I am seeing things that I haven't seen in a while. Namely muscle groups that I had allowed to wan into nothingness. My dedication is actually paying off. That's great cause it gives me more motivation.
In other news...I went BACK to the gay club last night! But I'm relatively sure no one saw me. That's because I didn't go in. David, Curtis and I decided to travel back to the club last night. David got to the doors first. I saw him open them walk in and come back out. My first thought was 'Oh no, he forgot something.' But he shook his head and informed us that no one was inside. I thought that was impossible, the club had been open scarcely a month. But when I peeked my head inside I saw that he had not been embellishing. There were about 15 people inside the building. It was laughable.
So, we drove around trying to think of other places that we could go, but at that point I think we all knew that we'd be going home. After driving for a bit we found ourselves back in front of the gay club. I was elected to scope out the scene to see if maybe some people had arrived. So as I peeked in the door I had to control a fit of laughter bubbling up. I jumped back in the car and informed the guys that were even less people in there now, then when we looked the first time. That officially ended our night.
On a music tip, cause I'm obsessed with music, I have discovered The Cab. The lead vocalist is quite talented. He's sounds a bit like Gavin Degraw and the lead singer from Coheed and Cambria. I spent most of last night listening to their debut album. They have lots of potential. I really like their song Vegas Skies
Showing posts with label David. Show all posts
Showing posts with label David. Show all posts
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
The punch that you never see coming, that's the hardest one.
I was blind-sided today. I am rarely taken off guard. I like to know what's coming. It gives me longer to prepare my story, practice in the mirror, ready my alibi. There was no such preparation tonight, little forethought, and shock in amounts more ample that I care for. Let me explain.
I just stepped out of my bestfriend's car 5 minutes ago. We had our usual conversation that covered most of the events of the past week. I see her less and less, so there is much for us to discuss when we do see each other. We wove our way through the conversation and ended up in the rumors section. I made a reference about having fun at a club last Saturday and I sprung a trap. During a few seconds of contemplative silence she informed me that there was a rumor about me.
I would like to say "my stomach dropped" or that my "blood ran cold" but the truth is that it didn't. I was calm and collected. I maintain that my business is my business with people who aren't in my close circle, but realistically I expected that eventually someone would start something circulating about me. Tonight I wasn't disappointed.
Tiffany informed my that there was a rumor that I was seen out at a gay club last Saturday. Someone we know, a reasonably friendly associate of ours, said that they saw me, a short guy, and some shirtless guy hanging out together. I was struck dumb. I was dumber than dumb. I was Helen Keller.
I had spent a week fretting over whether Camille would blab about seeing me, and one of my own associates straight up was telling people. *Backstory* The girl was in love with my bestfriend's boyfriend's cousin [the one whose house we went to for new years]. She and I have a shared love of music, and she is very chill. She declared at the restaurant that we went to last Friday that she was going to become a lesbian because her feelings for the cousin were unrequited. I lauded the intrepidity of her decision. Her name is Lyn.
I, after recovering, laughed at the story. It hurt me to lie so blatantly. Ok, that's not true. It came to me naturally. I felt bad lying to my bestfriend, but the denial and a cover-up story spilled from my lips before I could debate whether or not to tell the truth. There were holes in the story and I quickly poked at them to make them bigger. Tiffany deemed that the rumor wasn't true because of the part about the shirtless guy. She didn't know anyone that I hang out with that seemed to fit the description. The truth was that they mistook Ben for a friend, instead of recognizing the reality of the situation. I was a little whore that night and I never really met the guy myself, but was flirting and making-out. I believe that Lyn might have seen that part and reported such, but Tiffany omitted it from the story out of deference for my perceived heterosexuality.
Other than that the story was dead on. Apart of it made me wonder whether Tiffany had found my blog or not. I had already hinted for her to look on google's list of blogs. Could she really have found it? That possibility and an extra memory popped into my head. Earlier when I was in the club I heard someone call my name. Have you had the feeling that someone, like your mother, has called you when in reality you had only imagined it? I had that sensation, but dismissed it. I figured that I was just worried because it was my first night out.
Now, I am in a very interesting predicament. I had my mind sort of made up to ask David to go back to the club with me, but I can't go now. Tiff told me that the cousin and her boyfriend hadn't believe the story either. She paused noticeably to give me a chance to confess. I think it is reasonable to assume that I continued to play my role. I came up with the lie that there was only one gay club in or city and I had never been there before. And since Lyn was drunk when she "saw" me that added to the doubt factor and my story was accepted. What is funny is that Lyn came into the store last night. We spoke briefly and she shopped a bit. She didn't even mention the club. I find that strange in retrospect.
I also think I might have not played my role as well as I could have. Like I said, usually I have time. Tiffany might have begun to suspect something. Now, I gott bring home a girl......
I just stepped out of my bestfriend's car 5 minutes ago. We had our usual conversation that covered most of the events of the past week. I see her less and less, so there is much for us to discuss when we do see each other. We wove our way through the conversation and ended up in the rumors section. I made a reference about having fun at a club last Saturday and I sprung a trap. During a few seconds of contemplative silence she informed me that there was a rumor about me.
I would like to say "my stomach dropped" or that my "blood ran cold" but the truth is that it didn't. I was calm and collected. I maintain that my business is my business with people who aren't in my close circle, but realistically I expected that eventually someone would start something circulating about me. Tonight I wasn't disappointed.
Tiffany informed my that there was a rumor that I was seen out at a gay club last Saturday. Someone we know, a reasonably friendly associate of ours, said that they saw me, a short guy, and some shirtless guy hanging out together. I was struck dumb. I was dumber than dumb. I was Helen Keller.
I had spent a week fretting over whether Camille would blab about seeing me, and one of my own associates straight up was telling people. *Backstory* The girl was in love with my bestfriend's boyfriend's cousin [the one whose house we went to for new years]. She and I have a shared love of music, and she is very chill. She declared at the restaurant that we went to last Friday that she was going to become a lesbian because her feelings for the cousin were unrequited. I lauded the intrepidity of her decision. Her name is Lyn.
I, after recovering, laughed at the story. It hurt me to lie so blatantly. Ok, that's not true. It came to me naturally. I felt bad lying to my bestfriend, but the denial and a cover-up story spilled from my lips before I could debate whether or not to tell the truth. There were holes in the story and I quickly poked at them to make them bigger. Tiffany deemed that the rumor wasn't true because of the part about the shirtless guy. She didn't know anyone that I hang out with that seemed to fit the description. The truth was that they mistook Ben for a friend, instead of recognizing the reality of the situation. I was a little whore that night and I never really met the guy myself, but was flirting and making-out. I believe that Lyn might have seen that part and reported such, but Tiffany omitted it from the story out of deference for my perceived heterosexuality.
Other than that the story was dead on. Apart of it made me wonder whether Tiffany had found my blog or not. I had already hinted for her to look on google's list of blogs. Could she really have found it? That possibility and an extra memory popped into my head. Earlier when I was in the club I heard someone call my name. Have you had the feeling that someone, like your mother, has called you when in reality you had only imagined it? I had that sensation, but dismissed it. I figured that I was just worried because it was my first night out.
Now, I am in a very interesting predicament. I had my mind sort of made up to ask David to go back to the club with me, but I can't go now. Tiff told me that the cousin and her boyfriend hadn't believe the story either. She paused noticeably to give me a chance to confess. I think it is reasonable to assume that I continued to play my role. I came up with the lie that there was only one gay club in or city and I had never been there before. And since Lyn was drunk when she "saw" me that added to the doubt factor and my story was accepted. What is funny is that Lyn came into the store last night. We spoke briefly and she shopped a bit. She didn't even mention the club. I find that strange in retrospect.
I also think I might have not played my role as well as I could have. Like I said, usually I have time. Tiffany might have begun to suspect something. Now, I gott bring home a girl......
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I loved that F!&@ing Shirt
Where do I begin...
I've mentioned before that I wanted to go to a gay club, just to feel the vibe and also to get the curiosity out my system. Well, my friend David, a friend of his and I went last night. We chose the newest one in town, which neither of the two of them had ever been to. We got great parking and ended up right in front of the club, so we decided to do a little stake out and see what was up before entering. We ended up sitting outside for 20 mintues! Finally I went in to check it out for them so we could see if it was jumping or not. I walked into the door and there was this very short lady security guard who asked me for i.d. I politely told her that I was just checking the atmosphere out and had two friends that were waiting for me outside. I scoped out the scene: Bar: too small; number of ppl: deep as hell; and a throng of them gathered around a drag queen dancing to a song I didn't know.
So, I went back to the car and told them [in succinctly accurate detail] what was inside. David and I got out of his car and went to his friend Curtis' car but Curtis decided that he didn't want to get out. He wanted to go home instead. I had never met him, but I needed as much veteran support as possible on my first excursion. So, after some very deft coercion he agreed. As he gets out of his car, David turns to me and says, "You're good". I wanted to agree, but it wouldn't have been modest ;) As we approached the door I asked a young lady outside what it was like in the club. Though I had been inside, I had only seen unattractive ppl on the outside when we first parked. She said that it was jumping, but didn't know if it was my type of scene. I [because I love playing dumb] asked her what kind of scene was it. She told me that it was a gay club and that most straight guys probably couldn't handle it. I assured that I was looking for a good time, and if this club was popping then I would be ok. I was both intrigued and amused that she had assumed that I was straight.
So, we stroll into the club, immediately hit the bar and go up to a loft area in the back. We chill for a bit as we watch the Drag Queen show and as David and I point out who we each think is hot and those who should have not been allowed admittance. I must say that apparently, hotties only come out after 12 because after a bit we began seeing quite a few guys that I had to admit were really good looking. I also saw a guy that shops at my store periodically. I thought that he was a cutie when I saw him while I was work and it was a plus that he was in this club tonite. It struck me that he reminds me of Damian from MTV's TRL. In fact he looks very much like Damian but he was only one of sea of many fine mofos walking around at this point. I also must take this time to mention that there were several shirtless hotties walking around as this will be important to the story later on. There was this guy representing Gold's Gym. He kept walking past me. I thought he was trying to torture me with his banging body, like he was the ghost of homosexual-past or something!
After a corona I was ready to dance, which was convenient cause David had to pee [the first of 3 trips to the bathroom for him] and the bathrooms were downstairs. After doing his business we headed out to the dance floor. I'm not too familiar with homosexual culture, but apparently the DJ was spinning some ppl's favorite joints cause the dance space was full. I like when ppl actually dance at a club. It means they are trying to have a good time. I got a spot close to the mirror and started trying to create Stomp The Yard 2. While dancing, simply minding my own business, I look up and see this girl I work with. I almost went into evasive action and prepared myself to duck out the back of the club, but I was having a good time and wasn't going to let her mess it up. There were several straight guys at this club, and I had only danced with a girl so far. We didn't acknowledge each other, but there was a point where we looked DIRECTLY into each other's faces. I thought I was going to die. I somehow managed to survive though.
I continued to dance for a while thinking surely David and Curtis will join me in a little bit and the three of us would be silly and dance around. Nope. I was on the floor alone as they watched from the sidelines. A "slower" song began to play and I started seeing folks grinding on each other, so I fled the dance floor and I re-joined the guys and we kinda bounced around to the side. That was at least until some girl eyed me and beckoned me to come dance with her. I accepted and we danced. She kept rubbing against my stuff. I was sooo sure that she was trying to get me hard. I mean girl was pulling out all her tightest moves and but there was no reponse from downstairs. Nothing. I wasn't aroused not one bit. The song went off, we hugged and parted. I went back over to my friends and we danced and laughed. I felt the night was winding down and was content with my club experience. I had gone out and seen a myriad of spectacles and I had laughed and had a great time.
Then I saw him. I had seen shirtless guys walking around all night. I wanted to touch some, but I didn't. I could only imagine the freaky crap that I would do to them. Well as I was dancing, minding my own business, I was approached by a cute guy. He was white, 5'9, a buck-60, slim build. He had a drink and came close to where my friends and I were standing. He danced next to me for a moment and we danced together. I had never dance with a guy up until that point. He was off beat sorta, so I sat him down and gave him...a lap dance. He was pleased and then we started grinding on each other. I think I lost all sense that there were other ppl in the club. I was thinking to myself that this guy is just teasing me. I saw him on the dance floor earlier dancing with some guy. It was clear that the dude wanted to fondle him, but 'shirtless' wasn't with it. He strictly wanted to dance. So, imagine my surprise when he takes my hand and rubs it up and down his body. It felt too good. We dance close almost rubbing noses, then BAM!! He kisses me. Tongue, lips, saliva all melt into one as I make-out with this guy in the middle of the club. I could not believe it. So continue dancing and kissing, then he to put his hands down my pants. I had on three shirts to that was difficult to accomplish, so I helped him out a little bit. So damnit I slide my hands down his pants. I fish around a little bit. We break apart, gather fresh air into our lungs and we go back to dancing mildy. At this point my heart is racing. David grabs my arm and says, "have you done this before?" I shake my head and yell no over the music. I had no idea what I was doing...I mean I had some idea, but I am not familiar with gay hook-up protocol.
The guy and I get back to our courtship, then like some slut I ask him to come to the bathroom with me. He agrees and we go back there, but a HUGE security guard is watching the back door, which is open as ppl had ventured out there to seal their own sexual deals. It's only my luck that the damn bathroom and back door are so close. I let him go in first, afraid that the guard would bust us if he suspected something. I did follow after him quickly. We had a little fun in the stall [which had no door] and then I watched him take a piss. I slunk out of the bathroom because five ppl walked in at that moment. Back in the club proper we plotted out departure. I suggested that we go somewhere. He said that he would go anywhere if I named a place. So, I said, "what about my apartment?" He agreed to go with me once we find his shirt. We looked around for a bit, but no luck. So I told him that I would give him mine.
I took the topmost of my shirts off and told him to put it on. He did and I led him and David out of the club. Curtis had already made his way out and was in his car [parked next to us]. David realized that I was planning on taking this guy home, and was a little upset that I hadn't introduced them. The truth was that I didn't even know the guy's name. He gave it up [the name] easily and shook David's hand. David asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him that Benjamin [for that was the name he gave us] and I wanted to go back to my place. David suggested that he wanted to be a part of the action, but Ben declined. He said that he wasn't into threesomes. I don't think I was up for a threesome either, I mean it was slutty enough to bring someone home from the club after three dances and not even knowing their name. Ben's refusal seem to hurt David's feelings. So, being the kind, sensitive, knowing friend that I am; I told Ben that tonite wasn't going to work out. I told him that I had fun and if he wanted to exchange numbers maybe we could call each other. He was upset at my snub. I was tempted to ask for my shirt back, but I let him keep it. He couldn't find his and I felt bad for leading him out of the club only to send him back like some fish that didn't quite meet my expectations.
David and I positively had it out for the next hour. I was very upset with him. I can't say with certainty what emotion made him mad at me, but the fact that he was angry with me completely pissed me off. I rarely get angry. I read once that anger was a weak emotion and was often the cause of that which we come to regret most dearly. So, I tried to be in control, but I was seething. We got back to my apartment and we continued our fight. Part of me wants to go and apologize to the rest of the building, lest they heard us yelling at 4am.
This whole thing really surprised me, because I felt like he was making me the bad guy. So, I brought up how selfish he was being. Had I not turned down my first guy to instead go back home with him? Did I not just seemingly lead this guy on only to deny him at the last minute because the friendship between David and I was more important than some random dick at a club? On a night that I was to have my first experience, I gave it up because my good friend had left empty-handed. I cited these things as he grew emotional. It only made me more upset. How could he cry? Why did he constantly have to make this about him? Flashback 2006: David threw me a 20th birthday party. I am constantly uptight, and often branded as the responsible one cause I only take VERY calculated risks. That party was my night to get wild and silly. David got drunk and completely stole the show. He went on a very well remembered rant. The next day he apologized and threw me a second [make-up] party the following week. Do I have to tell you guys that he did the same thing again?! I actually wasn't even mad. I grew up as the middle child, and I don't terribly care for the spotlight so it didn't pain me. I know that that kind of thing is just in his nature. Now here we were in present time on a night that was again supposed to be about me and my going to my first gay club and experiencing all these things which were so foreign to me...and David strikes again. He actually pointed out that this was the first time in all our arguments, and we had argued frequently, that I was actually angry with him. I told him that he can mark it down as the one night that I was really upset. The one time I decided to throw caution into the wind and do something irresponsible.
Well, we reconcile, and I offer to take him home and just crash at his house because he had to be to work at 9am. I really wanted to stay home and sleep in my bed but I had no problem with the offered arrangement. David and his two roommates and I used to live together for two year. We know each other very well. I took him to his place and he asked me to show him my dick again. I was exasperated. My dick couldn't take any more teasing for the night. I gave him the same answer as before. He decided that he wasn't sleepy yet and therefore I couldn't sleep either, so we ended up playing and laughing for the rest of the night while he pretended to come on to me, while I spurned his advances. Admittedly there have been nights, when restless I decided to amuse my self by keeping him up, so I can't say I didn't deserve it. Finally around 6:45 he went to bed and I fell on the sectional in the living room. I had slept on it before because we had it when we lived together, and the damn thing is so comfy that it's easy to crash on. I woke up and one of my other ex-roommates and I watched an episode of House and then he took me home. I proceeded to rush to my computer to type this ridiculously long account of my first gay night out. If you've made it this far...damn. Thank you for reading. You now know all about my first real [sober] experience with a guy. A part of me is glad that I didn't have some random hook-up, but my dick is still mad at me for turning down much needed sex. What's wrong with me? My f*!@ing fingers hurt now. Holla!
I've mentioned before that I wanted to go to a gay club, just to feel the vibe and also to get the curiosity out my system. Well, my friend David, a friend of his and I went last night. We chose the newest one in town, which neither of the two of them had ever been to. We got great parking and ended up right in front of the club, so we decided to do a little stake out and see what was up before entering. We ended up sitting outside for 20 mintues! Finally I went in to check it out for them so we could see if it was jumping or not. I walked into the door and there was this very short lady security guard who asked me for i.d. I politely told her that I was just checking the atmosphere out and had two friends that were waiting for me outside. I scoped out the scene: Bar: too small; number of ppl: deep as hell; and a throng of them gathered around a drag queen dancing to a song I didn't know.
So, I went back to the car and told them [in succinctly accurate detail] what was inside. David and I got out of his car and went to his friend Curtis' car but Curtis decided that he didn't want to get out. He wanted to go home instead. I had never met him, but I needed as much veteran support as possible on my first excursion. So, after some very deft coercion he agreed. As he gets out of his car, David turns to me and says, "You're good". I wanted to agree, but it wouldn't have been modest ;) As we approached the door I asked a young lady outside what it was like in the club. Though I had been inside, I had only seen unattractive ppl on the outside when we first parked. She said that it was jumping, but didn't know if it was my type of scene. I [because I love playing dumb] asked her what kind of scene was it. She told me that it was a gay club and that most straight guys probably couldn't handle it. I assured that I was looking for a good time, and if this club was popping then I would be ok. I was both intrigued and amused that she had assumed that I was straight.
So, we stroll into the club, immediately hit the bar and go up to a loft area in the back. We chill for a bit as we watch the Drag Queen show and as David and I point out who we each think is hot and those who should have not been allowed admittance. I must say that apparently, hotties only come out after 12 because after a bit we began seeing quite a few guys that I had to admit were really good looking. I also saw a guy that shops at my store periodically. I thought that he was a cutie when I saw him while I was work and it was a plus that he was in this club tonite. It struck me that he reminds me of Damian from MTV's TRL. In fact he looks very much like Damian but he was only one of sea of many fine mofos walking around at this point. I also must take this time to mention that there were several shirtless hotties walking around as this will be important to the story later on. There was this guy representing Gold's Gym. He kept walking past me. I thought he was trying to torture me with his banging body, like he was the ghost of homosexual-past or something!
After a corona I was ready to dance, which was convenient cause David had to pee [the first of 3 trips to the bathroom for him] and the bathrooms were downstairs. After doing his business we headed out to the dance floor. I'm not too familiar with homosexual culture, but apparently the DJ was spinning some ppl's favorite joints cause the dance space was full. I like when ppl actually dance at a club. It means they are trying to have a good time. I got a spot close to the mirror and started trying to create Stomp The Yard 2. While dancing, simply minding my own business, I look up and see this girl I work with. I almost went into evasive action and prepared myself to duck out the back of the club, but I was having a good time and wasn't going to let her mess it up. There were several straight guys at this club, and I had only danced with a girl so far. We didn't acknowledge each other, but there was a point where we looked DIRECTLY into each other's faces. I thought I was going to die. I somehow managed to survive though.
I continued to dance for a while thinking surely David and Curtis will join me in a little bit and the three of us would be silly and dance around. Nope. I was on the floor alone as they watched from the sidelines. A "slower" song began to play and I started seeing folks grinding on each other, so I fled the dance floor and I re-joined the guys and we kinda bounced around to the side. That was at least until some girl eyed me and beckoned me to come dance with her. I accepted and we danced. She kept rubbing against my stuff. I was sooo sure that she was trying to get me hard. I mean girl was pulling out all her tightest moves and but there was no reponse from downstairs. Nothing. I wasn't aroused not one bit. The song went off, we hugged and parted. I went back over to my friends and we danced and laughed. I felt the night was winding down and was content with my club experience. I had gone out and seen a myriad of spectacles and I had laughed and had a great time.
Then I saw him. I had seen shirtless guys walking around all night. I wanted to touch some, but I didn't. I could only imagine the freaky crap that I would do to them. Well as I was dancing, minding my own business, I was approached by a cute guy. He was white, 5'9, a buck-60, slim build. He had a drink and came close to where my friends and I were standing. He danced next to me for a moment and we danced together. I had never dance with a guy up until that point. He was off beat sorta, so I sat him down and gave him...a lap dance. He was pleased and then we started grinding on each other. I think I lost all sense that there were other ppl in the club. I was thinking to myself that this guy is just teasing me. I saw him on the dance floor earlier dancing with some guy. It was clear that the dude wanted to fondle him, but 'shirtless' wasn't with it. He strictly wanted to dance. So, imagine my surprise when he takes my hand and rubs it up and down his body. It felt too good. We dance close almost rubbing noses, then BAM!! He kisses me. Tongue, lips, saliva all melt into one as I make-out with this guy in the middle of the club. I could not believe it. So continue dancing and kissing, then he to put his hands down my pants. I had on three shirts to that was difficult to accomplish, so I helped him out a little bit. So damnit I slide my hands down his pants. I fish around a little bit. We break apart, gather fresh air into our lungs and we go back to dancing mildy. At this point my heart is racing. David grabs my arm and says, "have you done this before?" I shake my head and yell no over the music. I had no idea what I was doing...I mean I had some idea, but I am not familiar with gay hook-up protocol.
The guy and I get back to our courtship, then like some slut I ask him to come to the bathroom with me. He agrees and we go back there, but a HUGE security guard is watching the back door, which is open as ppl had ventured out there to seal their own sexual deals. It's only my luck that the damn bathroom and back door are so close. I let him go in first, afraid that the guard would bust us if he suspected something. I did follow after him quickly. We had a little fun in the stall [which had no door] and then I watched him take a piss. I slunk out of the bathroom because five ppl walked in at that moment. Back in the club proper we plotted out departure. I suggested that we go somewhere. He said that he would go anywhere if I named a place. So, I said, "what about my apartment?" He agreed to go with me once we find his shirt. We looked around for a bit, but no luck. So I told him that I would give him mine.
I took the topmost of my shirts off and told him to put it on. He did and I led him and David out of the club. Curtis had already made his way out and was in his car [parked next to us]. David realized that I was planning on taking this guy home, and was a little upset that I hadn't introduced them. The truth was that I didn't even know the guy's name. He gave it up [the name] easily and shook David's hand. David asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him that Benjamin [for that was the name he gave us] and I wanted to go back to my place. David suggested that he wanted to be a part of the action, but Ben declined. He said that he wasn't into threesomes. I don't think I was up for a threesome either, I mean it was slutty enough to bring someone home from the club after three dances and not even knowing their name. Ben's refusal seem to hurt David's feelings. So, being the kind, sensitive, knowing friend that I am; I told Ben that tonite wasn't going to work out. I told him that I had fun and if he wanted to exchange numbers maybe we could call each other. He was upset at my snub. I was tempted to ask for my shirt back, but I let him keep it. He couldn't find his and I felt bad for leading him out of the club only to send him back like some fish that didn't quite meet my expectations.
David and I positively had it out for the next hour. I was very upset with him. I can't say with certainty what emotion made him mad at me, but the fact that he was angry with me completely pissed me off. I rarely get angry. I read once that anger was a weak emotion and was often the cause of that which we come to regret most dearly. So, I tried to be in control, but I was seething. We got back to my apartment and we continued our fight. Part of me wants to go and apologize to the rest of the building, lest they heard us yelling at 4am.
This whole thing really surprised me, because I felt like he was making me the bad guy. So, I brought up how selfish he was being. Had I not turned down my first guy to instead go back home with him? Did I not just seemingly lead this guy on only to deny him at the last minute because the friendship between David and I was more important than some random dick at a club? On a night that I was to have my first experience, I gave it up because my good friend had left empty-handed. I cited these things as he grew emotional. It only made me more upset. How could he cry? Why did he constantly have to make this about him? Flashback 2006: David threw me a 20th birthday party. I am constantly uptight, and often branded as the responsible one cause I only take VERY calculated risks. That party was my night to get wild and silly. David got drunk and completely stole the show. He went on a very well remembered rant. The next day he apologized and threw me a second [make-up] party the following week. Do I have to tell you guys that he did the same thing again?! I actually wasn't even mad. I grew up as the middle child, and I don't terribly care for the spotlight so it didn't pain me. I know that that kind of thing is just in his nature. Now here we were in present time on a night that was again supposed to be about me and my going to my first gay club and experiencing all these things which were so foreign to me...and David strikes again. He actually pointed out that this was the first time in all our arguments, and we had argued frequently, that I was actually angry with him. I told him that he can mark it down as the one night that I was really upset. The one time I decided to throw caution into the wind and do something irresponsible.
Well, we reconcile, and I offer to take him home and just crash at his house because he had to be to work at 9am. I really wanted to stay home and sleep in my bed but I had no problem with the offered arrangement. David and his two roommates and I used to live together for two year. We know each other very well. I took him to his place and he asked me to show him my dick again. I was exasperated. My dick couldn't take any more teasing for the night. I gave him the same answer as before. He decided that he wasn't sleepy yet and therefore I couldn't sleep either, so we ended up playing and laughing for the rest of the night while he pretended to come on to me, while I spurned his advances. Admittedly there have been nights, when restless I decided to amuse my self by keeping him up, so I can't say I didn't deserve it. Finally around 6:45 he went to bed and I fell on the sectional in the living room. I had slept on it before because we had it when we lived together, and the damn thing is so comfy that it's easy to crash on. I woke up and one of my other ex-roommates and I watched an episode of House and then he took me home. I proceeded to rush to my computer to type this ridiculously long account of my first gay night out. If you've made it this far...damn. Thank you for reading. You now know all about my first real [sober] experience with a guy. A part of me is glad that I didn't have some random hook-up, but my dick is still mad at me for turning down much needed sex. What's wrong with me? My f*!@ing fingers hurt now. Holla!
Monday, January 5, 2009
The Real Me
My friend David and I had a very constructive conversation. I've mentioned him before because he's the only person that knows that I like guys. He came out to me two and half years ago, and I reciprocated that trust last year this time. Since then we've been closer than the two of us ever had.
David was over at my apartment recently [I was making him a cd] and we got to talking. Our talks are usually very constructive and honest. He used to think that I held back, but we've cleared that up. So, we were covering various topics when he decided that we should talk about me. Now, I must say that of all my friends the subject of me rarely comes up. That is intentional. I am very good at keeping people talking, which is probably why they end up telling me things that they would normally keep secret. David knows my technique and refused to let me employ it. He was clever enough to sense when I was trying to lead the conversation from myself. This ended up forcing me to tell him many of the reasons why I over-analyze everything, etc.
It was funny because a few times I answered a question before he had asked it. He was surprised that I knew where he was going next, but I was admittedly even more surprised; not at myself of course, but at the fact that he was prepared to ask what I thought seemed like a very good question, and they weren't linear in the sense that it was logical to come next.
He was very receptive and he had plenty of advice. It was both scary and refreshing to finally be the one that was able to let large amounts of me to spill out. I can't remember having ever done it for anyone. Ever. I told him about all the Me's that I play; and by that I am referring to all of the different "Masks" *AEK* that I wear. The masks don't necessarily signal a complete change in me, but they express the parts of my personality that I repress and the parts that I accentuate in a specific venue. So all of the things that I want people to see in me come out in respect to the setting I am in.
I do think that his perception of me changed. There was a palpable difference in how he viewed me as a person after our conversation. Not pity, but sadness for how much I hide behind these masks. He did encourage me to tell a few of our friends. I declined.
"Thought of the Day"
Does coming out get easier after the first person?
Song
"Pressure" by Paramore
David was over at my apartment recently [I was making him a cd] and we got to talking. Our talks are usually very constructive and honest. He used to think that I held back, but we've cleared that up. So, we were covering various topics when he decided that we should talk about me. Now, I must say that of all my friends the subject of me rarely comes up. That is intentional. I am very good at keeping people talking, which is probably why they end up telling me things that they would normally keep secret. David knows my technique and refused to let me employ it. He was clever enough to sense when I was trying to lead the conversation from myself. This ended up forcing me to tell him many of the reasons why I over-analyze everything, etc.
It was funny because a few times I answered a question before he had asked it. He was surprised that I knew where he was going next, but I was admittedly even more surprised; not at myself of course, but at the fact that he was prepared to ask what I thought seemed like a very good question, and they weren't linear in the sense that it was logical to come next.
He was very receptive and he had plenty of advice. It was both scary and refreshing to finally be the one that was able to let large amounts of me to spill out. I can't remember having ever done it for anyone. Ever. I told him about all the Me's that I play; and by that I am referring to all of the different "Masks" *AEK* that I wear. The masks don't necessarily signal a complete change in me, but they express the parts of my personality that I repress and the parts that I accentuate in a specific venue. So all of the things that I want people to see in me come out in respect to the setting I am in.
I do think that his perception of me changed. There was a palpable difference in how he viewed me as a person after our conversation. Not pity, but sadness for how much I hide behind these masks. He did encourage me to tell a few of our friends. I declined.
"Thought of the Day"
Does coming out get easier after the first person?
Song
"Pressure" by Paramore
Saturday, November 22, 2008
What Happens When You Don't Take A Chance?
I went out with an old friend of mine. I had a great time. I really hadn't gone out in abt months, just tied up with work and what not. We decided to go out to get some drinks and hit the clubs.
The night went well. While David and I were sitting in our booth a lady walks by me and tells me that I had the sexiest lips. HAHA! I had simply smiled at her when she walked by the first time, but I guess that it caught her attention... :? I kept checking my lips for the rest of the night. :) I thought that it was strange of her to say. I agree that my lips and smile are my best features. They are my money move. I am a big teeth person so smiles really do it for me.
After drinking we hit the club. We went into a place called Oxygen. I had seen it a bunch of times, but never went inside. It was NICE. It wasn't as packed as I imagined it would be but I still had a good time. I was standing by the bar and some girls were dancing on each other. One stops and comes over and starts grinding on me. I give her a little attention and her friend comes over and makes it a three-some. My buddy who is with me says that I've been getting all the attention tonite. I laughed. He went to the bathroom and I decided to be adventurous. Th girl who had come over to me was now alone. I pulled up a chair and patted it, indicating for her to sit down. Then I dicked her down! I gave her a little lap dance gyrating everything I own on her. She almost fell out of the chair, but I caught the back of it. The funny part was that I did all of this while holding David's drink!
We left a little after 1:30am. I had really wanted to dance some more, but there wasn't really anyone on the dance floor and my threesome partners were gone. I ended up driving home, hadn't had anything but an Incredible Hulk and a Long Island Ice Tea, so I was good. David was a little buzzed. We got to my place so that he could sober up before he went home. I did the thing that I do when I start asking questions, but had told me that the night was supposed to be abt me. He decided to ask me some stuff that was on his mind. I did my usual to steer the convo his way. He was sharp and caught on to my ploy. Then he surprised me. He asked me to show him my dick. Let me stop and say that I had known for a long time that he was gay and he is the only person that I had ever told that I was as well. He is probably reading this right now thinking of all the horrible things that he will do to me, but that's ok. The point of this blog is for me to have an outlet to speak freely and I owe it to you guys to be honest.
His request threw me for a loop. I had always thought of him as a cousin that you really don't see often, but you really enjoy. My immediate thought was this was his last stage of seduction. In my tendency to overthink I saw the night out sort of like a date. I ran through my mind that perhaps he had planned this. But then I also thought, who the hell would want to seduce ME?! Again the request to pull it out came. I didn't reject the request, I simpy told him that it felt weird to go that route with him. Now, nearly 24 hours later, after being at work all day and seeing happy couples, my mind starts to think, why didn't I take the chance? He's not clingy, or needy? I don't think that he would start waiting in my parking lot to catch glimpses of me. Why didn't I take the chance? David cited my tendency to overthink. I agree that I overthink and explained to him why, but he dismissed my answer. Thought I didn't show it, that made me angry. I was honest with him and he sort of wrote it off. I rarely explain myself to people, cause my thoughts are they either don't care of won't get it.
As I'm writing this my mind goes to razz's response to a comment I made on his blog. He posed the quintessential question of whether it [dating Jay] was worth it. And how much would he have to compromise in order to make it work. It probably turned out to be very little now that he's in the relationship and it's thriving, but I have the same thought going on in mind. How much would I have to comprmise to have a hook up with David? I have a Dick over Feelings threshold, and when I pass that I no longer feel like its E, but rather someone else that has taken over.
I always thought [and this will be SOOO corny] that my first time with a guy would be [sigh] special. Not special in the 'I LoveYou' sort of way, but something memorable that I will look back on at be able to laugh at. Had I did the horizontal hokey-pokey with David it would not have met my expectations. And if I'm looking at this unrealistically someone please say something!! But as I follow some of these blogs and browse others, I see relationships of substance proliferating. It makes me think, Damn, I could find a good guy who might be willing to date and be interested in what I think and what the hell I have to say. David had made clear to me that he's not interested in a relationship or anything that resembles such...but what happens when you don't take a chance?
Song
"More to Life" Stacie Orrico
Thought for Today
Why take the road less traveled by?
~E
The night went well. While David and I were sitting in our booth a lady walks by me and tells me that I had the sexiest lips. HAHA! I had simply smiled at her when she walked by the first time, but I guess that it caught her attention... :? I kept checking my lips for the rest of the night. :) I thought that it was strange of her to say. I agree that my lips and smile are my best features. They are my money move. I am a big teeth person so smiles really do it for me.
After drinking we hit the club. We went into a place called Oxygen. I had seen it a bunch of times, but never went inside. It was NICE. It wasn't as packed as I imagined it would be but I still had a good time. I was standing by the bar and some girls were dancing on each other. One stops and comes over and starts grinding on me. I give her a little attention and her friend comes over and makes it a three-some. My buddy who is with me says that I've been getting all the attention tonite. I laughed. He went to the bathroom and I decided to be adventurous. Th girl who had come over to me was now alone. I pulled up a chair and patted it, indicating for her to sit down. Then I dicked her down! I gave her a little lap dance gyrating everything I own on her. She almost fell out of the chair, but I caught the back of it. The funny part was that I did all of this while holding David's drink!
We left a little after 1:30am. I had really wanted to dance some more, but there wasn't really anyone on the dance floor and my threesome partners were gone. I ended up driving home, hadn't had anything but an Incredible Hulk and a Long Island Ice Tea, so I was good. David was a little buzzed. We got to my place so that he could sober up before he went home. I did the thing that I do when I start asking questions, but had told me that the night was supposed to be abt me. He decided to ask me some stuff that was on his mind. I did my usual to steer the convo his way. He was sharp and caught on to my ploy. Then he surprised me. He asked me to show him my dick. Let me stop and say that I had known for a long time that he was gay and he is the only person that I had ever told that I was as well. He is probably reading this right now thinking of all the horrible things that he will do to me, but that's ok. The point of this blog is for me to have an outlet to speak freely and I owe it to you guys to be honest.
His request threw me for a loop. I had always thought of him as a cousin that you really don't see often, but you really enjoy. My immediate thought was this was his last stage of seduction. In my tendency to overthink I saw the night out sort of like a date. I ran through my mind that perhaps he had planned this. But then I also thought, who the hell would want to seduce ME?! Again the request to pull it out came. I didn't reject the request, I simpy told him that it felt weird to go that route with him. Now, nearly 24 hours later, after being at work all day and seeing happy couples, my mind starts to think, why didn't I take the chance? He's not clingy, or needy? I don't think that he would start waiting in my parking lot to catch glimpses of me. Why didn't I take the chance? David cited my tendency to overthink. I agree that I overthink and explained to him why, but he dismissed my answer. Thought I didn't show it, that made me angry. I was honest with him and he sort of wrote it off. I rarely explain myself to people, cause my thoughts are they either don't care of won't get it.
As I'm writing this my mind goes to razz's response to a comment I made on his blog. He posed the quintessential question of whether it [dating Jay] was worth it. And how much would he have to compromise in order to make it work. It probably turned out to be very little now that he's in the relationship and it's thriving, but I have the same thought going on in mind. How much would I have to comprmise to have a hook up with David? I have a Dick over Feelings threshold, and when I pass that I no longer feel like its E, but rather someone else that has taken over.
I always thought [and this will be SOOO corny] that my first time with a guy would be [sigh] special. Not special in the 'I LoveYou' sort of way, but something memorable that I will look back on at be able to laugh at. Had I did the horizontal hokey-pokey with David it would not have met my expectations. And if I'm looking at this unrealistically someone please say something!! But as I follow some of these blogs and browse others, I see relationships of substance proliferating. It makes me think, Damn, I could find a good guy who might be willing to date and be interested in what I think and what the hell I have to say. David had made clear to me that he's not interested in a relationship or anything that resembles such...but what happens when you don't take a chance?
Song
"More to Life" Stacie Orrico
Thought for Today
Why take the road less traveled by?
~E
Friday, October 31, 2008
The First Person
Ok. So, here is the backstory. When I was..younger...three friends and I decided to get an apartment together. We figured it would be more cost effective than staying at school housing, so we got a great apartment and all moved in. We had lived together the previous year and kinda had a feel for one another. Before we moved in David and I bumped heads. I was sort of seen as the bad guy and we fell out. It didn't take long, but we got past that, moved in together, and we were content. Shortly into out stint as roomies we had a small get together at out apartment. Though I didn't realize it at the time, David was our resident party hoe. He could find a good party and throw one as well.
So, on the night of our party some people fell asleep on his bed, not wanting to be rude he didn't wake them. I told him that he was welcome to sleep in my room. That's when he began confessing. It didn't take too much prodding on my end. He accused me of already knowing anyway and it was true. I had a very strong suspicion that he was gay, but I figured that if he wanted me to know that he would tell me; then he told me. I let him know that I was happy that he felt like he could trust me with his secret and we talked for the rest of the night.
It was a new chapter in our friendship. There were so many things that we shared interests in [that's horrible grammar]. We love movies, music, and books. I remember many a night that we sat awake brainstorming how beyonce or ne-yo's next album should sound. Often we would give a play-by-play synopsis of that night's American Idol, who could be getting voted off, and why they screwed up. It was the best of times, so it was natural for me to tell him about my same sex curiosity. He wasn't the only person I knew that was gay [My sister is out], but for someone reason I trusted him the most. I think because we both understood what it was like to have a secret and not be able to tell anyone. My confession really sprung forth after I had moved out [dumb mistake] and we were chatting online. David was giving me the detail of a steamy hook up that happened with a common friend. As he was telling me the story a part of me felt like I had not reciprocated the same trust that he had always shown me. I remember typing "Oh no, now you're gonna make me confess..." I never knew if he suspected what was coming next. I told him that I had hooked up with the same guy [he was and is the only guy with whom I've done anything] a few months prior.
Well, let's say that it was WHOLE new chapter. It was the biggest secret that I had told anyone, and apart of me was relieved that I had told him. It was the first time that I wasn't worried that someone would use something personal to manipulate me. As David can confirm, I am very concerned when it comes to privacy. I was actually happy that there was something else that we had in common, something that linked us, that I could ask his advice on, or compare experiences to :} I had never told anyone before him, and no one since......except all of you.
So, on the night of our party some people fell asleep on his bed, not wanting to be rude he didn't wake them. I told him that he was welcome to sleep in my room. That's when he began confessing. It didn't take too much prodding on my end. He accused me of already knowing anyway and it was true. I had a very strong suspicion that he was gay, but I figured that if he wanted me to know that he would tell me; then he told me. I let him know that I was happy that he felt like he could trust me with his secret and we talked for the rest of the night.
It was a new chapter in our friendship. There were so many things that we shared interests in [that's horrible grammar]. We love movies, music, and books. I remember many a night that we sat awake brainstorming how beyonce or ne-yo's next album should sound. Often we would give a play-by-play synopsis of that night's American Idol, who could be getting voted off, and why they screwed up. It was the best of times, so it was natural for me to tell him about my same sex curiosity. He wasn't the only person I knew that was gay [My sister is out], but for someone reason I trusted him the most. I think because we both understood what it was like to have a secret and not be able to tell anyone. My confession really sprung forth after I had moved out [dumb mistake] and we were chatting online. David was giving me the detail of a steamy hook up that happened with a common friend. As he was telling me the story a part of me felt like I had not reciprocated the same trust that he had always shown me. I remember typing "Oh no, now you're gonna make me confess..." I never knew if he suspected what was coming next. I told him that I had hooked up with the same guy [he was and is the only guy with whom I've done anything] a few months prior.
Well, let's say that it was WHOLE new chapter. It was the biggest secret that I had told anyone, and apart of me was relieved that I had told him. It was the first time that I wasn't worried that someone would use something personal to manipulate me. As David can confirm, I am very concerned when it comes to privacy. I was actually happy that there was something else that we had in common, something that linked us, that I could ask his advice on, or compare experiences to :} I had never told anyone before him, and no one since......except all of you.
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