Friday, October 31, 2008

The First Person

Ok. So, here is the backstory. When I was..younger...three friends and I decided to get an apartment together. We figured it would be more cost effective than staying at school housing, so we got a great apartment and all moved in. We had lived together the previous year and kinda had a feel for one another. Before we moved in David and I bumped heads. I was sort of seen as the bad guy and we fell out. It didn't take long, but we got past that, moved in together, and we were content. Shortly into out stint as roomies we had a small get together at out apartment. Though I didn't realize it at the time, David was our resident party hoe. He could find a good party and throw one as well.

So, on the night of our party some people fell asleep on his bed, not wanting to be rude he didn't wake them. I told him that he was welcome to sleep in my room. That's when he began confessing. It didn't take too much prodding on my end. He accused me of already knowing anyway and it was true. I had a very strong suspicion that he was gay, but I figured that if he wanted me to know that he would tell me; then he told me. I let him know that I was happy that he felt like he could trust me with his secret and we talked for the rest of the night.

It was a new chapter in our friendship. There were so many things that we shared interests in [that's horrible grammar]. We love movies, music, and books. I remember many a night that we sat awake brainstorming how beyonce or ne-yo's next album should sound. Often we would give a play-by-play synopsis of that night's American Idol, who could be getting voted off, and why they screwed up. It was the best of times, so it was natural for me to tell him about my same sex curiosity. He wasn't the only person I knew that was gay [My sister is out], but for someone reason I trusted him the most. I think because we both understood what it was like to have a secret and not be able to tell anyone. My confession really sprung forth after I had moved out [dumb mistake] and we were chatting online. David was giving me the detail of a steamy hook up that happened with a common friend. As he was telling me the story a part of me felt like I had not reciprocated the same trust that he had always shown me. I remember typing "Oh no, now you're gonna make me confess..." I never knew if he suspected what was coming next. I told him that I had hooked up with the same guy [he was and is the only guy with whom I've done anything] a few months prior.

Well, let's say that it was WHOLE new chapter. It was the biggest secret that I had told anyone, and apart of me was relieved that I had told him. It was the first time that I wasn't worried that someone would use something personal to manipulate me. As David can confirm, I am very concerned when it comes to privacy. I was actually happy that there was something else that we had in common, something that linked us, that I could ask his advice on, or compare experiences to :} I had never told anyone before him, and no one since......except all of you.


I said that I would explain my history with David, and how he learned that I was bi, why I trusted him with my secret and what he said about my book and its still gonna happen. I sent him the post to make sure that all the facts are cool [I know they're right] and if he's ok with me telling....

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Ok, I have one foot out the door. No, not THAT door. I was referring to my front door cause I'm on the way to work, but I have a good friend that has started commenting on the blog and I wanted to explain. His name is David. I gave him my url, and some of the others that I follow. He responded well to reading our posts and he decided to start commenting. There is a great story behind the two of us. He is the first person that I came out to, the only person to read from my book, and my only real confidante, especailly since I'm really private. I'll detail how it all happened [after I ask him if its ok] when I get a chance....until then.

The Manuscript

So, I'm writing a book. I just the got the idea to write one four years ago during my freshmen year in college. I had a major setback however one day when my brother told me to turn on the tv and I saw a show that GREATLY resembled my manuscript, so I basically had to throw the damn thing out the window and start over; was not happy. So, I've spent the last two years trying to generate something, for lack of a better term, Fresh and New. I'm happy with the direction of the new story. The thing that has impressed me most is how much better my writing has become. I believe each state has their own version of a graduation exam. When I took mine in high school I received a perfect score on the language arts portion. I didn't consider myself a very capable writer at the time, so I was surprised by the results.

Now, I've kinda got 1/4 of the book into a readable build. I'm really having trouble with the ending though. I haven't really gotten there yet, but it has to be good. I enjoyed twist endings, or surprises that I should have seen but missed, that pop up at the end. Its probably why I love the Sixth Sense-type of movies. Surprises are great.

Initially I thought that I would post excerpts from the book, but now I'm having second thoughts.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Another missed Opportunity.

Argggg....I have had TWO opportunities in the last 2 days to come out to my best friend. Let me explain:

On Monday night we were coming to our apartments (we live in the same apartment complex and our respective buildings are directly across from each other), and some how we got to discussing the topics of penises. I don't like the word penis, so hence forth we shall refer to it as dick. So, she said that gay men have the biggest dicks, and I said, "really...pause...that's interesting." So, she asked me why is that interesting? And I said, "I didn't know that they had bigger ones than we did." Why didn't I say something like "I didn't know we were so highly thought of," or something "We just got it like that!" basically something other than "I didn't know that...blah, blah, blah".

The second was today. We were watching Iron Man on dvd, and we we talking about the prominence of superheroes in little boys' lives, and how every little boy knows abt Iron Man/Superman/Batman. Then she says, "You gotta be gay if you don't know who they are." I honestly don't believe that she said it to be pejorative towards homosexuals in any way, but it offended me. It was the first time that I was hurt by someone being negative towards gay ppl, and that it was MY friend made it hurt even more. I really wanted to say, "I'm gay/bi and I know who those guys are. I love sports. I'm not prissy, or sweet. What does being gay have anything to do with it?" I didn't say any of that, but I gave her the look. It's the face that I give her when I think that she's being dumb about something. We often have discussions about gay stereotypes [my sister's gay...and out...I'm proud cause she has more courage in her pinkie than I do in my entire body, but I digress...] I usually say that she's not being fair cause she is supposed to be a progressive minded person, and she should be tolerant of other ppl's choices. One day we had a discussion (what I call our small arguments) about gay people, and I said to her, "...and what if I was gay?" It was funny cause she paused for a moment. I think she was weighing the odds of me liking guys. She said that she had NOTHING against gay ppl, but she didn't understand it. I told her that it was ok, it's not meant for her to understand. I told her that I don't understand why she acts like a bitch during her period when she could just medicate herself and be fine. That made her laugh! But I got my point across.

The issue that's worrying me is that we are getting closer and closer to the truth. I've made one too many sexual references over the last few weeks, so now she is convinced that I need to get laid (which I do); and since we are having a Halloween party, she thinks that it's the perfect night for me to hook up with this girl from work who has been in love with me for two years. We'll call her Valerie. Valerie has made it plain that she has the hots for me. Last summer I had a "get drunk and pass out wherever" night at my old apartment. She was one of the ppl that were there, and we almost did something very naughty, but I couldn't seal the deal because i felt weird. On another occasion after leaving the club one night we were at her house and she put the moves on me, played with the doodle [what Josh from Alwayshard calls it] and what not, but my friend was in the bathroom and I did not want her to know that I slept with Valerie, so again, nothing happened. Let me make it clear that she IS NOT my type. I have a really nice smile, and I have a thing about teeth...enough said about that subject. So, we have just been friends since then.

Now, there is the issue of my pending Halloween party, which seems to really be happening this Friday. I was supposed to spend today scouting party hoes....I don't think that I need to explain what a party hoes is, BUT I will give a quick synopsis. A party hoe...coined by my brother and I, is a young lady that does not miss a party. The bitch be everywhere. If there is shit going on, then she knows it. Chick knows where it is going down and knows who will throwing the best shindig, so party hoes are useful in getting the message out to the public and convenient for the retrieval of sexual favors. End synopsis. This might be the most revealing thing on my blog cause only my tight-knit friends and my brother call ppl party hoes, unless its out there somewhere else and we've never heard it. My scouting was interrupted by having to go costume shopping though, so tomorrow I'll try before work.

Today's Thought
"What the hell is cruising, and how do I do it?"

"5:19" by Matt Wertz


Sunday, October 26, 2008

One is the Loneliest Number.......

....and I should know,
cause when I'm with you time just flies
but without you it goes slow,
and the minutes turn into days
and days become years
and it's hard to find your way
when your eyes are clouded with tears
so lie awake at night
tryna find a reason why
you let her leave at all

It's a feeling you never get used to
what once was there
is no longer next to you
and it don't seem fair
there was nothing you could do,
once love has taken control its hard to let go,
but its better to have loved and lost and then let it go
than not loved at all and never know
it's just a chance that you take
that might cause your heart to break
but eventually you'll come back for more......

I guess that this is another one that I hadn't quite finished. Quite truthfully its a song that I had written five and half years ago, but there was never any music composed for it as I couldn't play piano at the time. I eventually found a piano at my school during my freshman year in college. I could read music cause I played sax in middle school, so between finding sheet music and mimicking what I heard on the radio, I learned how to play. I'm in three years deep and pretty good. Comments, criticism, interpretations, etc. are all welcome!



So, I've been at work alot. Most ppl complain about it, but I kinda love money, so I just keep my mind on payday as I smile and pretend to be happy for the customers that come into the store. I am anxious cause next week I'm expecting lots of things to go on. I'm co-hosting a Halloween party next Friday, so I'm excited abt that. It'll be my first time hosting. I also plan to go out to a gay club with an old friend on the following night. He's currently the only person that knows that I like to double dip :) That'll be another first for me, so I'm kinda excited/scared cause I really don't know what to expect (or who I'll see).

I received some really encouraging responses abt my poem. I'm really surprised that ppl liked it. Its funny cause I've lived in South Florida for most of my life and I love the beach, but there was something about the Pacific that just did it for me. I was a sophomore in college at the time and I was having a career crisis. My father was pushing me one way, and I didn't feel like I had a choice. The good thing is now I know better. There is always a choice, it's just that some are harder to make than others.

"Today's Thought"
How do you get a guy to notice that you are noticing him, without others noticing?

Trey McLaughlin "On Calvary" on youtube


Monday, October 20, 2008

You Walked Outta My Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a job interview today. It was a group interview, which I've never had before. I tried to stand out without drawing attention to myself. I think I made a good impression. There was a guy there that was REALLY good looking. I immediately thought "Man, you should be modeling, NOT working here." It was cool cause I think that he's one of those guys that are oblivious to the fact that he's completely hot. There's something attractive about people not knowing that they're complete eye-candy and are probably being eye-raped by males and females. Oh course I didn't talk to him. I'm usually decent at spontaneous pulling a convo out of mid-air. It's kinda of important to my current job cause I'm a cashier and people always want to explain why they're buying/for whom they are buying it for while I'm ringing up there stuff.

There was a guy who already worked there that was cute too. He asked me how the interview went and I said cool. I wanted to say "it was alright, but you could make it better if you gave me your phone number." But of course I didn't say that. I just smiled and said "it was cool".

So, I have two roommates. One is deffo gay. I have a talent for getting people to confide in me. I tried to encourage him to come out, but he didn't go for the bait. I am ZERO percent interested physically, but I kinda wanna know. There's still time. The other guy is straight. He's cool too. He plays guitar and I play piano, so we were thrilled to get the chance to jam together a few times. He's teaching me to play guitar in exchange for piano lessons. His ex came over today and they had a fight that started in our living room and ended up in the parking lot. It was quite dramatic. She came over to get some of her stuff that she left. She was clearly miffed about something, but when he asked her she said that nothing was wrong (which is a whole other subject abt why chicks say nothing when it's something), but she was upset. So, his asking her what was wrong basically turned into a back and forth about why they broke up. He screamed that she was the one that walked out of his life. I kept thinking that a really good song is gonna come out of this, but I stayed out of it. When I see him I'll probably ask what went wrong, try to be a friend.

I think that I will do a "Today's Thought" section at the end of my posts. Just some random things I've been wondering since I'm new to all this. Maybe I can get some of you guys to give me some feedback; and since I am ALWAYS listening to music, even when I'm not listening to music, I'll also post what's currently playing on my computer or in my head.

"Today's Thought"
I wonder the likelihood of one of my friends or fam finding this blog and putting 2 and 2 together?

Playing: JRice-"One More Day" on youtube


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Two roads in a wood diverge and I....

....don't know which one I should choose and why,
like a knife, concise, this cut requires precision,
will I win, will I lose, decisions, decisions,
and do I dare disturb the current path
for in a minute there is time
but a minute doesn't last
like sand in a glass once stretched along the beach,
the grains slip through my fingers
time out of my reach,
I see castles, shores, a change in tides
a change of heart could change my mind,
plans go awry, the ebb and flow
won't change where I've been, but where I'll go
I struggle through currents of uncertainty,
waves of doubt wash over me......

.....that's kinda as far as I ever got with this one. I just started writing one day about my visit to California. I remember seeing the gigantic houses, and the pacific ocean, and then all of this came out. I guess I never finished it cause I'm still struggling through the waves of uncertainty, LOL. Maybe one day it'll be done.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Beginning.

I guess everyone's blog starts off mostly the same way. They either had random thoughts that they wanted to post and decided to start a blog, or read someone else's and became inspired. I just wanted to write someone a comment and was tricked into joining. Don't regret it at all.

So, I guess that I should start off with the requisite stuff. I'm bi/gay, so basically I'll hump anything attractive. No one knows. I intend to keep it that way until I am ready. I enjoy many different blogs here in blog-topia. There are lots of different subject matter that gets cover and I think that we help each not feel so isolated with our individual problems. I think that it's awesome for us to have a network, so that the vets can help guys who are just coming to grips with being gay. Love Alwayshard, Jason's randomness, and story of a boy....feel free to suggest any others to me.

I have a slight headache (which is rare) so this may not come out as eloquently as I had intended.

I am not the publicly simulated version of gay. I'm 6'1'', love sports, not macho, but def not pansy. Growing up a jock, with jock brothers, it just couldn't happen. I have a unquenchable passion for music, and if it were not for the pounding in my head I would no doubt be listening to something RIGHT NOW. Love, love, love books. I own a small library of books and ejoy reading new and exciting things. Love sports, big basketball and soccer fan. I enjoy traveling and learning different languages. I also, recently acquired a 'like' for fashion (which isn't a surprise cause of where I work). That's kinda it....ohh and I'm writing a book and will probably post some excerpts on here.