I guess it's been a while....

My nostalgia must be at an all time high. I'm listening to Beyoncé's first solo album. I think it came out in 2003, so tonight is full throwback mode. I"m trying to decide on what to do about blogging. I find myself sad that some of my favorite bloggers haven't updated in quite a while, though I'm deeply guilty of having completely and utterly fallen out of blogging, I have come back over the years to check on some of my faves to see how things have progress. I wish I could say an urge to write overcame me and brought me back to the blog, but that's not what happened. My uncle in California sent me some poetry today. The writing was good and made me consider to send him some back. I thought, it's been so long since I've written anything at all, where the heck would I find any of my stuff? Then it occurred to me that I had once posted a few things on my blog a while back and I should saunter over and look up something that may be halfway decent to send. Well, I started re-reading posts rather than look for the aforementioned poetry. It was painful of the embarrassing sort and comical in a self-deprecating way to re-read my life so long ago. That brought on the urge to try to log back into my blog. It took quite of bit of maneuvering and dredging up of ancient email accounts and passwords. But I eventually made it back in, though I guess that's somewhat obvious by the post, huh? I think it's weird that my first LGBT community was faceless and nameless. I met and connected to many of you through words alone, through my little digital distress signal being broadcast. It's my deep hope that you are all well and thriving. -E

Attention Surplus/Deficit Disorder

Though it is probably not clinically correct, that's what I feel like I have. There are times I can't focus to save my life. I was reading some iteration of one of the twilight novels in spanish and found it very hard to concentrate. Then I have periods where something interests me and I will search vehemently throughout the internet until I have satisfied my thirst for knowledge. There are a number of occasions when I have forgone sleep to research something I read on a blog or an article, or some book has grasped me to the point that I would rather read than sleep. The most power vehicle is undoubtedly YouTube. It is simultaneously one of my favorite online experiences and the greatest annoyance in my life. I consider that website the catalyst for the substantial amount, or more appropriately the lack of sleep I have suffered over the past 5 years.

iCan't Believe It

I am writing my very first entry from my iPhone. While I was preparing to post earlier I thought, surely there is an app for this; and true enough there in the App Store I found it. I had no idea that an hour later I would get the news that Steve Jobs had passed away. So it is fitting tribute that I write from here.

I find that I am no less moved by Steve's passion to make his dreams come true & augment our knowledge on what is possible than by the actual products he helped to create. All of our days are numbered, but we immortalize ourselves in the people that we touch, the places that we go, & the purposes that we work toward. His transformative touch changed the way we listen, read, & react to the world around us and there is no higher mark to press toward than that. Well done, Steve.


John Mayer - Stop This Train

Dating

I've decided its past time. I've noted before that I signed up for Adam4Adam. This was done with the express purpose of finding a date; but as I am wont to do I ended up being so immersed in work for the last 11 months that I had not gone on. Until last week. It had to be sheer horniness, or loneliness; I do not know which is more powerful, that forced me back onto the site. I uploaded a picture and went to work looking for a boyfriend.

I acutely understood that most of the active members were probably on for the express purpose of hooking up, and though I didn't have disimilar aims, I did want to actually meet people. I've gone to West Hollywood (gay central of Los Angeles on many occasions, but had yet to actually summon the nerve to talk to anyone besides the my friend(s) that I'd brought along. I saw online as a more passive way to meet and connect with people. The result: Saturday I went on my first date with a guy. Ever.

Re-read

Just re-read the draft to my 'moving to California post'. It is an interesting experience for me to get a true read on how I felt at certain intervals in my life. I find I have often...succumb to what I should do, think or say, instead of acting in accordance with how I truly feel. It was interesting to see an umblemished record of my life through my perspective and not a jaded recollection later down the line. I wonder if other bloggers get the same experience when rereading their own posts.

It is sad to see several of the bloggers who I have followed have stopped writing. I myself am no less guilty of the same crime; yet there are those who press on much to my delight.

Sneaking...

Sooo been trying to adjust to the west coast. I love it and have blogged a long explanation of my time off and what's been going on. It's still under construction as it's kind of lengthy. I have trying to keep up with everyone, though it's a bit difficult. Birthday next week. Who wants to go to Vegas?!

Vacation Over

Well, in my last post I said that my next post would be coming from Manhattan Beach. I came and left and had a great time in between. That was about four weeks ago; and yet this post is from California nonetheless. That is because I am now a resident of the state. Yeah, you read that correct. I loved the place so much that I moved there...here. I went back to my old life for a few weeks, wrapped my time there up and moved to Los Angeles.


At first, while I was toying with the idea of moving out west all the logistics of such a move seemed like a staggering task and though it was, I somehow managed it. Please excuse my momentary self satisfaction. I must admit to feeling quite accomplished for having pulled this off. The whole thing happened so quickly it was like I had never even left to go back and gather up my life in the first place.

I am at the moment being forced to help a relative [living on the other side of the country] with a presentation, so I'll have to explain exactly HOW a vacation, turned into a complete rearranging of my life a but later. Love reading what's been happening with you all.

LA LA Land

Ok. My computer broke (again), my boss/mentor quit, I got a flaming ass replacement boss, missed out on a new job opportunity, declined a promotion, and have been asked several times by my mother to move back home. But none of that matters right now because in 24 hours; this time tomorrow, I will be stepping off a jet at LAX and will inhale a lungful of California air. My Spring Break is a bit late but deserved IMHO.

In a list of necessary evils flying is very highly ranked for me. It bothers me more than I will admit to anyone. I drove to California seven years ago and will not attempt to do such again, so a plane is an essential discomfort that I will endure to get out West. I'll most likely be on my iPod touch d-_-b the entire flight.

Hopefully I'll be able to update with pics and such while I'm there. But there's no telling. I'm staying in a beach house for a week, with a Range Rover and Mercedes at my disposal. :-) and I get to see my little cousins whom I adore. My boss will coincidentally be there as well, so maybe I'll see him too before I return to Ga. So far it seems to be a promising trip. I get a whole week on the pacific. I wish I were in beach shape, but won't sweat it too much. I only go every three or four years, so I'll just enjoy the vacation. I have to get some sand too. I collect it from all the beaches I visit. I have a few bottles from different places in the US. So hopefully the next update I make will be from Manhattan Beach, California.

What Do I Say If They Ask If I'm Gay?!

Just re-read my "What's with All The Sudden Interest" post, and realized that I got some comments that I kind of left hanging in mid-air. So, I feel like a bit of a fool for not saying thank you to naturgesetez, goleftatthefork, A. Friend, Aron2631, AEK, and Bruce. My computer, job and housing situation all changed around those weeks, so I had been thrown off posting and hadn't really recovered since. Thank you for your kinds words and encouragement. If you all have posted and received comments on your respective blogs, I'm sure you know the feeling it brings when someone takes the time to read what you wrote and respond. I find myself a more confident adult in 2010. There is something that troubles me. Wanting very badly to be in a relationship has me edging toward becoming more open about my sexuality. My family is the real tricky part here. 6 months ago my mother asked me about marriage and my thoughts on children. At the time I panicked and thought she was fishing for answers. Answers to questions that made me think..."what do I say if they ask if I'm gay?" [I love how this rhymes! It was intentional.]


What I am going to say is simply the way that I am evaluating my current situation with my family by highlighting points made by those who commented and things from the conversation between my mother and myself. Please, please feel free to comment on, suggest, challenge, point out, add to, or discuss anything that follows.




@ naturgesetz: I can't tell them I like guys. There are so many reasons why I can't do it that it isn't even funny. I honestly haven't decided whether I'm marrying a woman or deciding to choose a man. In fact, I think it would be best to do some dating before I make any decision to talk to them about this. It could be that I choose to have a traditional family and kids. It is horrific to contemplate explaining to my family that I've had a change of heart and am getting married to a woman after telling them I like boys. Plus I feel like I just hit my stride with my parents. We've never had a strong relationship and now that I finally am getting somewhere, adding something like this to the equation has too great of a magnitude to measure. To me the consequences are too far reaching and potentially negative to measure.

@ goleftatthefork: My parents are very speculative people, which compounds the fact that I don't share anything about myself. I was a very private child. I was a private teenage; and six years after graduating and moving our I haven't changed much. My parents have no idea about what's going on in my life at any given time. Again, I'm not a parent so my lack of knowledge of how their brains work really hurts me here, but I know my parents talk about stuff like this. Their motivations and conclusions about the topic is really what concerns me. Do I think they know... no. Have they at some point had this conversation... probably yes.

@ A.Friend: Haha. My younger brother would be OK if I said that I loved a tree. He would think me a bit weird if I did, but we wouldn't change much except for the fact that he would probably have something extra to tease me about [which is what we do to each other]. My oldest sister would want to talk about it and try to be understanding and make herself very available. It's my older brother and my sister [the bloody gay one] close to me that I'm unsure about.

@ aron: I actually thought you were spot on. I figured my sister has the strongest suspicion. Being gay, I guess she can spot the 'signs' if there are any that I've missed [gotta ask Jake if I exhibit any signs, now that I think about it]. LoL. I'm brave. I'll face the fear for now.

Aek: Whew. Thank God, my father hasn't asked me anything. He has no shame with questions. He will just straight up ask anything that occurs to him. Which is part of the reason I think he doesn't know. Either it hasn't occurred to him or he is afraid of the answer.

@ Bruce: The closest is very comfortable right now. LOL! I think I prejudiced the post about conversation between my mom and me with my paranoia. I think I made it seem as though she was reaching out for me. Now, months later it seems as though she was just interested in general about me. I mean I am very much a mystery to my parents. Outside of music, basketball, and my favorite color they know very little about me.

@ DBC: I have and will continue to think on what you've shared. Thanks!


There is nothing about my immediate demeanor or actions that would suggest that I am homosexual or [as I am in reality] bisexual. There is simply no evidence. How would they know? :( For those that think they do know, please tell me what are some determining factors in discerning how to spot someone who is gay.

Invention is to Necessity as Horniness is to......

... Signing up for a gay social network. Yep, that's right I did it. Adam4Adam. I was so scared, because I didn't know how deep the ramifications could resound. It took me 10 minutes to hit the create account button. Most daring thing I've done in the past few months, I mean I didn't post any pictures, or give any semblance of my real name, or describe myself in any distinguishable detail, so I can't honestly say there was any danger in opening a profile. I managed to convince myself that this was simply a soft check into the site; a way to peek and see if gay guys were as cookie cutter as they appear in pop culture, or if we are as varied as I hoped. Um, it was interesting. I was glad to see not everyone tried to dress up like Lady Gaga, and there were guys who were had similar outlooks for partners that I did, like the guy that posted this:

college grad. still needing a brother

24, 5'11", 195lb, 32w, Muscular, Brown Hair, Some Body Hair, White, Looking for Friendship, 1-on-1 Sex.

just moved to Columbus from Athens. Graduated UGA 08. Served two years in Military as an MP. Discreet. Have own place. Like guys around my age (younger/older). You must be goodlooking. Like dark skin guys. No fems or flames.

hanging with friends. all straight i guess. just needing a bud once a week or so to screw.

Military, Out No, Smoke No, Drink Occasionally, Drugs No, Zodiac Leo.

Top, 8" Cut, Safe Sex Only, HIV Negative, Prefer meeting at: My Place.


Made me laugh, but I feel very much the same.... except maybe about the screw once a week. We'd have to kick that up to three times a week for the first few weeks. I'm not sure whether it's coincidental or maybe it's the result of a conversation I had with Jake earlier that made me sign up for the site. I've known about it for a while. David is on there and often visits. I tease him about being on porn whenever I peek into his room and see him on :}

Anyway, Jake and I have been texting not so much conversations as damn novels recently. After our small strip tease a week back and me asking probing questions about oral and anal sex frequently, tonight I chose to ask what he preference as far as type of men. Turns out we both covet smiles. Teeth are an important asset, especially to me as they are a useful tool for disarming people. Apparently when I meet people for the first time I looking mean, so I tend to smile to assure them that I am friendly and approachable... but I digress. I decided not long ago that Jake was as trustworthy a person as I know, and that I would have a raging hard-on forever if I don't get some insight in this new world.

So, we talked about our individual types were. Jake said he like them funny, sweet, sexy and flirty, and I confessed about my thing for jocks, whew. Love 'em. Short hair, nice chest, good smile, what more do I need..... my pants just got a little tight... got to readjust... and there we go... I told Jake that I need someone who can fight, that way we can wrestle each other's clothes off ;> and if we get into a tight spot at the club [or anywhere for that matter] he has to be able to "throw the hands" [my kid brothers term for fight], so I know he has my back. Must love Disney; that requires no explanation. We LOL and compared and contrasted. It was helpful. Made me very conscious later on what to look for while browsing Adam4Adam.


The site also made me wonder how many guys are walking around like me. Are there other people horny and frustrated and looking for a guy, but not quite willing to put it all out there? I asked Jake a few weeks ago what are the signs if a dude is interested. He said, "Same way with girls. They flirt. Excessive talking. You can just tell. They come around you for dumb reasons. Things like that. Same as normal." Now, to me this made sense. If I see a guy that's attractive, or a girl, I tend to try to find questions to ask, reasons to stand close to or look at them, etc. If they work at the place where I spot them all the better. Make's getting and retaining their attention easier. However, there is a stark difference between flirting and walking away with someone's phone number. I think my lack of interaction with gay guys really hurts me here, because I have no idea what the "code" or special way of recognizing each other is, or if we even have one. And if not, do the rules that Jake is talking about still apply for a guy trying to get another guy's attention.

***So this is an call to all man-whores, committed guys, headhunters and glory-hole gods. How do you pull guys?! How is it done?*** please feel free to explain in a comment on this post or make your own post breaking down your technique and hyperlink it.

How Low Can You Go?

OK...had some fun in the great indoors tonite. Jake, a cute guy from work and I struck up a friendly conversation via text message today. Now, I am notoriously poor at returning texts. It's not intentional, I just get immersed into whatever I'm doing and texting slips my mind. Apparently the same goes for phone calls.

Well, Jake and I started at about 2pm yesterday. We joked a bit about various topics. We eventually got to my homosexual experiences, if such a laughable record could be called experience. He told me that I could ask anything I wanted to know about. So I asked. The conversation turned out to be enlightening. We discussed everything from bottoming, oral sex, identifying and responding to flirting, and a few things in between. In the midst of the conversation we drifted to why he doesn't top. He said because he's too large and it hurts people. Naturally my mind spun with the possibilities, and naturally not having a bevy of experience with dick, I wanted to see his. So, for about three hours we teased each other about one sending a picture to the other. I initially decided to go safe, and took a pic of my lower body, with my hand grabbing my junk. He countered with a picture of his lower abs.

I have mentioned that I am an "in the moment" guy. The less time to think I have, the more "fun" I am according to sources. I got swept up in the moment and finally I acquiesced, praying that this would not come back to haunt me, went to the bathroom, snapped some shots in the mirror. I started with some pubeage [sic] and just a peek of shaft and then took four more progressively lower pictures, each showing more than the previous.

In my mind I tried to think of all the ways that this could spin out of control and take a giant bite out of my rear. A few minutes later I receive a picture from Jake similar to mine. For the time, being "in the moment" was paying off. I decided that I like this game; enough in fact, to raise the stakes. I message a little dare about upping the ante and sent a second picture. Though I am a shy person, and I detest that I let my physique fall into disrepair, curiosity and my tendency to be bold "in the moment" pushed me. I had to wait a little longer, but sure enough was more of Jake's dong. ***Since it has been so long since I posted, Jake would be cute, out gay guy that works with me. Everyone loves him. Cool dude.***

Being horny, and having the breadth of my same sex experience happen at a club nearly a year ago, I was hype. My pictures came out decent. I was actually laughing because it looked like I had plenty of dick. DOES NOT seem that way in person, but I guess I should ask someone to look around there and give me there opinion ;).but back to the story....2am... Low wasn't low enough. I sent my third picture. I guess I was all in, but I still couldn't reveal the full monty just yet. The fourth picture was me in all my humble glory, but I needed to know if he would go for it. I had ran out of penis at that point anyway.

My hopes were dashed however. I did not receive a third picture from him. He fell ASLEEP!!!!! To be fair he had driven a few hundred miles on a road trip for the weekend and it was nearly 4am at this point. I vow compensatory actions, but let him sleep. I'm gonna ask to touch it or something freaky....damn I just planned ahead. Whatever I ask for, I won't plan it. I'll wait and play it by ear, see what I come up with...any suggestions?

Also, I asked Jake how to approach and/or tell if a guy is interested. He gave me some very concrete tips. If there is something that any veterans or just plain lucky mofos want to add, I welcome it.

Kinda just bored

Hi all. I know its been over two months since I posted, I've kinda just been bored and lazy and not logged on, mostly cause nothing of note has been happening since my birthday. I have been trying to stay abreast of the life and happenings of the blogs I follow. Hopefully in a few weeks I start back.. Keep posting as I enjoy hearing your triumphs and empathize with your failures.

Johnny and Tiffany on the spot

I actually have quite a bit to blog about, so there should be a few posts during this week. I turned 23 on Monday, and my best friend threw me a massive birthday party!

Today however, is dedicated to seeking advice and telling an interesting story:

At around 8:30pm today I met a boy. I was walking out of our local Best Buy with Tiffany (my BFF). She had just bought The Wolverine DVD. Well, on the way out the door I spot this tall, tan, hispanic guy. I clearly know the guy is hot right off the bat, but walking up to a random guy and hitting on him is out of the question. Instead I point him out to Tiffany and suggest that she approach him, give her a small push in his direction and flee the scene. She punks out and completely passes him by. I could not let her off the hook. She's a very pretty girl, but i know first impressions aren't really her strength.

So (with my little brother talking to me in my bluetooth headset) I bust a U-turn, stroll back into Best Buy, and find the guy. He looks up and I see in his eyes that he recognizes me from outside. So, I walk up to him and asks if he has a sister. He tells me yeah, but she back home in Texas. At this point I have to backpedal a bit. My bait didn't work because there is NO way I would put him and a sister that lives 1000 miles away together. So, that little lie to strike up a conversation was out and so I decide to roll with the truth. I tell him that my friend saw him outside and thought he looked cute, but was too shy to talk to him. I'm conflicted now, because I want to tell him that I think he's cute too, but I was too cognizant of my brother on the phone, Tiff waiting outside, and all of the last minute shoppers and staff at Best Buy to say those words. Instead I play it cool, shrug and walk away. My heart was beating so fast. I had just called a man cute without anyone, including myself for a few moments realizing.

He calls out to me. I wanted to hang up the phone and drag him to the bathroom. Instead I half turn and lift an eyebrow. He tells me that he just needed some batteries and he'd be out in a bit. I nod my head non-commitally and walk out the door. I convince Tiffany to wait for him as we chill in the parking lot. I didn't get in the car so that I could remove myself once he came out so that the two of them could talk alone. I try to coach her a bit as we wait. She's not the confident type, but I can't let her blow this for either of us.

He comes out of the store and nearly misses us. I was leaning in the car window giving tips and when I saw him I stood straight and waved. He came right over. I was going to let Tiffany bag him now that I had cornered him, but she wasn't even able to speak. So, I again stepped in and introduced her leaving a blank space open for him to give his name. "Johnny", he tells us. I rolled the name over my tongue, wishing I could someday moan it while naked. Since he is dressed in athletically I ask if he plays anything. A pure ploy to find out how sexy face got sexy body. He replies Basketball and football. He is instantly in. Both Tiffany and I love basketball; it was one of the first things we bonded over, and I can tell her interests perks even more. He has a great build, so I ask if he's military (which isn't uncommon as there is an army base close). I asked how long he's been in the city (as Tiffany has not taken over the convo yet *sigh*). He tells us one year. I prob for friends, hangouts, and hobbies. Then I ask for his phone number. I suggest that he and Tiff exchange info and at this moment she finds her tongue, but I am already in lust, but being a good friend I take a stroll.

I watch from afar, my brother following what he can while on the phone. When I see Johnny stand up straight and move from the window I return quickly. I realized that I hadn't introduced myself to sex on two legs yet (which he shall henceforth be known as. JK. But no really. He's smoking hot). I walk up and he turns to me. I shake his hand. I thought for moment he was going to go for a hug, but nothing happens :-(. I tell him we'll call him and he goes for his car.

I quickly copy his phone number from Tiff's phone to mine. There was no way I was going to give her the chance to lose it. We talk about him on the way to her apt and end up putting the movie on hold trying to decide our next move. I try to express interest for her to start a dialogue, thinking the entire time about what lengths I would go through to see him again. One of my roommates and I play basketball twice a week. I think I'm going to invite him the next time we go out.

That's all for now. My computer has been giving me trouble for weeks, and I had to type this post on my ipod touch. Sorry for any typos, but I had to get this one down in the record books. Thoughts?

Lean and Reach

Work went pretty quick this morning. I feel a little guilty though. I played a bit of a peeping tom today.

I adding a fixture for some extra stuff that came into the store this morning. It required me to get on a ladder and set it up. While gathering the materials that I needed, I noticed that the new guy (oh his name is Allen) had the same shirts. I told him that I was putting them up and he could put his set with mine.

He came over to me and I asked him to get on the ladder because I changed my mind about how it should be set up, so I stood under him as I guided him as to how I wanted it. My new set-up required him to lean over and reach. This resulted in me being able to see right up his shirt. I admit without shame that I exerted my best efforts to keep him on that ladder for as long as possible.

In other unrelated news, My 23rd birthday is swiftly approaching. I'm feeling quarter-life crisis is coming with it, so I must do my best to feel accomplished within 4 weeks.

Not Much Going On

My life is really boring right now. Kinda just work and home. I did have to buy a new phone on Thursday. My phone decided that it was going to do what it wanted despite my objections. So, I ended up spending $300 on a new blackberry. The good thing is that I get a mail in rebate, so I get some $$ back.

I do have to work more on my 'I don't care face'. We have a new guy at work and trying to be friendly I started light conversation. This ended up being the a recap to the last five years of his life! Like personal information that should be withheld until you know someone much better. I was sad to learn that he had a girlfriend. I figured he would, cause he's moderately good-looking but that doesn't stop me from imagining him in my shower haha. He had to reach high for something last week and his shirt came up a little, FIT!

What's With The Sudden Interest?

I decided to visit my family for the fourth of July weekend. At first I thought to work because I wanted the extra money, but then reasoned that I hadn't been home in a while and missed the people with whom I share genetic sequences.

I didn't tell my little brother because I love just showing up. He was at the basketball court and my mom and I went to pick him up. He thought I was our father at first. I laughed and enjoyed the fact that he was surprised and happy that I was home. He is starting to look more like an adult which is disturbing to me.

Though the primary people that I wanted to see were my niece and brother, I actually ended up spending most of my time with my mom. I'm the middle child and have felt kinda swept under the rug, but over the last year my mom and I have grown closer. I've moved into the dependable child role, this being justified from the evidence that the moment I walked in my mom counted off a list of things she needed done for the house. I was during one of these projects [me re-doing a window treatment] that the conversation somehow steered to relationships. We were talking about people we know having children, and marriage, etc, and my mother asks "What about you?" I damn near fell of the step-ladder I was using.

I didn't know why she thought to ask me this at first, but it dawned on me that I'm the only of her children that is never visibly in a relationship. My oldest brother brought his ex-fiancee to visit four years ago, had a child last year and may be expecting another in the late winter. My sister has brought several female "friends" over the house [she is lesbian]; and though my baby brother has just ended his first serious relationship with a girl, he has introduced us to his lasts few girlfriends, and he's still in high school. I have not so much as mentioned that there was someone in my life.

I do not know what goes on in the mind of a parent, but I'm afraid. Here is their handsome [all parents think this of their kids] son, who is smart, with no girlfriend to speak of. There has not even been mention of a girl, even in passing, in at least ten years. I know my parents. They are nosy and tend to speculate when we [their children] are not around. I'm sure they have begun to wonder and its likely that at least one has brought up the conversation to the other. The conversation I dreaded them having. The conversation that I knew would come up eventually. The one that I hoped would not be brought up before I was 30.

"You want children" She asked when I said nothing. I understood that I either had to come out OR craft my answer very carefully. Since I'm a freaking scaried-cat I went with diplomatic answer. I told her that I take being a parent very seriously and I might not have children as I enjoy being an uncle, but could possibly change my mind. "What kind of girl do you like? White girl, black girl?" That's what she asked next. I could have died. Straight dropped dead and it would have been medically feasible. My death certificate would have read died from nosy mother and possibly shock. I decided that, whether intentional or not, she set the sword up and I did not have to fall on it. So, I took a deep breath and told her the truth. "I always figured that I would marry someone a few years younger than me, but ethnicity isn't important. I'm more concerned about what's between their ears." Good Dodge, E!!!

That seemed to satiate her, but as I was typing this I had a little back and forth with my brother. I told him that our mother had asked me a personal question. He, with no prompting, asked if it was whether I was homosexual or not. Now, I know my brother. The fact that he used homosexual made me think that he was trying to use a word that would be non offensive, if by chance I was attempting to come out to him. That's great, it means that some of me has rubbed off on him but it also means that the thought has run through his mind as well. He told me that he would have asked me if he thought I was gay, and that he has gay friends and I don't fit the mold. He did confess that my sister [the one right above me {the gay one (the one that could just ask me if she was curious!)}] had been asked by my mother if I was straight or not. When I asked him about further details he said it was a time ago and that he could not remember the rest of what he overheard.

Note: This will only cause me to retreat farther into solitude. Not only will I now continue to NOT discuss my dating life. I will not discuss anything in relation to what I deem resembles a question that delves into the realm of touching something that pertains to or could breach the subject of my personal life. Thoughts?

Today The Music Died

The King is Dead......

Awkward.....

My life is still moving at a lightning fast pace with.....challenges each day, but I'm handling it pretty well if I can toot my own horn. The only problem is that I've been tooting my own horn for months now. I want to toot someone else's. Or at least let them toot mine ':) actually someone did want my horn; and still disturbs me to think about it.

It started at work. I was exploring the building that I work at, it being massive and all, and I saw a familiar face. I tried to ignore him, but he was going the same way I was and soon fell in step with me. I saw realization dawn on him as recognized my face. I swore mentally because I realized that he had been shopping at my other job recently. That is when he asked me if I worked there. I confirmed that I did and we introduced ourselves. That very night he showed up at my other job. Luckily we were closing and I had locked the doors already. He yelled his name through the glass and told me to email him at our mutual workplace. I agreed. This was Monday.

Needeless to say I did not email him. On Wednesday he saw me in the hallway and admonished me for not emailing him. Now, I was busy trying to learn how to do my job, I didn't have the damn time to email him. I told some lie and he let it go. He did however ask me for my name. I gave it and when I got back to my desk there sat an email in my inbox from him.

I decided to be mannerful and email him back. Apparently he took that as showing interest and he sent me his cell phone number. I was taken back. He then asked for mine. I immediately saw the stupidity of his approach and would not allow myself to commit the same dumb mistake. I also didn't want my mobile number flying around this building. So, I texted him instead, daring to hope that I was wrong about the feeling in my stomach. We messages back and forth and he ended up inviting me out. I, of course thought that he meant a multi-person function. After consulting with David I came to the realization that he wanted to go on a date.

I couldn't believe it. I was trying hard not to panic as I got on the bus to head to the other job. I was snapped out of shock by my cell phone ringing. My "corporate" job's ID popped up on the screen. I thought that my trainer was calling me. It was him trying to confirm whether I would be attending a get together at his house tonight. I told him that I had to work and couldn't promise that I'd make it. I was quietly flipping out as I dialed David and gave him the rundown.

As I rode I prayed that this fool wouldn't be bold enough to show up to my job. He didn't but I did receive another text asking if I minded if it was just me and him tonight. If not for several people being in close proximity I would have strung together a colorful group of cuss words.

Right before I go to work I called Tiffany and we talked about it briefly. She was as shocked as I was. She doesn't know that I actually am interested in guys, but I draw the line at 35+ year old stalkers who prey on new staff.

I took a while before I replied. When I did I told h that I had already invited my girlfriend to the movie night and couldn't blow her off now. He texted back that he thought I was single. I did not reply.
The chance of me seeing dude again are terribly high. Any suggestions on how to not make this awkward? I mean I want a boyfriend, but I have heard how badly people get talked about in this building. I definitely don't want my name in that mix.

4 weeks of Madness

I hope this short update doesn't turn into some long rant. I'm writing this on my iPod touch, which I still have not been able to put down. For those who have checked in on me from time to time, I just want to thank you. I have been continuing to read everyone's blogs, despite not commenting as frequently. My job(s) has been kicking my rear for the last 4 weeks. We are nearing the completion of training and I'm not performing at level that I'm happy with.

In other news, I saw Star Trek the night it came out and must reiterate the superlatives that it has earned. Good movie. Oh! Speaking of movies, Aek reminded me of somethig when he posted about the gay gene. While watching the previews for Angels & Demons, I saw the trailer for the new Cameron Diaz movie: My Sister's Keeper. I think this is the 1. If you've read my 10 things about me, then you know that I'm not very emotional. I often heard about ppl crying b/c of a sad movie, then I see it and it really isn't that sad to me. Well ppl were straight crying after watching just the trailer. My eyes were watery and stuff after seeing it. I couldn't believe it. But the movie is gonna be the 1 that just breaks me down. I know it sounds pathetic, but I rarely make an emotional investment in the characters; then I find it hard to empathize when tragedy strikes. The kids in this movie act their asses off. I don't think anyone who sees it will leave unaffected by the performance (based on what i've seen.)

Other than that it's kinda been work, work some more, eat in between, then try to salvage some sleep.

I love Apple

Just got an iPod touch last weekend and I already can't live without it, and it only compounds my desire to get an iphone. I like my blackberry, but I downloaded some very helpful apps today that just completely won me over. I'm probably gonna give my touch to my baby brother and buy an iPhone and a 32GB touch this summer.

I'm too busy to have anything else exciting to report. Only that I will be moving two times very shortly. Once into my old roommates apartment, then again when we find a house. Hopefully the house comes soon after. We saw a few we liked a lot, and though the process remains more less than difficult than I expected but more that I hoped it would be, I retain hope that come early May I'll be settled for a while.

Other than that I've been working with no end in sight. So much so, in fact, that I feel diminished at other things. And it's funny cause the people that know me well are looking like "E, are you slipping?". I keep thinking "Well, you work 70 hours a week, juggle finding a house, a car, clearing up your credit, and finding a way to fit summer school into your schedule, THEN tell me how long you perform at a peek level."

Enough ranting. Gotta shower and try to get the most from 5 hours of sleep.