for centuries fall, only for new ones to rise in their place. I've seen Rome looted and burned. Those are only some of the things my dreams show me that could come to pass; and I do dream such things. My dreams are the source of my trouble. For there are those that would put their very kingdoms on the line to see what I see, to know what I know. But they wouldn't understand the dreams, because at first I didn't understand either....."

2008-12-10T20:32:00.000-05:00

So, I know I'm posting less and less, but that's not because I'm not on. I'm still commenting and reading some very good stuff. I simply find that I have less and less to say as my life spirals into the obscurity of complete and utter boredom.

I do have one story. It's not terribly funny, its kinda rude I guess. There is this gay guy at my job, cool dude. I sent him a text message while he was out of town and told him that I had something important to tell him. It was my plan to come out to him. I don't know why him. I guess it would be easier cause he's gay, but I don't know whether he has a big mouth or not. Well, today as I was getting ready to leave I started thinking whether or not it hurts to take it up the rear. Having never done it, nor attempted to place anything up my rear for that matter, I was in my opinion understandibly curious. So, I asked him. He avoided me for a few minutes, but then said that it depends on who you are. So, THEN I asked what he meant by "who you are"? Was that supposed to mean if you're swinging a bat then you can hurt somebody? Our conversation was interrupted by a female associate and he took the chance to disappear.

Thought for the Day
"What kind of different things can you fit in an asshole? [no confessions necessary]

Song
Without [interlude] & Can U Help Me by Usher

Some Thing Never Change

2008-12-06T04:04:00.000-05:00

So, my old roommates convinced me to go out tonite. I'm just getting back and it is 4am. Can I say that I had a really good time with them. They showed up at my job at 11:30. I had to count the money, so I was running a little behind. I honestly wasn't expecting them to come so soon, but I knocked the money stuff out and jumped in the truck. I have had very limited interaction since I moved out in May 07. It took all of....36 seconds for me to realize that nothing had changed. The dynamic between each of us was still the same. It was relief for me to realize that they were the same guys that I had met 3 1/2 years ago. I guess some things never change.

So, we went club hopping. I guess we really only hopped once cause the second club was live as hell. I had told them that I had never been there and so we went. It was a good choice too cause the DJ was spinning some good stuff and people were dancing. The previous club was filled with drunk soldiers who had wandered off base for a deserved break. We went in and it didn't take us long to get swept up in the dancing. Now I usually don't dance. Not cause I can't [cause I can BREAK IT DOWN if necessary] but because I really don't feel moved to dance when 87.23% of the club is just standing on the wall watching the dance floor. The people here were moving. I got caught up to say the least; it didn't take long for me to start pulling out everything that I could replicate from Stomp The Yard. It was a good time. Th thought to scope out someone barely crossed my mind. I did see a hottie in some Timbs that caught my eye, but I disregarded it cause I didn't think that there was any interest. On a high note there was this HOT asian girl. I didn't see her until the damn club was closing. She was in a yellow dress....{shakes head}...I pointed her out to one of the roomies and our collective jaws dropped. She looked our way and I turned my head quickly. It was a punk move that I normally don't fall prey to, but she was that good looking. So, I'm a big guy I guess {In my mind I'm still 5'3 125} and she grabbed the back of the hoodie I was wearing so that she could make it out of the club. I thought it would be the gentlemen thing to help, so I grabbed her hand and led her out! We nearly made it to the street together, but her friend grabbed her other hand and said "girl, you can't go home with him." I wanted to say, "yes the hell she can!" but I gave her a smile and joined my boys out front. It wasn't a big deal, but it felt good all the same.

I admitted to David, who is one of my old roommates that moving out was one of the biggest mistakes that I had ever [and I mean in my life} made. I told the other two guys tonite while we were waiting in Krystals for their orders. They reciprocated the feeling. They actually told me that they missed me first, and that prompted me to admit that I wished that I had never broken us up. We agreed that if we found a four bedroom that we'd move in together again as soon as the chance presents itself.

It was an awesome night overall. The relationship between David and me hadn't changed either. We were arguing before the night was over. The other two didn't know because we argued in Travis' truck while they were inside Krystals ordering their food. Alcohol does something to him that not so great. Our years together taught me that, so I ignored some of his disparaging comments. I know once he barfed or pissed the booze out then he'd be good again. He also nearly out me to my fourth roomie (his name is T) at the club. He leaned in and yells "Are you into light skinned guys?!" I really didn't hear him, but I guess he realized that T was in VERY close proximity and that he had said it too loud. He started apologizing, but T either didn't hear it, didn't understand, or disregarded it. I'm hoping for a mixture of all three. I didn't sweat it though. It registered after a second what he had asked me and I answered him.

I ended up driving us to Krystals, then to my place to drop me off. I was the official designated driver when we stayed together. Both because I held liquor the best and because I rarely drink. Its not that I don't want to, but if you read my "10 Things" post then you know that I'm very.....paternal. I always feel responsible and I must do the right thing. David teases me about it often, but I had certain expectations growing up and I haven't been able to avoid feeling like I should maintain the capacity to act accordingly if an unexpected situation arises.

I've been working like crazy because there is a car that I have my eye on. I know that my life will be exponentially more easy when I get wheels. Its one of the things that I'm shooting for by the end of January.

I had a great night, and its back to the real world for me tomorrow. I will definitely be doing this again.

Do I Say Something?

2008-12-02T22:18:00.000-05:00

So, apparently the impression is that I am straight. I can see how that people would get that impression, but it seems like a large assumption to me. I just finished hearing my two housemates and a friend of theirs speaking in our living room. They were talking about the guy catching some gay dudes in his fraternity having sex. The way that he was describing what went down was slightly disturbing. I know that if my sexual preference was common knowledge that the conversation would not have gone on. But what's the point where I say something?

I'm 6'1'', 230. I can say without ego that the three of them together couldn't have taken me. I'm not angry, but I am curious as to why guys sit around and talk about stuff like that? Is there nothing else to discuss? I think straight guys have some obsession about knowing who is gay and who is not, as if somehow those of us who are might to plan to jump them in showers and buttfuck their brains out.

Song
"Slow Motion" Karina Pasian

Been away.....

2008-11-28T00:12:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted in a few days cause I've been running like crazy. I was trapped at my job all day tuesday, and then traveled home that night, then spent a bunch of hours with one of my brothers and one of my sisters; and I would make a real post tonite, but tomorrow I will be at work from......drumroll...5am til midnight. No, that's not a typo. If you are familiar with Black Friday, then you of course understand. It is the craziest shopping day of the year, and since I work in retail and am exceptionally good at it, I have been asked to stay the entire day.

I will discuss my holiday [maybe how my dad almost ruined it for everyone], my thanksgiving resolutions, and my new dating aspirations.

I Want My Body Back!!!!!

2008-11-24T22:07:00.000-05:00

Yes, I've been jacked! What am I missing? A 6-set of abs, a pair of pecs, some ripped quads, and one smokin' hot bum. But I know Exactly who did it...or at least I have some viable suspects. Chef Boyardee, Aunt Jemima, Michelin's [who ever that bitch is], Stouffers, and Bluebell.

I have some leads on where I might find my body though. I'm gonna poke around the gym, produce aisle, the running trail at the park, and the salad bar at olive garden. I want my body back!

Emotion

2008-11-23T15:09:00.000-05:00

In the vastness of the universe
there exists nothing more potent
nor poisonous, nor wonderful,
nor simple as emotion....

That's it for now.

What Happens When You Don't Take A Chance?

2008-11-22T23:29:00.000-05:00

I went out with an old friend of mine. I had a great time. I really hadn't gone out in abt months, just tied up with work and what not. We decided to go out to get some drinks and hit the clubs.

The night went well. While David and I were sitting in our booth a lady walks by me and tells me that I had the sexiest lips. HAHA! I had simply smiled at her when she walked by the first time, but I guess that it caught her attention... :? I kept checking my lips for the rest of the night. :) I thought that it was strange of her to say. I agree that my lips and smile are my best features. They are my money move. I am a big teeth person so smiles really do it for me.

After drinking we hit the club. We went into a place called Oxygen. I had seen it a bunch of times, but never went inside. It was NICE. It wasn't as packed as I imagined it would be but I still had a good time. I was standing by the bar and some girls were dancing on each other. One stops and comes over and starts grinding on me. I give her a little attention and her friend comes over and makes it a three-some. My buddy who is with me says that I've been getting all the attention tonite. I laughed. He went to the bathroom and I decided to be adventurous. Th girl who had come over to me was now alone. I pulled up a chair and patted it, indicating for her to sit down. Then I dicked her down! I gave her a little lap dance gyrating everything I own on her. She almost fell out of the chair, but I caught the back of it. The funny part was that I did all of this while holding David's drink!

We left a little after 1:30am. I had really wanted to dance some more, but there wasn't really anyone on the dance floor and my threesome partners were gone. I ended up driving home, hadn't had anything but an Incredible Hulk and a Long Island Ice Tea, so I was good. David was a little buzzed. We got to my place so that he could sober up before he went home. I did the thing that I do when I start asking questions, but had told me that the night was supposed to be abt me. He decided to ask me some stuff that was on his mind. I did my usual to steer the convo his way. He was sharp and caught on to my ploy. Then he surprised me. He asked me to show him my dick. Let me stop and say that I had known for a long time that he was gay and he is the only person that I had ever told that I was bi. He is probably reading this right now thinking of all the horrible things that he will do to me, but that's ok. The point of this blog is for me to have an outlet to speak freely and I owe it to you guys to be honest.

His request threw me for a loop. I had always thought of him as a cousin that you really don't see often, but you really enjoy. My immediate thought was this was his last stage of seduction. In my tendency to overthink I saw the night out sort of like a date. I ran through my mind that perhaps he had planned this. But then I also thought, who the hell would want to seduce ME?! Again the request to pull it out came. I didn't reject the request, I simpy told him that it felt weird to go that route with him. Now, nearly 24 hours later, after being at work all day and seeing happy couples, my mind starts to think, why didn't I take the chance? He's not clingy, or needy? I don't think that he would start waiting in my parking lot to catch glimpses of me. Why didn't I take the chance? David cited my tendency to overthink. I agree that I overthink and explained to him why, but he dismissed my answer. Thought I didn't show it, that made me angry. I was honest with him and he sort of wrote it off. I rarely explain myself to people, cause my thoughts are they either don't care of won't get it.

As I'm writing this my mind goes to razz's response to a comment I made on his blog. He posed the quintessential question of whether it [dating Jay] was worth it. And how much would he have to compromise in order to make it work. It probably turned out to be very little now that he's in the relationship and it's thriving, but I have the same thought going on in mind. How much would I have to comprmise to have a hook up with David? I have a Dick over Feelings threshold, and when I pass that I no longer feel like its E, but rather someone else that has taken over.

I always thought [and this will be SOOO corny] that my first time with a guy would be [sigh] special. Not special in the 'I LoveYou' sort of way, but something memorable that I will look back on at be able to laugh at. Had I did the horizontal hokey-pokey with David it would not have met my expectations. And if I'm looking at this unrealistically someone please say something!! But as I follow some of these blogs and browse others, I see relationships of substance proliferating. It makes me think, Damn, I could find a good guy who might be willing to date and be interested in what I think and what the hell I have to say. David had made clear to me that he's not interested in a relationship or anything that resembles such...but what happens when you don't take a chance?

Song
"More to Life" Stacie Orrico

Thought for Today
Why take the road less traveled by?

~E

I'm Lonely Pt. 2

2008-11-21T00:47:00.000-05:00

Sorry, this would have been up sooner, but Valerie came over and she wasn't feeling well, so I made her some tea and we listened to some music. She sent me a text message after she left:

Valerie: I'm home
E: I'm glad that you txt'd me.
Valerie: I called you but you didn't answer. I have a question for you. I feel like you like me in an odd way but you're not saying it and you were being sarcastic tonight. Just let me know how you feel.
E: My bad. I didn't hear it ring [true]. I'm in the shower [lie]. I think ur cool. Was I acting strange?
Valerie: Yeah.
E: What did I do? Did I make u uncomfortable?

She never sent me anything back, but I know we will be having a convo abt this soon enough. But this is very off subject of my intentions for this post which was to write about my past experience with guys. There have been two guys with whom I've done anything. The first was when I was 7. While on a field trip another boy and I discovered an attraction to one another and explored our anatomy while in an observatory. It was dark and everyone was listening to the scientist talk about the planets. Astronomy was sorta my thing, so I wasn't worried about a test afterward. I was more interested in exploring this new sensation. My buddy and I were busy groping each other in the dark for the rest of the lesson. The next day at school he completely ignored me, basically pretended that I didn't exist. It would be 13 years before I would have another experience similar. In the years between I dated girls exclusively. I even had a girlfriend for 3 straight years. We were so young that I doubt that it counts, but I remember our time together.

It was when I moved in with my roommates two summers ago that I encountered a new problem. One of my roommates was kinda hot. The other two were definitely not ugly, but really not my type. It was like being brothers, and anyone who knows how that is knows that it would just be weird. For the hot one, Travis, I never wanted to be his brother...his lover, maybe. The funny thing about this story is that I had very little intention of hooking up with him.

David had been my other roommate and close friend, and he had come out to me soon after we moved in together. He hadn't told Travis or our other roommate. I had always knew that he might be gay but thought it rude to ask. My suspicions also suggested that Travis might like to double dip, but had no concrete evidence. I had known several of his girlfriends and knew that he had slept with them. There was something more to him though. It started with his jokes about sucking dick. He said it just a little to often and it sparked my attention. Then there was the time in his room when he had turned out the light and I was standing close to him simply trying to leave. He had stood in my way for a moment, face to face. I swiftly stepped around him trying to diffuse my own desire that was rising up from a pit that I had long locked away. If I were Peter Parker my spider-sense would have def be tingling at the point. The last straw was confirmed by David himself. While myself and the fourth roomie were away David had managed to push up onto Travis with very little apprehension from Travis. I went over the scenario with David several times to make sure that it wasn't misinterpretation on his part. After many detail oriented interations of the events my thoughts were confirmed. Travis was deffo curious...at the very least.

I would get the perfect chance to find out as Travis asked me to get him pissy drunk. He told me that he had never been tore down before and that he wanted to be so far gone that he didn't remember the night on the next day, so I proceded to complete the task to which he had set. It was New Years '07 and I was in rare form. After our first round of drinks at home I went and got a bottle of Vodka X-Rated that I had been saving. We took straight shots. I managed 14 and was still sort of functional. At 12 Travis was....what's the word? FUCKED UP! He was also horny. I gave way for David to seduce him. I wanted very much to watch it all take place, but Travis wan't didn't go for the bait. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that I was wrong. I had added up all the evidence and my conclusion was completely inaccurate. Travis didn't want to do anything.

I sat up with him for the rest of the night as he puked his brains out. I was honestly afraid to leave him alone. Even though he had begged me to get him wasted I felt responsible. Despite that he was 2 years older than me I still felt the obligation to make sure that he made it through the night. I had changed his clothes after he had thrown up on them and helped him into bed. That's when things got interesting. I saw his semi in his boxers and the liquor in my own system kicked into action. I started blowin' him like I had bird flu and his dick had the antidote. For a while we went at it, but I stopped. I'm sure he wasn't pleased, but this was NOT the scenario that I had in mind. Plus I felt bad [my feelings often get in the way of my dick's plans]. This was supposed to be David's night, not mine.

For the rest of the night I sat by his bed and made sure he didn't die in his sleep [cause I'm paranoid like that]. He ended up getting more and more sober. At around 5 am he says to me "I think you're bi, E." I told him to shut up and go to sleep. My mind was racing. Did he know my secret or was it just the alcohol talking. After a few minutes his breathing evened out and I knew that he had fallen asleep. I got up and went back to my room. The next morning he thanked me and made no reference to the night before. He says he remembers everything before the 5th shot. I quizzed him just to be sure, but he didn't seem to recall anything important, so I left it at that.

All this confirmed what I had known since second grade. I liked guys. It was a problem for though cause even as a kid I wanted to be a dad. I knew even early on that I would be a good father. I had all the instincts, patience, and I was attentive. My only problem was whether I still like girls. I answered that question with a yes really quickly. But it didn't help my dilemma. I wanted a boyfriend. I'm still confused on that front.

Sorry to end so abruptly but my stomach just informed me that I haven't fed him, as we tend to diagree abt his feeding times. Let me go handle it and I'll fill in any questions in my next post. Please ask away!!!!!!!!!!!

Well they're rich.......

2008-11-20T18:35:00.000-05:00

What do Lil Bow Wow, Chad Michael Murray, Ruben Studdard, and Tom Brady all have in common....Well they're rich, but evidently they all look like me! At least that's what the face recognition software says. I tried the software [razz has a link on his blog] and my results were very interesting. It was very fun to look at some of the celebrities that have features that the program deems similar to mine. I'm just happy that Rosie O'Donnell or Notorious B.I.G. didn't come up :@

Thanks to AEK, Midorivergreen, Exalen, and naturgesetz, for their comments. I really appreciate everyone's advice, you guys are great! A special thanks to Razz for gathering some support for me. I am on my way because of you guys. I'm lonely Pt.2 Should be up tonite. I will explain my coming out plans, how I realized that I like guys, and why I still want to marry a girl!

I'm Lonely Pt.1

2008-11-18T23:38:00.000-05:00

So, yeah...I'm lonely. It sounds so depressing and all that, but its true. I haven't dated anyone in several years. But that drought is really self-imposed. Why, you ask would I deny myself a partner for so long? That's a good question and I shall explain.

During my Junior year in High School my very best female friend got pregnant. She had the kid and became a mommy. Since we were friends I decided that I would try to help where I could and spent lots of my with helping her and the baby. So much time in fact that my parents thought that the kid might have been mine! I quickly corrected them.

Well fast forward to my Senior year, it's November and my best bud tells me that his girlfriend might be pregnant. I was absolutely furious. I had told him to stop fucking that skank, but he wouldn't listen to me. A few weeks later he confirms her pregnancy and gets giant tattoos on the inside of his arms. Damn fool! It was the beginning of our falling out.

By that latter half of my Senior year my third best friend [there were only 3] told me that she had been pregnant but didn't keep the baby! I stopped drinking tap water and eating school food. I thought surely someone has rigged this. Why are all my friends so fertile?! I must mention that my dad had become a a father at 18. So, I was understandably flipping out. I thought, "Shit! I have to be next." So I did the only thing that I knew to do. I swore off sex. I wasn't really getting a lot of it to begin with, but I didn't want to chance it. I wanted kids, but like at 30. 17 was not my target age.

So, to come full circle that is why I went into self-imposed solitude. I couldn't be responsible for someone's mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual growth. I didn't want to be responsible. I knew all along that I like boys too. I had known since 2nd grade. I just kind of ignored it cause there wasn't a platform for me to express that particular desire. My entrance into college went off without a hitch. I had great grades and could have gotten into a better school, but my tendency to procrastinate lead me to my current school.

For the last four years I have gone to school and work, and work and school. Not much of a social life really. Reading about the brave, happy couples here in blog-land, I have decided to put myself back on the market. For some reason I really want to date a guy. Never done it. I fooled around a few times, but nothing that wasn't without the aid of alcohol. I am worried cause this probably means that I have to come out to my best friend. I've been feeling like the conversation is steadily steering in that direction. Today in the SAME restaurant that I had two previous chances to break the news I dismissed the discussion from my mind for a third time. This is also the restaurant that I flirted with the guy the other night. She wasn't with me and I think its clear that she has not heard the story. So, it really comes down to whether my loneliness is greater than my fear of telling my friend that I like guys too?

Song:
Johnathan Clay "Back To Good"

~E

10 Things About Me....Like you didn't know it was coming!!

2008-11-17T12:26:00.000-05:00

Ok, AJ's boy Matt started this a few days ago. Then Razz over at Doin' me head in followed up with his ten [great blog]. I told him that he was going to start an epidemic of these "10 Things" posts, and I have seen them popping up everywhere since. So, though at risk of being a follower, I was compelled to start my own.

1. I was born and mostly raised in Florida. My sister and I both learned to talk at really young ages, but I apparently only spoke to a select group of people [see fact 9].

2. My parents were both engaged to other people when they met. They were friends for a long time before they started dating. My dad had a daughter and my mom had a son and daughter before they got together. My younger brother and I then came along, but I don't feel like ANY of my brothers or sisters are half-siblings. I never introduce them that way, or specify that we have different parents unless clarification is in order. So I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. That was easier to explain than usual.

3. I am very paternal. I am often the youngest in my group of friends, not by much, usually a year or two. However, often is the case that I am sought out when something happens to someone or advice is needed. I give health advice, relationship advice, etc. I particularly feel the need help people through emotional crises. It's just my thing.

4. I speak fluent spanish, and I'm literate in French. I absolutely love languages. I'm gonna try to study Japanese next semester at school and maybe German later on.

5. I'm really into sports [my brothers are huge jocks]. I wasn't as a kid, even though I played football [American], ran Track, and played Basketball. I now love it all, especially basketball. I have been told many times that I'd make a great coach.

6. I've been told I have a very nice singing voice, and despite playing other instruments I didn't realize that I had any talent until I got to college and taught myself piano! I was visiting my mom at work not long after and noticed a piano there. I thought that I'd try it out just for fun, you know. My mom thought I had disappeared to get out of helping her with something. She said that while she was looking for me she kept hearing a piano playing and even saw some of the staff listening in the doorway of the room I was playing in. She said that she had NO idea that it was me until one of the staff turns to her as she walks by and says [Mrs. E's mom] your son is really good. Is he classically trained? She peeked inside the door and was quite surprised to find that I was indeed seated at the keys playing. [true story!] I've played at several functions for her since :)

7. I.....am......the biggest procrastinator in the history of waiting til the last minute. Its not helpful cause I HATE being late. It enfuriates me to have to walk into a room and have everyone stare at me like I'm a fucking alien.

8. Apparently many of us are ambidextrous. My dad is right handed and my mom is left. When I was learning how to write I would use one hand with my dad and the other with my mom. My dad ended up forcing me to exclusively use my right hand, but I still secretly practiced with my left.

9. When I was a kid I wouldn't let anyone touch me except my mother, my godmother, and my sisters' godsister. That's it. Anyone else try to pick me up or touch me and I would run away or burst out crying. My mom says that people couldn't even look at me. LOL! Everyone still teases me about it. I don't know why I was that way. I think its cause I've always been REALLY shy [something my friends will adamantly deny]. My mom told me that when I was 3 yrs old my dad asked her "Can he talk?". She laughed. I could talk [real sentences] since I was a year and half. My mom said that I wouldn't shut up once she got me going.

10. I've been secretly searching for a movie/book/song that is sad enough to make me cry. I'm very much the opposite of how I was as a kid. I have absolutely no problem engaging people. I am still shy as hell, but I know how to mask that in order to initiate conversation or get information. I am very even tempered. I tend not to get emotional or excited [outside of music], nor down and gloomy. I dislike being hyped up and let down, I just don't let anything get me excited until that thing comes into fruition [I think the exception is hot guys/hot girls! That gets me excite everytime], but I digress. For some reason I just wanna read/watch/hear something that makes me burst out crying. My bestfriend insists that I watch The Notebook. I read a lot and love movies....there is some good stuff out there, just haven't found one that does it for me, something that completely has me bowled over. Suggestions?

Well, at first this was a difficult post. Then as I started writing I realized that I had WAAAAY more stuff than I could put in 10 points. It's cool though cause now you know a lot more about me!

"Thought for Today"
If love turns its back, do I turn mine?

Song
Brian McKnight "Again"

~E

Can I Have Your Number?

2008-11-15T22:40:00.000-05:00

Sooooo, I kinda flirted with a guy tonite. It started when I went on lunch, which was really dinner cause it was so late. I decided to go to this chicken place that I love and the cashier was this really nice guy [niether cute nor ugly, just a guy]. I ordered and struck up a conversation about some drama that ensued at the strip mall where I work while I waited for my food. He gave me a free drink while we talked.

After a few minutes he went to the back and brought my food out. So, then I asked "Can I have your number?" He paused and got all flustered [I think he blushed]. HA!! Then I was like "cause I want to call my order in before I come next time." He realized that I meant the number to the restaurant. LOL! The look on his face was priceless! I told him that the number was on the receipt and that I would give him a call sometime and then I left. The food was good as hell though....I hope he didn't put any EXTRA special sauce on it.

Sincerely Yours

2008-11-15T22:28:00.000-05:00

To the One,
I'm sorry
I would have started this with dear
but I know these words won't bring you back
or could have made you shed less tears
I won't go into specifics
cause I know I hurt you bad
and though you may feel indifferent
just let me tell you that
I was scared cause we fell in love too fast
and I thought nothing that felt this good
was ever meant to last
so as you read this letter
just know my heart is in my hands
I hope things between us get better
Not asking for a second chance..........

It feels like all these stop short.

Two Tests

2008-11-12T16:34:00.000-05:00

So, I am thinking about hooking up with Valerie. We're good friends, but she has made it clear that she has a crush on me [since forever]. My best friend has been trying to get us to fuck each other since the word 'go'. W actually had a bet. Valerie and this guy that like Tiffany worked with us and both of them wanted to get with us. Tiff and I were going through a "drought" and we needed to get laid, but we didn't want to sleep with either of those two, so we made a bet. I forgot what the winner gets, but it was basically "Who holds out against sleeping with the ppl crushing on us was the winner, and the one that sleeps with the person that likes them loses".....I won.

Valerie is a cool chick, but she doesn't past my two tests. I have two tests cause I have fucked up in the past. The tests are really questions that I ask myself, and they are as follows:

1. Can I see myself with this person for longer than two weeks?

2. When the relationship is over will I not be ashamed that I dated this person?

If both answers are no, then I don't even waste my time.

The Uncertainty of Love

2008-11-09T12:30:00.000-05:00

If all is fair in love and war
Is your heart worth me fighting for?
Inside there lurks an innate fear
Of losing all that I hold dear
You say love is patient, love is kind
But if love turns its' back
Do I turn mine?
And keep track of things asinine?

A toast to love and all it brought!
A hound, a pound
A soundless thought,
It's all for naught,
Or so it seemed
Until one finds a love redeemed

Never have I felt this way
"I'm in love!" you start to say
Tempest subsides, clouds retract,
A new sun shines,
The rain refracts,
Chromatic tact,
But flaws mark this plan
Condensation, irritation
You're hurt again...

Just wrote that like 10 minutes ago. Definitely not finished. I didn't even edit it I'm just throwing it up here, so don't be too brutal.

"post"-post edit...

You're through you say
"that's it for me
I'm sick of Love's uncertainty"

I was rereading and that part seemed to come next. Ok, now that's it for now...I think.

Halloween, Hoes, Hit & Run, and Horniness

2008-11-08T23:47:00.000-05:00

So, it dawned on me that I had not shared the excitement surrounding my Halloween party. So it started with my friend and I [we were hosting it together] going to a party store. We bought a bunch of decorations and went to redecorate for the party. After spending an hour moving furniture, checking lighting, arguing over what music to play, and who NOT to invite, we finished and I went to Work. I slaved as work, trying all the while to be nice to customers while counting down to the party. Finally at 9:30 we were all done and I escaped.

We decided to change the location to my best friend Tiffany's house since it was easier to rigg up our stuff there. When I arrive from work she had everything ready to receive guests. I had gotten myself ready for all the party hoes [see previous posts for definition], but my friends had other plans for me. I had a so-so day at work and wanted alcohol in my system, so I had three beers, five shots, two smirnoffs and a tooter within 10 minutes of walking in the door. I received several strange looks from my friends, who seemed like they wanted to sign me up for the next AA meeting. I ignored them and slid to the floor. I like to dance, but I am painfully shy, so the booze helped me disregard the other ppl in the room. I ended up pinning a co-worker against the wall and grinding on her...there are pictures of it on myspace.....

I figured that I would just chill for the rest of the night and mind my business, but no, Tiffany had plans for me. She decided that she wanted me and the Valerie to hook up. So that was the plan, but there was a problem. Valerie up and disappeared. We went looking for her, and I kinda lost interest in her. Meanwhile the party was to get far more interesting as we moved to the breezeway outside and began getting uninvited visitors. We didn't mind though, there was plenty to drink and we even had snacks to eat. One guy was tore up when he got there, and as we were on the third story I was surprised that he even made to our party. He tried to push up some of the girls, but they weren't feeling him. Eventually he and Valerie started dancing together. They fell on the floor and somehow ended up with their pants down [don't ask me how]. Luckily Tiffany swooped in and stopped something Valerie might regret. She was so drunk that I doubt that she would have remembered.

I snuck out as the party wound down and called my little brother. I'm not really sure why I called him, but he and I are really close, so he talked to me as I walked back to my apartment [which is only across the parking lot from the party]. I knew that I had taken in too many spirits in a short time and I have a famously strong alcohol tolerance, but I forgot to eat so I could feel the beer and shots of bacardi and rum swirling around in my tummy. I laid down in my bathroom thinking that I was going to vomit, but nothing ever came out and I feel asleep. I woke up an hour later and heard lots of noise. The guy who had come to my party completely fucked up hit four cars on his way out of the parking lot. It turns out that he had taken 6 zanex [sp?], 6 shots, and smoked 6 blunts BEFORE coming to my party and consuming more alcohol. I don't know how the hell he did it but he made it home alive; too bad he lived across the street from my best friend's boyfriend's cousin. They reported the dumb fuck.

At this point I climbed into the bed. I was tired as hell from the party. Then I threw up. I was mad as hell. I spent two hours hoovering over a toliet in my bathroom and nothing comes, then when I get ready to go to bed THEN it happens. Luckily I had enough sense to lean over my bed. I grabbed one of the shopping bags that I had gotten from worked and made my deposit. Some of it got on my laptop bag, which made me pissed, but a trip to the washer cleared that up. I awoke the next day to "what the hell happened to you" talks from my bestfriend and her boyfriend. I told that I left to avoid sleeping with Valerie, but the truth is that I probably woulda hit that if I had found her...uh. The story also traveled fast to my job, cause the next day four co-workers told that they heard what happened and wished that they had come. I told them that they'll bring their asses when I throw a New Year's Party, but I was BS-ing.

So now a week after the party I have decided to find some one. I'm absolutely jealous of AJ over at AJ's ramblings. It sounds like he has a hot thing going with Matt. So now I am in the process of scouting someone for me, not sure exactly what I'll find, but I'll blog when I see him.

It's Coming

2008-11-06T14:37:00.000-05:00

Today my morning began quite early. For some unknown reason I have been waking up at like 8am every morning. Regardless of whether I have slept sufficiently, or set an alarm clock, or intended to sleep in, I have gotten up at 8. My day was fine until 2 hours ago. I missed the bus from my house and I don't have a car. My best friend is acting like an ass, and I hate my job. So, all in all it was a sucky morning/afternoon.

And I know what's coming. I know that very soon my bestfriend and I are going to have an argument. I also know that I am tired of dealing with stupid shit. I very nearly n the verge of yelling that I am bi, and don't give a flying fuck what she thinks, and I am going to be happy, either with a best friend or all a-fucking-lone. Usuallly I am very self-contained, I think that all adults should be. There's no reason to wild-out like you no fucking sense, but damnit I am angry.

Congrats Barack!

The First Person

2008-10-31T10:31:00.000-04:00

Ok. So, here is the backstory. When I was..younger...three friends and I decided to get an apartment together. We figured it would be more cost effective than staying at school housing, so we got a great apartment and all moved in. We had lived together the previous year and kinda had a feel for one another. Before we moved in David and I bumped heads. I was sort of seen as the bad guy and we fell out. It didn't take long, but we got past that, moved in together, and we were content. Shortly into out stint as roomies we had a small get together at out apartment. Though I didn't realize it at the time, David was our resident party hoe. He could find a good party and throw one as well.

So, on the night of our party some people fell asleep on his bed, not wanting to be rude he didn't wake them. I told him that he was welcome to sleep in my room. That's when he began confessing. It didn't take too much prodding on my end. He accused me of already knowing anyway and it was true. I had a very strong suspicion that he was gay, but I figured that if he wanted me to know that he would tell me; then he told me. I let him know that I was happy that he felt like he could trust me with his secret and we talked for the rest of the night.

It was a new chapter in our friendship. There were so many things that we shared interests in [that's horrible grammar]. We love movies, music, and books. I remember many a night that we sat awake brainstorming how beyonce or ne-yo's next album should sound. Often we would give a play-by-play synopsis of that night's American Idol, who could be getting voted off, and why they screwed up. It was the best of times, so it was natural for me to tell him about my same sex curiosity. He wasn't the only person I knew that was gay [My sister is out], but for someone reason I trusted him the most. I think because we both understood what it was like to have a secret and not be able to tell anyone. My confession really sprung forth after I had moved out [dumb mistake] and we were chatting online. David was giving me the detail of a steamy hook up that happened with a common friend. As he was telling me the story a part of me felt like I had not reciprocated the same trust that he had always shown me. I remember typing "Oh no, now you're gonna make me confess..." I never knew if he suspected what was coming next. I told him that I had hooked up with the same guy [he was and is the only guy with whom I've done anything] a few months prior.

Well, let's say that it was WHOLE new chapter. It was the biggest secret that I had told anyone, and apart of me was relieved that I had told him. It was the first time that I wasn't worried that someone would use something personal to manipulate me. As David can confirm, I am very concerned when it comes to privacy. I was actually happy that there was something else that we had in common, something that linked us, that I could ask his advice on, or compare experiences to :} I had never told anyone before him, and no one since......except all of you.

....Waiting

2008-10-31T01:26:00.000-04:00

I said that I would explain my history with David, and how he learned that I was bi, why I trusted him with my secret and what he said about my book and its still gonna happen. I sent him the post to make sure that all the facts are cool [I know they're right] and if he's ok with me telling....

David

2008-10-29T15:30:00.000-04:00

Ok, I have one foot out the door. No, not THAT door. I was referring to my front door cause I'm on the way to work, but I have a good friend that has started commenting on the blog and I wanted to explain. His name is David. I gave him my url, and some of the others that I follow. He responded well to reading our posts and he decided to start commenting. There is a great story behind the two of us. He is the first person that I came out to, the only person to read from my book, and my only real confidante, especailly since I'm really private. I'll detail how it all happened [after I ask him if its ok] when I get a chance....until then.

The Manuscript

2008-10-29T11:33:00.000-04:00

So, I'm writing a book. I just the got the idea to write one four years ago during my freshmen year in college. I had a major setback however one day when my brother told me to turn on the tv and I saw a show that GREATLY resembled my manuscript, so I basically had to throw the damn thing out the window and start over; was not happy. So, I've spent the last two years trying to generate something, for lack of a better term, Fresh and New. I'm happy with the direction of the new story. The thing that has impressed me most is how much better my writing has become. I believe each state has their own version of a graduation exam. When I took mine in high school I received a perfect score on the language arts portion. I didn't consider myself a very capable writer at the time, so I was surprised by the results.

Now, I've kinda got 1/4 of the book into a readable build. I'm really having trouble with the ending though. I haven't really gotten there yet, but it has to be good. I enjoyed twist endings, or surprises that I should have seen but missed, that pop up at the end. Its probably why I love the Sixth Sense-type of movies. Surprises are great.

Initially I thought that I would post excerpts from the book, but now I'm having second thoughts.

Another missed Opportunity.

2008-10-28T22:42:00.000-04:00

Argggg....I have had TWO opportunities in the last 2 days to come out to my best friend. Let me explain:

On Monday night we were coming to our apartments (we live in the same apartment complex in the buildings directly across from each other), and some how we got to discussing the topics of penises. I don't like the word penis, so hence forth we shall refer to it as dick. So, she said that gay men have the biggest dicks, and I said, "really...pause...that's interesting." So, she asked me why is that interesting? And I said, "I didn't know that they had bigger ones than we did." Why didn't I say something like "I didn't know we were so highly thought of," or something "We just got it like that!" basically something other than "I didn't know that...blah, blah, blah".

The second was today. We were watching Iron Man on dvd, and we we talking about the prominence of superheroes in little boys' lives, and how every little boy knows abt Iron Man/Superman/Batman. Then she says, "You gotta be gay if you don't know who they are." I honestly don't believe that she said it to be pejorative towards homosexuals in any way, but it offended me. It was the first time that I was hurt by someone being negative towards gay ppl, and that it was MY friend made it hurt even more. I really wanted to say, "I'm gay/bi and I know who those guys are. I love sports. I'm not prissy, or sweet. What does being gay have anything to do with it?" I didn't say any of that, but I gave her the look. It's the face that I give her when I think that she's being dumb about something. We often have discussions about gay stereotypes [my sister's gay...and out...I'm proud cause she has more courage in her pinkie than I do in my entire body, but I digress...] I usually say that she's not being fair cause she is supposed to be a progressive minded person, and she should be tolerant of other ppl's choices. One day we had a discussion (what I call our small arguments) about gay people, and I said to her, "...and what if I was gay?" It was funny cause she paused for a moment. I think she was weighing the odds of me liking guys. She said that she had NOTHING against gay ppl, but she didn't understand it. I told her that it was ok, it's not meant for her to understand. I told her that I don't understand why she acts like a bitch during her period when she could just medicate herself and be fine. That made her laugh! But I got my point across.

The issue that's worrying me is that we are getting closer and closer to the truth. I've made one too many sexual references over the last few weeks, so now she is convinced that I need to get laid (which I do); and since we are having a Halloween party, she thinks that it's the perfect night for me to hook up with this girl from work who has been in love with me for two years. We'll call her Valerie. Valerie has made it plain that she has the hots for me. Last summer I had a "get drunk and pass out wherever" night at my old apartment. She was one of the ppl that were there, and we almost did something very naughty, but I couldn't seal the deal because i felt weird. On another occasion after leaving the club one night we were at her house and she put the moves on me, played with the doodle [what Josh from Alwayshard calls it] and what not, but my friend was in the bathroom and I did not want her to know that I slept with Valerie, so again, nothing happened. Let me make it clear that she IS NOT my type. I have a really nice smile, and I have a thing about teeth...enough said about that subject. So, we have just been friends since then.

Now, there is the issue of my pending Halloween party, which seems to really be happening this Friday. I was supposed to spend today scouting party hoes....I don't think that I need to explain what a party hoes is, BUT I will give a quick synopsis. A party hoe...coined by my brother and I, is a young lady that does not miss a party. The bitch be everywhere. If there is shit going on, then she knows it. Chick knows where it is going down and knows who will throwing the best shindig, so party hoes are useful in getting the message out to the public and convenient for the retrieval of sexual favors. End synopsis. This might be the most revealing thing on my blog cause only my tight-knit friends and my brother call ppl party hoes, unless its out there somewhere else and we've never heard it. My scouting was interrupted by having to go costume shopping though, so tomorrow I'll try before work.

Today's Thought
"What the hell is cruising, and how do I do it?"

Song
"5:19" by Matt Wertz

~E

One is the Loneliest Number.......

2008-10-26T18:07:00.000-04:00

....and I should know,
cause when I'm with you time just flies
but without you it goes slow,
and the minutes turn into days
and days become years
and it's hard to find your way
when your eyes are clouded with tears
so lie awake at night
tryna find a reason why
you let her leave at all

It's a feeling you never get used to
what once was there
is no longer next to you
and it don't seem fair
there was nothing you could do,
once love has taken control its hard to let go,
but its better to have loved and lost and then let it go
than not loved at all and never know
it's just a chance that you take
that might cause your heart to break
but eventually you'll come back for more......

I guess that this is another one that I hadn't quite finished. Quite truthfully its a song that I had written five and half years ago, but there was never any music composed for it as I couldn't play piano at the time. I eventually found a piano at my school during my freshman year in college. I could read music cause I played sax in middle school, so between finding sheet music and mimicking what I heard on the radio, I learned how to play. I'm in three years deep and pretty good. Comments, criticism, interpretations, etc. are all welcome!

~E

Halloween!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-26T01:38:00.000-04:00

So, I've been at work alot. Most ppl complain about it, but I kinda love money, so I just keep my mind on payday as I smile and pretend to be happy for the customers that come into the store. I am anxious cause next week I'm expecting lots of things to go on. I'm co-hosting a Halloween party next Friday, so I'm excited abt that. It'll be my first time hosting. I also plan to go out to a gay club with an old friend on the following night. He's currently the only person that knows that I like to double dip :) That'll be another first for me, so I'm kinda excited/scared cause I really don't know what to expect (or who I'll see).

I received some really encouraging responses abt my poem. I'm really surprised that ppl liked it. Its funny cause I've lived in South Florida for most of my life and I love the beach, but there was something about the Pacific that just did it for me. I was a sophomore in college at the time and I was having a career crisis. My father was pushing me one way, and I didn't feel like I had a choice. The good thing is now I know better. There is always a choice, it's just that some are harder to make than others.

"Today's Thought"
How do you get a guy to notice that you are noticing him, without others noticing?

Song
Trey McLaughlin "On Calvary" on youtube

~E

You Walked Outta My Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-20T00:35:00.000-04:00

I had a job interview today. It was a group interview, which I've never had before. I tried to stand out without drawing attention to myself. I think I made a good impression. There was a guy there that was REALLY good looking. I immediately thought "Man, you should be modeling, NOT working here." It was cool cause I think that he's one of those guys that are oblivious to the fact that he's completely hot. There's something attractive about people not knowing that they're complete eye-candy and are probably being eye-raped by males and females. Oh course I didn't talk to him. I'm usually decent at spontaneous pulling a convo out of mid-air. It's kinda of important to my current job cause I'm a cashier and people always want to explain why they're buying/for whom they are buying it for while I'm ringing up there stuff.

There was a guy who already worked there that was cute too. He asked me how the interview went and I said cool. I wanted to say "it was alright, but you could make it better if you gave me your phone number." But of course I didn't say that. I just smiled and said "it was cool".

So, I have two roommates. One is deffo gay. I have a talent for getting people to confide in me. I tried to encourage him to come out, but he didn't go for the bait. I am ZERO percent interested physically, but I kinda wanna know. There's still time. The other guy is straight. He's cool too. He plays guitar and I play piano, so we were thrilled to get the chance to jam together a few times. He's teaching me to play guitar in exchange for piano lessons. His ex came over today and they had a fight that started in our living room and ended up in the parking lot. It was quite dramatic. She came over to get some of her stuff that she left. She was clearly miffed about something, but when he asked her she said that nothing was wrong (which is a whole other subject abt why chicks say nothing when it's something), but she was upset. So, his asking her what was wrong basically turned into a back and forth about why they broke up. He screamed that she was the one that walked out of his life. I kept thinking that a really good song is gonna come out of this, but I stayed out of it. When I see him I'll probably ask what went wrong, try to be a friend.

I think that I will do a "Today's Thought" section at the end of my posts. Just some random things I've been wondering since I'm new to all this. Maybe I can get some of you guys to give me some feedback; and since I am ALWAYS listening to music, even when I'm not listening to music, I'll also post what's currently playing on my computer or in my head.

"Today's Thought"
I wonder the likelihood of one of my friends or fam finding this blog and putting 2 and 2 together?

Playing: JRice-"One More Day" on youtube

~E

Two roads in a wood diverge and I....

2008-10-16T00:14:00.000-04:00

....don't know which one I should choose and why,
like a knife, concise, this cut requires precision,
will I win, will I lose, decisions, decisions,
and do I dare disturb the current path
for in a minute there is time
but a minute doesn't last
like sand in a glass once stretched along the beach,
the grains slip through my fingers
time out of my reach,
I see castles, shores, a change in tides
a change of heart could change my mind,
plans go awry, the ebb and flow
won't change where I've been, but where I'll go
I struggle through currents of uncertainty,
waves of doubt wash over me......

.....that's kinda as far as I ever got with this one. I just started writing one day about my visit to California. I remember seeing the gigantic houses, and the pacific ocean, and then all of this came out. I guess I never finished it cause I'm still struggling through the waves of uncertainty, LOL. Maybe one day it'll be done.

The Beginning.

2008-10-15T20:06:00.000-04:00

I guess everyone's blog starts off mostly the same way. They either had random thoughts that they wanted to post and decided to start a blog, or read someone else's and became inspired. I just wanted to write someone a comment and was tricked into joining. Don't regret it at all.

So, I guess that I should start off with the requisite stuff. I'm bi/gay, so basically I'll hump anything attractive. No one knows. I intend to keep it that way until I am ready. I enjoy many different blogs here in blog-topia. There are lots of different subject matter that gets cover and I think that we help each not feel so isolated with our individual problems. I think that it's awesome for us to have a network, so that the vets can help guys who are just coming to grips with being gay. Love Alwayshard, Jason's randomness, and story of a boy....feel free to suggest any others to me.

I have a slight headache (which is rare) so this may not come out as eloquently as I had intended.

I am not the publicly simulated version of gay/bi. I'm 6'1'', love sports, not macho, but def not pansy. Growing up a jock, with jock brothers, it just couldn't happen. I have a unquenchable passion for music, and if it were not for the pounding in my head I would no doubt be listening to something RIGHT NOW. Love, love, love books. I own a small library of books and ejoy reading new and exciting things. Love sports, big basketball and soccer fan. I enjoy traveling and learning different languages. I also, recently acquired a 'like' for fashion (which isn't a surprise cause of where I work). That's kinda it....ohh and I'm writing a book and will probably post some excerpts on here.