Unable to cope with complete homosexuality...

A small post before I go to the gym. I've been at work since 9am. Just left and 9:30..PM....I love money, I love money, I love money.

Ok. I got a little frustrated. I mentioned my gay coworker before...well there are three of them, but the one that I interact with most. His name is Jake. We talked for a bit today. We usually take turns sharing stories and asking questions. Today he asked me what I consider myself. He has asked me this before by text message one night. I told him African-American, 6'1", 220lbs. He laughed, but I knew what he meant. He wanted me to describe what was my specific orientation.

Today he asked the same question. I told him that I wasn't sure what I classified myself as. If I see someone attractive, irrespective of gender, then I think they are attractive. Why is that not answer enough?! Of course, he says that I have to like one sex better than the other. I told him that's its about 50/50, but I could see he wasn't satisfied with that answer.

This why I kept this whole thing to myself in the first place!!!!! I didn't want someone to do exactly what he intended to, which is try to force me to choose between girls and boys. And it feels like to me that the question is a trap anyway. If I say I like girls more, then he will just assume that liking boys is just experimental college phase that I will eventually dump in favor of being straight; and if I say I like boys more then the assumption is that I'm really gay but hanging on to the thought of liking girls because I am unable to cope with complete homosexuality.

I despise this question and from here forth refuse to answer it unless I feel like it is a genuine question with no hidden attempt to categorize me.

"Song"
I'm still in my Vegas Skies moment as I love the song and will be buying it from iTunes shortly. But if I had to select a song, then I would chose.... Million Ways by J. Rice. He's an excellent vocalist. My favorite song by him is One More Day, absolutely amazing lyrics. I guess that's enough of me gushing over music. If this is just an terrible part of my posts that you guys ignore just say so and I'll stop the song of the day. But I kinda enjoy doing it. I guess I'll post a poll!!!!!!!!!!

Not really doing anything

The last few days have been predictably boring. Tiffany and I aren't speaking to one another, but I knew that was going to happen Saturday night. However, we've never gone longer than 2 or 3 days like this. We work at the same store and we completely ignored each other Tuesday morning. It's going to be very interesting which one of us cracks first and is forced to speak to the other. I'm too stubborn break the silence.

In better news I saw this cuuuuuute guy yesterday. I had left the store to go each lunch and was walking, minding my own business. I passed a shoe store close to mine and through the window I saw this guy in a green shirt. I went into the store just to see what he looked like. He was freakin' hot. I asked some girl associate whether they had size 13 in the store, she nodded so I pretended to look at some of the shoes on the wall. I think the three female associates were checking me out. I was thinking 'maybe a year ago you had a chance...' I was focused on seeing the hottie close up. I turned to walk closer to get a better look at him and when I turned there he was walking towards me. I kinda froze [which I never do]. We looked each other up and down. I didn't know what to do, so I kind of just left. I wish I was still wearing my name tag so he knew my name and what store to find me at, but I took the damn thing off as I was leaving so no customers would talk to me. And I forgot to smile [if you are reading this Razz]. ARGH! I will be going back in there tomorrow. Today is my first day off in a bit and I've been slaving for the last three days so I'm going to enjoy it.

I don't have anything else planned. I gotta go work out. April is swiftly approaching and I have plans to go somewhere with sand and waves.

I'll just go with his.

Kinda a boring week so far. Not boring in the sense that nothing's happened at all, but boring cause NONE of the things that I was planning came into fruition. I guess it would be more appropriate to call it the week of frustration.

I was going to buy a car from a good friend and she completely disappeared off the face of the planet last Sunday and I haven't heard from her since, so now I am still stuck with no car. Then the leasing director of my apartment complex and I not are seeing eye to eye over an issue stemming from October and I received a very official looking letter today, so I have to go in tomorrow and see what damage I can quell before this gets out of hand. I have to find a second job so that I can save up the extra money for my spring break vacation. I have been planning to go away in April so that I can enjoy my spring break. I was in line for a promotion at my job, but they are taking their time in announcing the recipient of the position.

Now, let say here that I am not an impatient person, I'm just not tolerant. Please allow me to differentiate between the two, because there IS a difference. I'm very, very patient. If there is a finite time span that I must endure, then I am prepared to wait the appropriate length. I can wait and wait, because I know that there is an end, eventually. I, however, am not tolerant. I dislike being strung along indefinitely. That is what this promotion crap feels like. I have done the work, I've put in the time, and though it might sound like I'm complaining, I am tired of getting a pat on the back! That shit can't pay my bills. T-mobile would laugh if I gave them a thumbs up. They want effin' cash. It does not assuage my feelings that I do more than my share of work with little, to no reward. HAHA, now I've gone into a rant.

So, as I tell my friends, "It's not the stress that gets you. It is the stress compounded upon stress compounded upon stress that does it. Tomorrow I have the day off. I am going to try to resolve most of my frustrations. I'll go to my leasing office to speak with them, talk to my boss about what they are [realistically] looking for from the person that is going to fill the open position, and call this chick once more about this whip. If any of this doesn't turn out like I mapped it out in my head then I am just going to trust that God has a plan for me that is a bit different from the one I had; then I'll just go with his.

Song
That's What You Get by Paramore

P.S. The snippet of prologue is back up for the guys who haven't read it, and those who have too. I'm working on the excerpt that I'm thinking has the best chance to be posted. Thank you guys for voting! It really means a lot to me. Please feel free to post your comments about it. You can read it here

I'm sworn to secrecy

*This should have been posted a while ago, but I just left it in my drafts...


12/22/2008
For the first time in a while I cooked last night. My best friend Tiffany had been talking for weeks about cooking and we never quite got to it. I'm a pretty good cook and we've made stuff before with great success, so finally we went to the store and gathered what we needed to make dinner. Usually she handles the desert and I cook the main dishes. This time we decided to do a little of both. I made a stir-fry chicken and fettucine. Tiff made some mashed potatoes and peach cobbler. I made a secret family dessert and it was a hit. Her boyfriend keeps asking me how to make and I feel bad cause I'm sworn to secrecy.

Present
So, we cooked again last night. I made something quick before I had to go to work, but it was pretty tasty. I always get excited about cooking. I used to do it all the time for my little brother after our older siblings moved out and our parents started working later in the day.

*Update on the book. I will be posting a new excerpt in the next few days. I got some new readers on the blog so I'm kinda excited about that and I think that it would be cool for them to get to read a bit and tell me what they think. I'm going to try to create a poll to vote on whether I should put the prologue back up. So, the people who read can let me know whether it should be re-posted for a bit. Typing about this gets me excited and nervous.

I'll also be explaining soon how I came up with my blog's title and how it all started


Song
"T.O.N.Y." by Solange

Damn

I'm not sure what I should have done, but this is the scene: I'm at work. I see boy. Boy cute. I engage boy. Boy asks me where the restrooms are. I [personally] show boy restrooms. Now it turns out that the restrooms are locked from the inside, so I go and get the key to let him in. I open the door and he goes inside and looks back at me. I let the door swing shut. Boy does not lock door.

Now, I thought this could be the very opportunity I've been longing for. I just made up my mind to bust into the door and my boss calls my name! He asks me to come with him to the other side of the store. Usually I am very, very good at concealing my emotions, but I guess that I made a face because he asked me what was wrong. I quickly tried to play it off and followed him, but I knew I was barely containing my frustration. I tried to catch the hottie after my boss went away but he and his father were paying for their purchases and leaving :(

I am must take this time to mention that there are now 2 people that know that I like guys. I decided to tell Jake, the guy that I work with; he's also gay. I asked him about the encounter and he said that it depended on the signs, but after I told him he made one of those 'you f*cked up faces'. WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Song
"The Brady Bunch" by Jamie Foxx

What's wrong with me?

So, I've got it bad. Ever since I've began to come to grips with actually liking guys and wanting to date them I have begun to suspect every good looking guy might be gay. I don't know what is the norm with self-revelatory experiences, but {and please keep in mind that I'm lonely} I keep meeting guys and dying to know whether they are gay or being nice. I'm not sure where this is stemming from, but I keep checking ring fingers, mannerisms, length of eye contact and who they are with to see if there is the potential that the individual might be into guys.
For example, I was at work today. I was folding a table of shirts that had been massacred. A guy had come up to my table and we started a casual conversation. After several laughs I look down and see a ring on his finger. I was hoping that he just arbitrarily wore a ring on his left hand-fourth finger; then his damn wife rolls up. This made me upset. I wanted to say "bitch, do you not see us talking! I know you got more shopping to do."
This is why next week I am going to a gay club. I was waiting until a friend of mine could find the time to take me, but I don't have the tolerance to wait any longer. I have to meet someone before I shrivel and die. I suspect that I am close to getting a girlfriend and that actually makes me sorta mad. There is this girl named Jillian and she's alright, but really not what I'm looking for at the current moment.

Thought of the Day
Isn't flirting a way of making your intentions obvious?

Song
"Meant to Live" by Switchfoot

So, I know I'm posting less and less, but that's not because I'm not on. I'm still commenting and reading some very good stuff. I simply find that I have less and less to say as my life spirals into the obscurity of complete and utter boredom.

I do have one story. It's not terribly funny, its kinda rude I guess. There is this gay guy at my job, cool dude. I sent him a text message while he was out of town and told him that I had something important to tell him. It was my plan to come out to him. I don't know why him. I guess it would be easier cause he's gay, but I don't know whether he has a big mouth or not. Well, today as I was getting ready to leave I started thinking whether or not it hurts to take it up the rear. Having never done it, nor attempted to place anything up my rear for that matter, I was in my opinion understandibly curious. So, I asked him. He avoided me for a few minutes, but then said that it depends on who you are. So, THEN I asked what he meant by "who you are"? Was that supposed to mean if you're swinging a bat then you can hurt somebody? Our conversation was interrupted by a female associate and he took the chance to disappear.

Thought for the Day
"What kind of different things can you fit in an asshole? [no confessions necessary]

Song
Without [interlude] & Can U Help Me by Usher

Halloween!!!!!!!!!!

So, I've been at work alot. Most ppl complain about it, but I kinda love money, so I just keep my mind on payday as I smile and pretend to be happy for the customers that come into the store. I am anxious cause next week I'm expecting lots of things to go on. I'm co-hosting a Halloween party next Friday, so I'm excited abt that. It'll be my first time hosting. I also plan to go out to a gay club with an old friend on the following night. He's currently the only person that knows that I like to double dip :) That'll be another first for me, so I'm kinda excited/scared cause I really don't know what to expect (or who I'll see).

I received some really encouraging responses abt my poem. I'm really surprised that ppl liked it. Its funny cause I've lived in South Florida for most of my life and I love the beach, but there was something about the Pacific that just did it for me. I was a sophomore in college at the time and I was having a career crisis. My father was pushing me one way, and I didn't feel like I had a choice. The good thing is now I know better. There is always a choice, it's just that some are harder to make than others.


"Today's Thought"
How do you get a guy to notice that you are noticing him, without others noticing?

Song
Trey McLaughlin "On Calvary" on youtube

~E