Sunday, December 21, 2008

What's wrong with me?

So, I've got it bad. Ever since I've began to come to grips with actually liking guys and wanting to date them I have begun to suspect every good looking guy might be gay. I don't know what is the norm with self-revelatory experiences, but {and please keep in mind that I'm lonely} I keep meeting guys and dying to know whether they are gay or being nice. I'm not sure where this is stemming from, but I keep checking ring fingers, mannerisms, length of eye contact and who they are with to see if there is the potential that the individual might be into guys.
For example, I was at work today. I was folding a table of shirts that had been massacred. A guy had come up to my table and we started a casual conversation. After several laughs I look down and see a ring on his finger. I was hoping that he just arbitrarily wore a ring on his left hand-fourth finger; then his damn wife rolls up. This made me upset. I wanted to say "bitch, do you not see us talking! I know you got more shopping to do."
This is why next week I am going to a gay club. I was waiting until a friend of mine could find the time to take me, but I don't have the tolerance to wait any longer. I have to meet someone before I shrivel and die. I suspect that I am close to getting a girlfriend and that actually makes me sorta mad. There is this girl named Jillian and she's alright, but really not what I'm looking for at the current moment.

Thought of the Day
Isn't flirting a way of making your intentions obvious?

"Meant to Live" by Switchfoot

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Yikes!! Over budget....

So, I went shopping today and I thiiiiiiiiiiiink I went over budget. I was trying to stay under $250 for my siblings and my niece and ended up spending 265 dollars. But the worst part was that most of it was for me :{ I bought a blazer, too button ups, 2 pair of jeans [one for my little brother], 4 thermals [2 for my little brother], 3 t-shirts, a pack of socks, a pair of suede-like dress pants, 2 boxers, an argyle vest, and a fur lined hoodie. Tomorrow I'm buying some $70 shoes that I like. What the hell happened to me? My mom told me that I should stop buying clothes. It's funny cause my closest is full and I only have a third of my clothes at my apartment! My little brother [spoiled] and little sister [who is in actuality 22 months older than me, also spoiled] gifts are done. Now, it's my two nieces and older brother and oldest sister's turns. Then my best friend and I'm done!

Monday, December 15, 2008

This will not be up for long...

It's a short prologue for my book that I am writing. I don't plan on leaving it up very long, but I thought I'd throw it up here for a bit.

"It's 500 years before Christ. I know because I've already seen his face. I've seen the masses rally around him. I've seen ancient allies go to war and cities that stood for centuries fall, only for new ones to rise in their place. I've seen Rome looted and burned. Those are only some of the things my dreams show me that could come to pass; and I do dream such things. My dreams are the source of my trouble. For there are those that would put their very kingdoms on the line to see what I see, to know what I know. But they wouldn't understand the dreams, because at first I didn't understand either....."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

So, I know I'm posting less and less, but that's not because I'm not on. I'm still commenting and reading some very good stuff. I simply find that I have less and less to say as my life spirals into the obscurity of complete and utter boredom.

I do have one story. It's not terribly funny, its kinda rude I guess. There is this gay guy at my job, cool dude. I sent him a text message while he was out of town and told him that I had something important to tell him. It was my plan to come out to him. I don't know why him. I guess it would be easier cause he's gay, but I don't know whether he has a big mouth or not. Well, today as I was getting ready to leave I started thinking whether or not it hurts to take it up the rear. Having never done it, nor attempted to place anything up my rear for that matter, I was in my opinion understandibly curious. So, I asked him. He avoided me for a few minutes, but then said that it depends on who you are. So, THEN I asked what he meant by "who you are"? Was that supposed to mean if you're swinging a bat then you can hurt somebody? Our conversation was interrupted by a female associate and he took the chance to disappear.

Thought for the Day
"What kind of different things can you fit in an asshole? [no confessions necessary]

Without [interlude] & Can U Help Me by Usher

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Somethings Never Change

So, my old roommates convinced me to go out tonite. I'm just getting back and it is 4am. Can I say that I had a really good time with them. They showed up at my job at 11:30. I had to count the money, so I was running a little behind. I honestly wasn't expecting them to come so soon, but I knocked the money stuff out and jumped in the truck. I have had very limited interaction since I moved out of our collective apartment when I lease ended in May 07. It took all of....36 seconds for me to realize that nothing had changed. The dynamic between each of us was still the same. It was relief for me to realize that they were the same guys that I had met 3 1/2 years ago. I guess some things never change.

So, we went club hopping. I guess we really only hopped once cause the second club was live as hell. I had told them that I had never been there and so we went. It was a good choice too cause the DJ was spinning some good stuff and people were dancing. The previous club was filled with drunk soldiers who had wandered off base for a deserved break. We went in and it didn't take us long to get swept up in the dancing. Now I usually don't dance. Not cause I can't [cause I can BREAK IT DOWN if necessary] but because I really don't feel moved to dance when 87.23% of the club is just standing on the wall watching the dance floor. The people here were moving. I got caught up to say the least; it didn't take long for me to start pulling out everything that I could replicate from Stomp The Yard. It was a good time. Th thought to scope out someone barely crossed my mind. I did see a hottie in some Timbs that caught my eye, but I disregarded it cause I didn't think that there was any interest. On a high note there was this HOT asian girl. I didn't see her until the damn club was closing. She was in a yellow dress....{shakes head}...I pointed her out to one of the roomies and our collective jaws dropped. She looked our way and I turned my head quickly. It was a punk move that I normally don't fall prey to, but she was that good looking. So, I'm a big guy I guess {In my mind I'm still 5'3 125} and she grabbed the back of the hoodie I was wearing so that she could make it out of the club. I thought it would be the gentlemen thing to help, so I grabbed her hand and led her out! We nearly made it to the street together, but her friend grabbed her other hand and said "girl, you can't go home with him." I wanted to say, "yes the hell she can!" but I gave her a smile and joined my boys out front. It wasn't a big deal, but it felt good all the same.

I admitted to David, who is one of my old roommates that moving out was one of the biggest mistakes that I had ever [and I mean in my life} made. I told the other two guys tonite while we were waiting in Krystals for their orders. They reciprocated the feeling. They actually told me that they missed me first, and that prompted me to admit that I wished that I had never broken us up. We agreed that if we found a four bedroom that we'd move in together again as soon as the chance presents itself.

It was an awesome night overall. The relationship between David and me hadn't changed either. We were arguing before the night was over. The other two didn't know because we argued in Travis' truck while they were inside Krystals ordering their food. Alcohol does something to him that not so great. Our years together taught me that, so I ignored some of his disparaging comments. I know once he barfed or pissed the booze out then he'd be good again. He also nearly out me to my fourth roomie (his name is T) at the club. He leaned in and yells "Are you into light skinned guys?!" I really didn't hear him, but I guess he realized that T was in VERY close proximity and that he had said it too loud. He started apologizing, but T either didn't hear it, didn't understand, or disregarded it. I'm hoping for a mixture of all three. I didn't sweat it though. It registered after a second what he had asked me and I answered him.

I ended up driving us to Krystals, then to my place to drop me off. I was the official designated driver when we stayed together. Both because I held liquor the best and because I rarely drink. Its not that I don't want to, but if you read my "10 Things" post then you know that I'm very.....paternal. I always feel responsible and I must do the right thing. David teases me about it often, but I had certain expectations growing up and I haven't been able to avoid feeling like I should maintain the capacity to act accordingly if an unexpected situation arises.

I've been working like crazy because there is a car that I have my eye on. I know that my life will be exponentially more easy when I get wheels. Its one of the things that I'm shooting for by the end of January.

I had a great night, and its back to the real world for me tomorrow. I will definitely be doing this again.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Do I Say Something?

So, apparently the impression is that I am straight. I can see how that people would get that impression, but it seems like a large assumption to me. I just finished hearing my two housemates and a friend of theirs speaking in our living room. They were talking about the guy catching some gay dudes in his fraternity having sex. The way that he was describing what went down was slightly disturbing. I know that if my sexual preference was common knowledge that the conversation would not have gone on. But what's the point where I say something?

I'm 6'1'', 230. I can say without ego that the three of them together couldn't have taken me. I'm not angry, but I am curious as to why guys sit around and talk about stuff like that? Is there nothing else to discuss? I think straight guys have some obsession about knowing who is gay and who is not, as if somehow those of us who are might to plan to jump them in showers and buttfuck their brains out.

"Slow Motion" Karina Pasian

Friday, November 28, 2008

Been away.....

I haven't posted in a few days cause I've been running like crazy. I was trapped at my job all day tuesday, and then traveled home that night, then spent a bunch of hours with one of my brothers and one of my sisters; and I would make a real post tonite, but tomorrow I will be at work from......drumroll...5am til midnight. No, that's not a typo. If you are familiar with Black Friday, then you of course understand. It is the craziest shopping day of the year, and since I work in retail and am exceptionally good at it, I have been asked to stay the entire day.

I will discuss my holiday [maybe how my dad almost ruined it for everyone], my thanksgiving resolutions, and my new dating aspirations.

Monday, November 24, 2008

I Want My Body Back!!!!!

Yes, I've been jacked! What am I missing? A 6-set of abs, a pair of pecs, some ripped quads, and one smokin' hot bum. But I know Exactly who did it...or at least I have some viable suspects. Chef Boyardee, Aunt Jemima, Michelin's [who ever that bitch is], Stouffers, and Bluebell.

I have some leads on where I might find my body though. I'm gonna poke around the gym, produce aisle, the running trail at the park, and the salad bar at olive garden. I want my body back!

Sunday, November 23, 2008


In the vastness of the universe
there exists nothing more potent
nor poisonous, nor wonderful,
nor simple as emotion....

That's it for now.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

What Happens When You Don't Take A Chance?

I went out with an old friend of mine. I had a great time. I really hadn't gone out in abt months, just tied up with work and what not. We decided to go out to get some drinks and hit the clubs.

The night went well. While David and I were sitting in our booth a lady walks by me and tells me that I had the sexiest lips. HAHA! I had simply smiled at her when she walked by the first time, but I guess that it caught her attention... :? I kept checking my lips for the rest of the night. :) I thought that it was strange of her to say. I agree that my lips and smile are my best features. They are my money move. I am a big teeth person so smiles really do it for me.

After drinking we hit the club. We went into a place called Oxygen. I had seen it a bunch of times, but never went inside. It was NICE. It wasn't as packed as I imagined it would be but I still had a good time. I was standing by the bar and some girls were dancing on each other. One stops and comes over and starts grinding on me. I give her a little attention and her friend comes over and makes it a three-some. My buddy who is with me says that I've been getting all the attention tonite. I laughed. He went to the bathroom and I decided to be adventurous. Th girl who had come over to me was now alone. I pulled up a chair and patted it, indicating for her to sit down. Then I dicked her down! I gave her a little lap dance gyrating everything I own on her. She almost fell out of the chair, but I caught the back of it. The funny part was that I did all of this while holding David's drink!

We left a little after 1:30am. I had really wanted to dance some more, but there wasn't really anyone on the dance floor and my threesome partners were gone. I ended up driving home, hadn't had anything but an Incredible Hulk and a Long Island Ice Tea, so I was good. David was a little buzzed. We got to my place so that he could sober up before he went home. I did the thing that I do when I start asking questions, but had told me that the night was supposed to be abt me. He decided to ask me some stuff that was on his mind. I did my usual to steer the convo his way. He was sharp and caught on to my ploy. Then he surprised me. He asked me to show him my dick. Let me stop and say that I had known for a long time that he was gay and he is the only person that I had ever told that I was as well. He is probably reading this right now thinking of all the horrible things that he will do to me, but that's ok. The point of this blog is for me to have an outlet to speak freely and I owe it to you guys to be honest.

His request threw me for a loop. I had always thought of him as a cousin that you really don't see often, but you really enjoy. My immediate thought was this was his last stage of seduction. In my tendency to overthink I saw the night out sort of like a date. I ran through my mind that perhaps he had planned this. But then I also thought, who the hell would want to seduce ME?! Again the request to pull it out came. I didn't reject the request, I simpy told him that it felt weird to go that route with him. Now, nearly 24 hours later, after being at work all day and seeing happy couples, my mind starts to think, why didn't I take the chance? He's not clingy, or needy? I don't think that he would start waiting in my parking lot to catch glimpses of me. Why didn't I take the chance? David cited my tendency to overthink. I agree that I overthink and explained to him why, but he dismissed my answer. Thought I didn't show it, that made me angry. I was honest with him and he sort of wrote it off. I rarely explain myself to people, cause my thoughts are they either don't care of won't get it.

As I'm writing this my mind goes to razz's response to a comment I made on his blog. He posed the quintessential question of whether it [dating Jay] was worth it. And how much would he have to compromise in order to make it work. It probably turned out to be very little now that he's in the relationship and it's thriving, but I have the same thought going on in mind. How much would I have to comprmise to have a hook up with David? I have a Dick over Feelings threshold, and when I pass that I no longer feel like its E, but rather someone else that has taken over.

I always thought [and this will be SOOO corny] that my first time with a guy would be [sigh] special. Not special in the 'I LoveYou' sort of way, but something memorable that I will look back on at be able to laugh at. Had I did the horizontal hokey-pokey with David it would not have met my expectations. And if I'm looking at this unrealistically someone please say something!! But as I follow some of these blogs and browse others, I see relationships of substance proliferating. It makes me think, Damn, I could find a good guy who might be willing to date and be interested in what I think and what the hell I have to say. David had made clear to me that he's not interested in a relationship or anything that resembles such...but what happens when you don't take a chance?

"More to Life" Stacie Orrico

Thought for Today
Why take the road less traveled by?


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Well they're rich.......

What do Lil Bow Wow, Chad Michael Murray, Ruben Studdard, and Tom Brady all have in common....Well they're rich, but evidently they all look like me! At least that's what the face recognition software says. I tried the software [razz has a link on his blog] and my results were very interesting. It was very fun to look at some of the celebrities that have features that the program deems similar to mine. I'm just happy that Rosie O'Donnell or Notorious B.I.G. didn't come up :@

Thanks to AEK, Midorivergreen, Exalen, and naturgesetz, for their comments. I really appreciate everyone's advice, you guys are great! A special thanks to Razz for gathering some support for me. I am on my way because of you guys. I'm lonely Pt.2 Should be up tonite. I will explain my coming out plans, how I realized that I like guys, and why I still want to marry a girl!

Monday, November 17, 2008

10 Things About Me....Like you didn't know it was coming!!

Ok, AJ's boy Matt started this a few days ago. Then Razz over at Doin' me head in followed up with his ten [great blog]. I told him that he was going to start an epidemic of these "10 Things" posts, and I have seen them popping up everywhere since. So, though at risk of being a follower, I was compelled to start my own.

1. I was born and mostly raised in Florida. My sister and I both learned to talk at really young ages, but I apparently only spoke to a select group of people [see fact 9].

2. My parents were both engaged to other people when they met. They were friends for a long time before they started dating. My dad had a daughter and my mom had a son and daughter before they got together. My younger brother and I then came along, but I don't feel like ANY of my brothers or sisters are half-siblings. I never introduce them that way, or specify that we have different parents unless clarification is in order. So I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. That was easier to explain than usual.

3. I am very paternal. I am often the youngest in my group of friends, not by much, usually a year or two. However, often is the case that I am sought out when something happens to someone or advice is needed. I give health advice, relationship advice, etc. I particularly feel the need help people through emotional crises. It's just my thing.

4. I speak fluent spanish, and I'm literate in French. I absolutely love languages. I'm gonna try to study Japanese next semester at school and maybe German later on.

5. I'm really into sports [my brothers are huge jocks]. I wasn't as a kid, even though I played football [American], ran Track, and played Basketball. I now love it all, especially basketball. I have been told many times that I'd make a great coach.

6. I've been told I have a very nice singing voice, and despite playing other instruments I didn't realize that I had any talent until I got to college and taught myself piano! I was visiting my mom at work not long after and noticed a piano there. I thought that I'd try it out just for fun, you know. My mom thought I had disappeared to get out of helping her with something. She said that while she was looking for me she kept hearing a piano playing and even saw some of the staff listening in the doorway of the room I was playing in. She said that she had NO idea that it was me until one of the staff turns to her as she walks by and says [Mrs. E's mom] your son is really good. Is he classically trained? She peeked inside the door and was quite surprised to find that I was indeed seated at the keys playing. [true story!] I've played at several functions for her since :)

7. biggest procrastinator in the history of waiting til the last minute. Its not helpful cause I HATE being late. It enfuriates me to have to walk into a room and have everyone stare at me like I'm a fucking alien.

8. Apparently many of us are ambidextrous. My dad is right handed and my mom is left. When I was learning how to write I would use one hand with my dad and the other with my mom. My dad ended up forcing me to exclusively use my right hand, but I still secretly practiced with my left.

9. When I was a kid I wouldn't let anyone touch me except my mother, my godmother, and my sisters' godsister. That's it. Anyone else try to pick me up or touch me and I would run away or burst out crying. My mom says that people couldn't even look at me. LOL! Everyone still teases me about it. I don't know why I was that way. I think its cause I've always been REALLY shy [something my friends will adamantly deny]. My mom told me that when I was 3 yrs old my dad asked her "Can he talk?". She laughed. I could talk [real sentences] since I was a year and half. My mom said that I wouldn't shut up once she got me going.

10. I've been secretly searching for a movie/book/song that is sad enough to make me cry. I'm very much the opposite of how I was as a kid. I have absolutely no problem engaging people. I am still shy as hell, but I know how to mask that in order to initiate conversation or get information. I am very even tempered. I tend not to get emotional or excited [outside of music], nor down and gloomy. I dislike being hyped up and let down, I just don't let anything get me excited until that thing comes into fruition [I think the exception is hot guys/hot girls! That gets me excite everytime], but I digress. For some reason I just wanna read/watch/hear something that makes me burst out crying. My bestfriend insists that I watch The Notebook. I read a lot and love movies....there is some good stuff out there, just haven't found one that does it for me, something that completely has me bowled over. Suggestions?

Well, at first this was a difficult post. Then as I started writing I realized that I had WAAAAY more stuff than I could put in 10 points. It's cool though cause now you know a lot more about me!

"Thought for Today"
If love turns its back, do I turn mine?

Brian McKnight "Again"


Saturday, November 15, 2008

Can I Have Your Number?

Sooooo, I kinda flirted with a guy tonite. It started when I went on lunch, which was really dinner cause it was so late. I decided to go to this chicken place that I love and the cashier was this really nice guy [niether cute nor ugly, just a guy]. I ordered and struck up a conversation about some drama that ensued at the strip mall where I work while I waited for my food. He gave me a free drink while we talked.

After a few minutes he went to the back and brought my food out. So, then I asked "Can I have your number?" He paused and got all flustered [I think he blushed]. HA!! Then I was like "cause I want to call my order in before I come next time." He realized that I meant the number to the restaurant. LOL! The look on his face was priceless! I told him that the number was on the receipt and that I would give him a call sometime and then I left. The food was good as hell though....I hope he didn't put any EXTRA special sauce on it.

Sincerely Yours

To the One,
I'm sorry
I would have started this with dear
but I know these words won't bring you back
or could have made you shed less tears
I won't go into specifics
cause I know I hurt you bad
and though you may feel indifferent
just let me tell you that
I was scared cause we fell in love too fast
and I thought nothing that felt this good
was ever meant to last
so as you read this letter
just know my heart is in my hands
I hope things between us get better
Not asking for a second chance..........

It feels like all these stop short.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Uncertainty of Love

If all is fair in love and war
Is your heart worth me fighting for?
Inside there lurks an innate fear
Of losing all that I hold dear
You say love is patient, love is kind
But if love turns its' back
Do I turn mine?
And keep track of things asinine?

A toast to love and all it brought!
A hound, a pound
A soundless thought,
It's all for naught,
Or so it seemed
Until one finds a love redeemed

Never have I felt this way
"I'm in love!" you start to say
Tempest subsides, clouds retract,
A new sun shines,
The rain refracts,
Chromatic tact,
But flaws mark this plan
Condensation, irritation
You're hurt again...

Just wrote that like 10 minutes ago. Definitely not finished. I didn't even edit it I'm just throwing it up here, so don't be too brutal.

"post"-post edit...

You're through you say
"that's it for me
I'm sick of Love's uncertainty"

I was rereading and that part seemed to come next. Ok, now that's it for now...I think.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Halloween, Hoes, Hit & Run, and Horniness

So, it dawned on me that I had not shared the excitement surrounding my Halloween party. So it started with my friend and I [we were hosting it together] going to a party store. We bought a bunch of decorations and went to redecorate for the party. After spending an hour moving furniture, checking lighting, arguing over what music to play, and who NOT to invite, we finished and I went to Work. I slaved as work, trying all the while to be nice to customers while counting down to the party. Finally at 9:30 we were all done and I escaped.

We decided to change the location to my best friend Tiffany's house since it was easier to rigg up our stuff there. When I arrive from work she had everything ready to receive guests. I had gotten myself ready for all the party hoes [see previous posts for definition], but my friends had other plans for me. I had a so-so day at work and wanted alcohol in my system, so I had three beers, five shots, two smirnoffs and a tooter within 10 minutes of walking in the door. I received several strange looks from my friends, who seemed like they wanted to sign me up for the next AA meeting. I ignored them and slid to the floor. I like to dance, but I am painfully shy, so the booze helped me disregard the other ppl in the room. I ended up pinning a co-worker against the wall and grinding on her...there are pictures of it on myspace.....

I figured that I would just chill for the rest of the night and mind my business, but no, Tiffany had plans for me. She decided that she wanted me and the Valerie to hook up. So that was the plan, but there was a problem. Valerie up and disappeared. We went looking for her, and I kinda lost interest in her. Meanwhile the party was to get far more interesting as we moved to the breezeway outside and began getting uninvited visitors. We didn't mind though, there was plenty to drink and we even had snacks to eat. One guy was tore up when he got there, and as we were on the third story I was surprised that he even made to our party. He tried to push up some of the girls, but they weren't feeling him. Eventually he and Valerie started dancing together. They fell on the floor and somehow ended up with their pants down [don't ask me how]. Luckily Tiffany swooped in and stopped something Valerie might regret. She was so drunk that I doubt that she would have remembered.

I snuck out as the party wound down and called my little brother. I'm not really sure why I called him, but he and I are really close, so he talked to me as I walked back to my apartment [which is only across the parking lot from the party]. I knew that I had taken in too many spirits in a short time and I have a famously strong alcohol tolerance, but I forgot to eat so I could feel the beer and shots of bacardi and rum swirling around in my tummy. I laid down in my bathroom thinking that I was going to vomit, but nothing ever came out and I feel asleep. I woke up an hour later and heard lots of noise. The guy who had come to my party completely fucked up hit four cars on his way out of the parking lot. It turns out that he had taken 6 zanex [sp?], 6 shots, and smoked 6 blunts BEFORE coming to my party and consuming more alcohol. I don't know how the hell he did it but he made it home alive; too bad he lived across the street from my best friend's boyfriend's cousin. They reported the dumb fuck.

At this point I climbed into the bed. I was tired as hell from the party. Then I threw up. I was mad as hell. I spent two hours hoovering over a toliet in my bathroom and nothing comes, then when I get ready to go to bed THEN it happens. Luckily I had enough sense to lean over my bed. I grabbed one of the shopping bags that I had gotten from worked and made my deposit. Some of it got on my laptop bag, which made me pissed, but a trip to the washer cleared that up. I awoke the next day to "what the hell happened to you" talks from my bestfriend and her boyfriend. I told that I left to avoid sleeping with Valerie, but the truth is that I probably woulda hit that if I had found her...uh. The story also traveled fast to my job, cause the next day four co-workers told that they heard what happened and wished that they had come. I told them that they'll bring their asses when I throw a New Year's Party, but I was BS-ing.

So now a week after the party I have decided to find some one. I'm absolutely jealous of AJ over at AJ's ramblings. It sounds like he has a hot thing going with Matt. So now I am in the process of scouting someone for me, not sure exactly what I'll find, but I'll blog when I see him.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

It's Coming

Today my morning began quite early. For some unknown reason I have been waking up at like 8am every morning. Regardless of whether I have slept sufficiently, or set an alarm clock, or intended to sleep in, I have gotten up at 8. My day was fine until 2 hours ago. I missed the bus from my house and I don't have a car. My best friend is acting like an ass, and I hate my job. So, all in all it was a sucky morning/afternoon.

And I know what's coming. I know that very soon my bestfriend and I are going to have an argument. I also know that I am tired of dealing with stupid shit. I very nearly n the verge of yelling that I am bi, and don't give a flying fuck what she thinks, and I am going to be happy, either with a best friend or all a-fucking-lone. Usuallly I am very self-contained, I think that all adults should be. There's no reason to wild-out like you no fucking sense, but damnit I am angry.

Congrats Barack!

Friday, October 31, 2008

The First Person

Ok. So, here is the backstory. When I was..younger...three friends and I decided to get an apartment together. We figured it would be more cost effective than staying at school housing, so we got a great apartment and all moved in. We had lived together the previous year and kinda had a feel for one another. Before we moved in David and I bumped heads. I was sort of seen as the bad guy and we fell out. It didn't take long, but we got past that, moved in together, and we were content. Shortly into out stint as roomies we had a small get together at out apartment. Though I didn't realize it at the time, David was our resident party hoe. He could find a good party and throw one as well.

So, on the night of our party some people fell asleep on his bed, not wanting to be rude he didn't wake them. I told him that he was welcome to sleep in my room. That's when he began confessing. It didn't take too much prodding on my end. He accused me of already knowing anyway and it was true. I had a very strong suspicion that he was gay, but I figured that if he wanted me to know that he would tell me; then he told me. I let him know that I was happy that he felt like he could trust me with his secret and we talked for the rest of the night.

It was a new chapter in our friendship. There were so many things that we shared interests in [that's horrible grammar]. We love movies, music, and books. I remember many a night that we sat awake brainstorming how beyonce or ne-yo's next album should sound. Often we would give a play-by-play synopsis of that night's American Idol, who could be getting voted off, and why they screwed up. It was the best of times, so it was natural for me to tell him about my same sex curiosity. He wasn't the only person I knew that was gay [My sister is out], but for someone reason I trusted him the most. I think because we both understood what it was like to have a secret and not be able to tell anyone. My confession really sprung forth after I had moved out [dumb mistake] and we were chatting online. David was giving me the detail of a steamy hook up that happened with a common friend. As he was telling me the story a part of me felt like I had not reciprocated the same trust that he had always shown me. I remember typing "Oh no, now you're gonna make me confess..." I never knew if he suspected what was coming next. I told him that I had hooked up with the same guy [he was and is the only guy with whom I've done anything] a few months prior.

Well, let's say that it was WHOLE new chapter. It was the biggest secret that I had told anyone, and apart of me was relieved that I had told him. It was the first time that I wasn't worried that someone would use something personal to manipulate me. As David can confirm, I am very concerned when it comes to privacy. I was actually happy that there was something else that we had in common, something that linked us, that I could ask his advice on, or compare experiences to :} I had never told anyone before him, and no one since......except all of you.


I said that I would explain my history with David, and how he learned that I was bi, why I trusted him with my secret and what he said about my book and its still gonna happen. I sent him the post to make sure that all the facts are cool [I know they're right] and if he's ok with me telling....

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Ok, I have one foot out the door. No, not THAT door. I was referring to my front door cause I'm on the way to work, but I have a good friend that has started commenting on the blog and I wanted to explain. His name is David. I gave him my url, and some of the others that I follow. He responded well to reading our posts and he decided to start commenting. There is a great story behind the two of us. He is the first person that I came out to, the only person to read from my book, and my only real confidante, especailly since I'm really private. I'll detail how it all happened [after I ask him if its ok] when I get a chance....until then.

The Manuscript

So, I'm writing a book. I just the got the idea to write one four years ago during my freshmen year in college. I had a major setback however one day when my brother told me to turn on the tv and I saw a show that GREATLY resembled my manuscript, so I basically had to throw the damn thing out the window and start over; was not happy. So, I've spent the last two years trying to generate something, for lack of a better term, Fresh and New. I'm happy with the direction of the new story. The thing that has impressed me most is how much better my writing has become. I believe each state has their own version of a graduation exam. When I took mine in high school I received a perfect score on the language arts portion. I didn't consider myself a very capable writer at the time, so I was surprised by the results.

Now, I've kinda got 1/4 of the book into a readable build. I'm really having trouble with the ending though. I haven't really gotten there yet, but it has to be good. I enjoyed twist endings, or surprises that I should have seen but missed, that pop up at the end. Its probably why I love the Sixth Sense-type of movies. Surprises are great.

Initially I thought that I would post excerpts from the book, but now I'm having second thoughts.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Another missed Opportunity.

Argggg....I have had TWO opportunities in the last 2 days to come out to my best friend. Let me explain:

On Monday night we were coming to our apartments (we live in the same apartment complex and our respective buildings are directly across from each other), and some how we got to discussing the topics of penises. I don't like the word penis, so hence forth we shall refer to it as dick. So, she said that gay men have the biggest dicks, and I said, "really...pause...that's interesting." So, she asked me why is that interesting? And I said, "I didn't know that they had bigger ones than we did." Why didn't I say something like "I didn't know we were so highly thought of," or something "We just got it like that!" basically something other than "I didn't know that...blah, blah, blah".

The second was today. We were watching Iron Man on dvd, and we we talking about the prominence of superheroes in little boys' lives, and how every little boy knows abt Iron Man/Superman/Batman. Then she says, "You gotta be gay if you don't know who they are." I honestly don't believe that she said it to be pejorative towards homosexuals in any way, but it offended me. It was the first time that I was hurt by someone being negative towards gay ppl, and that it was MY friend made it hurt even more. I really wanted to say, "I'm gay/bi and I know who those guys are. I love sports. I'm not prissy, or sweet. What does being gay have anything to do with it?" I didn't say any of that, but I gave her the look. It's the face that I give her when I think that she's being dumb about something. We often have discussions about gay stereotypes [my sister's gay...and out...I'm proud cause she has more courage in her pinkie than I do in my entire body, but I digress...] I usually say that she's not being fair cause she is supposed to be a progressive minded person, and she should be tolerant of other ppl's choices. One day we had a discussion (what I call our small arguments) about gay people, and I said to her, "...and what if I was gay?" It was funny cause she paused for a moment. I think she was weighing the odds of me liking guys. She said that she had NOTHING against gay ppl, but she didn't understand it. I told her that it was ok, it's not meant for her to understand. I told her that I don't understand why she acts like a bitch during her period when she could just medicate herself and be fine. That made her laugh! But I got my point across.

The issue that's worrying me is that we are getting closer and closer to the truth. I've made one too many sexual references over the last few weeks, so now she is convinced that I need to get laid (which I do); and since we are having a Halloween party, she thinks that it's the perfect night for me to hook up with this girl from work who has been in love with me for two years. We'll call her Valerie. Valerie has made it plain that she has the hots for me. Last summer I had a "get drunk and pass out wherever" night at my old apartment. She was one of the ppl that were there, and we almost did something very naughty, but I couldn't seal the deal because i felt weird. On another occasion after leaving the club one night we were at her house and she put the moves on me, played with the doodle [what Josh from Alwayshard calls it] and what not, but my friend was in the bathroom and I did not want her to know that I slept with Valerie, so again, nothing happened. Let me make it clear that she IS NOT my type. I have a really nice smile, and I have a thing about teeth...enough said about that subject. So, we have just been friends since then.

Now, there is the issue of my pending Halloween party, which seems to really be happening this Friday. I was supposed to spend today scouting party hoes....I don't think that I need to explain what a party hoes is, BUT I will give a quick synopsis. A party hoe...coined by my brother and I, is a young lady that does not miss a party. The bitch be everywhere. If there is shit going on, then she knows it. Chick knows where it is going down and knows who will throwing the best shindig, so party hoes are useful in getting the message out to the public and convenient for the retrieval of sexual favors. End synopsis. This might be the most revealing thing on my blog cause only my tight-knit friends and my brother call ppl party hoes, unless its out there somewhere else and we've never heard it. My scouting was interrupted by having to go costume shopping though, so tomorrow I'll try before work.

Today's Thought
"What the hell is cruising, and how do I do it?"

"5:19" by Matt Wertz


Sunday, October 26, 2008

One is the Loneliest Number.......

....and I should know,
cause when I'm with you time just flies
but without you it goes slow,
and the minutes turn into days
and days become years
and it's hard to find your way
when your eyes are clouded with tears
so lie awake at night
tryna find a reason why
you let her leave at all

It's a feeling you never get used to
what once was there
is no longer next to you
and it don't seem fair
there was nothing you could do,
once love has taken control its hard to let go,
but its better to have loved and lost and then let it go
than not loved at all and never know
it's just a chance that you take
that might cause your heart to break
but eventually you'll come back for more......

I guess that this is another one that I hadn't quite finished. Quite truthfully its a song that I had written five and half years ago, but there was never any music composed for it as I couldn't play piano at the time. I eventually found a piano at my school during my freshman year in college. I could read music cause I played sax in middle school, so between finding sheet music and mimicking what I heard on the radio, I learned how to play. I'm in three years deep and pretty good. Comments, criticism, interpretations, etc. are all welcome!



So, I've been at work alot. Most ppl complain about it, but I kinda love money, so I just keep my mind on payday as I smile and pretend to be happy for the customers that come into the store. I am anxious cause next week I'm expecting lots of things to go on. I'm co-hosting a Halloween party next Friday, so I'm excited abt that. It'll be my first time hosting. I also plan to go out to a gay club with an old friend on the following night. He's currently the only person that knows that I like to double dip :) That'll be another first for me, so I'm kinda excited/scared cause I really don't know what to expect (or who I'll see).

I received some really encouraging responses abt my poem. I'm really surprised that ppl liked it. Its funny cause I've lived in South Florida for most of my life and I love the beach, but there was something about the Pacific that just did it for me. I was a sophomore in college at the time and I was having a career crisis. My father was pushing me one way, and I didn't feel like I had a choice. The good thing is now I know better. There is always a choice, it's just that some are harder to make than others.

"Today's Thought"
How do you get a guy to notice that you are noticing him, without others noticing?

Trey McLaughlin "On Calvary" on youtube


Monday, October 20, 2008

You Walked Outta My Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a job interview today. It was a group interview, which I've never had before. I tried to stand out without drawing attention to myself. I think I made a good impression. There was a guy there that was REALLY good looking. I immediately thought "Man, you should be modeling, NOT working here." It was cool cause I think that he's one of those guys that are oblivious to the fact that he's completely hot. There's something attractive about people not knowing that they're complete eye-candy and are probably being eye-raped by males and females. Oh course I didn't talk to him. I'm usually decent at spontaneous pulling a convo out of mid-air. It's kinda of important to my current job cause I'm a cashier and people always want to explain why they're buying/for whom they are buying it for while I'm ringing up there stuff.

There was a guy who already worked there that was cute too. He asked me how the interview went and I said cool. I wanted to say "it was alright, but you could make it better if you gave me your phone number." But of course I didn't say that. I just smiled and said "it was cool".

So, I have two roommates. One is deffo gay. I have a talent for getting people to confide in me. I tried to encourage him to come out, but he didn't go for the bait. I am ZERO percent interested physically, but I kinda wanna know. There's still time. The other guy is straight. He's cool too. He plays guitar and I play piano, so we were thrilled to get the chance to jam together a few times. He's teaching me to play guitar in exchange for piano lessons. His ex came over today and they had a fight that started in our living room and ended up in the parking lot. It was quite dramatic. She came over to get some of her stuff that she left. She was clearly miffed about something, but when he asked her she said that nothing was wrong (which is a whole other subject abt why chicks say nothing when it's something), but she was upset. So, his asking her what was wrong basically turned into a back and forth about why they broke up. He screamed that she was the one that walked out of his life. I kept thinking that a really good song is gonna come out of this, but I stayed out of it. When I see him I'll probably ask what went wrong, try to be a friend.

I think that I will do a "Today's Thought" section at the end of my posts. Just some random things I've been wondering since I'm new to all this. Maybe I can get some of you guys to give me some feedback; and since I am ALWAYS listening to music, even when I'm not listening to music, I'll also post what's currently playing on my computer or in my head.

"Today's Thought"
I wonder the likelihood of one of my friends or fam finding this blog and putting 2 and 2 together?

Playing: JRice-"One More Day" on youtube


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Two roads in a wood diverge and I....

....don't know which one I should choose and why,
like a knife, concise, this cut requires precision,
will I win, will I lose, decisions, decisions,
and do I dare disturb the current path
for in a minute there is time
but a minute doesn't last
like sand in a glass once stretched along the beach,
the grains slip through my fingers
time out of my reach,
I see castles, shores, a change in tides
a change of heart could change my mind,
plans go awry, the ebb and flow
won't change where I've been, but where I'll go
I struggle through currents of uncertainty,
waves of doubt wash over me......

.....that's kinda as far as I ever got with this one. I just started writing one day about my visit to California. I remember seeing the gigantic houses, and the pacific ocean, and then all of this came out. I guess I never finished it cause I'm still struggling through the waves of uncertainty, LOL. Maybe one day it'll be done.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Beginning.

I guess everyone's blog starts off mostly the same way. They either had random thoughts that they wanted to post and decided to start a blog, or read someone else's and became inspired. I just wanted to write someone a comment and was tricked into joining. Don't regret it at all.

So, I guess that I should start off with the requisite stuff. I'm bi/gay, so basically I'll hump anything attractive. No one knows. I intend to keep it that way until I am ready. I enjoy many different blogs here in blog-topia. There are lots of different subject matter that gets cover and I think that we help each not feel so isolated with our individual problems. I think that it's awesome for us to have a network, so that the vets can help guys who are just coming to grips with being gay. Love Alwayshard, Jason's randomness, and story of a boy....feel free to suggest any others to me.

I have a slight headache (which is rare) so this may not come out as eloquently as I had intended.

I am not the publicly simulated version of gay. I'm 6'1'', love sports, not macho, but def not pansy. Growing up a jock, with jock brothers, it just couldn't happen. I have a unquenchable passion for music, and if it were not for the pounding in my head I would no doubt be listening to something RIGHT NOW. Love, love, love books. I own a small library of books and ejoy reading new and exciting things. Love sports, big basketball and soccer fan. I enjoy traveling and learning different languages. I also, recently acquired a 'like' for fashion (which isn't a surprise cause of where I work). That's kinda it....ohh and I'm writing a book and will probably post some excerpts on here.