Monday, January 25, 2010

What Do I Say If They Ask If I'm Gay?!

Just re-read my "What's with All The Sudden Interest" post, and realized that I got some comments that I kind of left hanging in mid-air. So, I feel like a bit of a fool for not saying thank you to naturgesetez, goleftatthefork, A. Friend, Aron2631, AEK, and Bruce. My computer, job and housing situation all changed around those weeks, so I had been thrown off posting and hadn't really recovered since. Thank you for your kinds words and encouragement. If you all have posted and received comments on your respective blogs, I'm sure you know the feeling it brings when someone takes the time to read what you wrote and respond. I find myself a more confident adult in 2010. There is something that troubles me. Wanting very badly to be in a relationship has me edging toward becoming more open about my sexuality. My family is the real tricky part here. 6 months ago my mother asked me about marriage and my thoughts on children. At the time I panicked and thought she was fishing for answers. Answers to questions that made me think..."what do I say if they ask if I'm gay?" [I love how this rhymes! It was intentional.]

What I am going to say is simply the way that I am evaluating my current situation with my family by highlighting points made by those who commented and things from the conversation between my mother and myself. Please, please feel free to comment on, suggest, challenge, point out, add to, or discuss anything that follows.

@ naturgesetz: I can't tell them I like guys. There are so many reasons why I can't do it that it isn't even funny. I honestly haven't decided whether I'm marrying a woman or deciding to choose a man. In fact, I think it would be best to do some dating before I make any decision to talk to them about this. It could be that I choose to have a traditional family and kids. It is horrific to contemplate explaining to my family that I've had a change of heart and am getting married to a woman after telling them I like boys. Plus I feel like I just hit my stride with my parents. We've never had a strong relationship and now that I finally am getting somewhere, adding something like this to the equation has too great of a magnitude to measure. To me the consequences are too far reaching and potentially negative to measure.

@ goleftatthefork: My parents are very speculative people, which compounds the fact that I don't share anything about myself. I was a very private child. I was a private teenage; and six years after graduating and moving our I haven't changed much. My parents have no idea about what's going on in my life at any given time. Again, I'm not a parent so my lack of knowledge of how their brains work really hurts me here, but I know my parents talk about stuff like this. Their motivations and conclusions about the topic is really what concerns me. Do I think they know... no. Have they at some point had this conversation... probably yes.

@ A.Friend: Haha. My younger brother would be OK if I said that I loved a tree. He would think me a bit weird if I did, but we wouldn't change much except for the fact that he would probably have something extra to tease me about [which is what we do to each other]. My oldest sister would want to talk about it and try to be understanding and make herself very available. It's my older brother and my sister [the bloody gay one] close to me that I'm unsure about.

@ aron: I actually thought you were spot on. I figured my sister has the strongest suspicion. Being gay, I guess she can spot the 'signs' if there are any that I've missed [gotta ask Jake if I exhibit any signs, now that I think about it]. LoL. I'm brave. I'll face the fear for now.

Aek: Whew. Thank God, my father hasn't asked me anything. He has no shame with questions. He will just straight up ask anything that occurs to him. Which is part of the reason I think he doesn't know. Either it hasn't occurred to him or he is afraid of the answer.

@ Bruce: The closest is very comfortable right now. LOL! I think I prejudiced the post about conversation between my mom and me with my paranoia. I think I made it seem as though she was reaching out for me. Now, months later it seems as though she was just interested in general about me. I mean I am very much a mystery to my parents. Outside of music, basketball, and my favorite color they know very little about me.

@ DBC: I have and will continue to think on what you've shared. Thanks!

There is nothing about my immediate demeanor or actions that would suggest that I am homosexual or [as I am in reality] bisexual. There is simply no evidence. How would they know? :( For those that think they do know, please tell me what are some determining factors in discerning how to spot someone who is gay.


Anonymous said...

I like this post, and it leads me to the following answer, which should suffice until you are ready to give them the real one - if they ask if you're gay, tell them it's none of their business.

I heard an interesting story from my mother about how she finally found out that my uncle was gay. He had never "come out" although she had suspicions. He had fallen in love and invited her to meet the object of his affection. She asked if it was a guy or a girl, and he refused to tell her. She had to show up and accept them. And she did. Up until she proved that she could accept whatever was presented to her, it really wasn't any of her business.

Aek said...

I'm glad to see you post again! :-)

That post you were talking about was written so long ago I had to search through your posts to find out when you wrote it, lol.

I hope the dust settles for you soon, as I miss hearing updates in your life, even the little things. You've been MIA for way too long. Take care and I hope everything goes well!

E said...

Thanks GLATF! I like that answer. The only hole I can poke in that is that the lack of denial is sort of a pseudo-confirmation. I am definitely putting that response in my pocket if the conversation comes up. I suspect my dad and little brother are the only ones brave enough to outrightly just ask, and I will respond if that is relevant to our relationship?" Hopefully they will answer no, then I will respond with good cause it's none of your business. And if they say it IS relevant to our relationship I will say that it's still really none of their business.

Haha! Good advice overall. Maybe I'll surprise them with dinner one day after I'm rich and paying their bills and they have no choice but to be nice. ;)

Aek: Yes, I'm glad to be back as well. After my computer broke, I just couldn't recover my regular postings. I'm very happy to see that you've endured and continue to give updates.