Thursday, January 29, 2009

I'm lying to myself

But there is a method to my madness....

In an effort to get back into shape and ready for Spring Break 2009, I have decided to tell myself some new lies. I have realized that the less that I enjoy something the less I tend to do it. This holds true for the gym. I can't stand working out. I prefer playing sports to stay in shape, but that option isn't as easily available nowawdays.

That's why I have been telling myself that I enjoy working out, so that I get into the routine of going; and it's been working. I've gone consistently for the past few weeks, and I feel it becoming one of those things that I reconciled in my head that needs to be done each day. I've already lifted this afternoon and I'm going back tonight.

I changed my away message on yahoo messenger to "April Approaches..." which is my reference to Spring Break. I'm choosing to go in April instead of March cause....well I just want to go in April! That's when I'm used to it, cause that's when we used to go in Florida.

Not really doing anything

The last few days have been predictably boring. Tiffany and I aren't speaking to one another, but I knew that was going to happen Saturday night. However, we've never gone longer than 2 or 3 days like this. We work at the same store and we completely ignored each other Tuesday morning. It's going to be very interesting which one of us cracks first and is forced to speak to the other. I'm too stubborn break the silence.

In better news I saw this cuuuuuute guy yesterday. I had left the store to go each lunch and was walking, minding my own business. I passed a shoe store close to mine and through the window I saw this guy in a green shirt. I went into the store just to see what he looked like. He was freakin' hot. I asked some girl associate whether they had size 13 in the store, she nodded so I pretended to look at some of the shoes on the wall. I think the three female associates were checking me out. I was thinking 'maybe a year ago you had a chance...' I was focused on seeing the hottie close up. I turned to walk closer to get a better look at him and when I turned there he was walking towards me. I kinda froze [which I never do]. We looked each other up and down. I didn't know what to do, so I kind of just left. I wish I was still wearing my name tag so he knew my name and what store to find me at, but I took the damn thing off as I was leaving so no customers would talk to me. And I forgot to smile [if you are reading this Razz]. ARGH! I will be going back in there tomorrow. Today is my first day off in a bit and I've been slaving for the last three days so I'm going to enjoy it.

I don't have anything else planned. I gotta go work out. April is swiftly approaching and I have plans to go somewhere with sand and waves.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

And I had the Audacity...

...To go back to the club!

Yes, David called me last night and said that he wanted to go back to the club from last week. I was over my bestfriend's boyfriend's mom's house enjoying Pollo, arroz, y sopa con carne asada. It was sooo good. Haven't ate like that since I was home in Miami. So, while talking to the mom, I got a phone call from David expressing his interest to return to the scene of my first kiss with a guy. I agreed to go, but I was concerned about what happened last time. Not with the guy, but with the girl who saw me. I had every intention to go and not to have a good time. Plus a large part of me was concerned over whether I would be seen again. I wasn't disappointed.

This time I actually saw the culprit who blabbed about last week. Lyn. She was there with two girls. One I had met before and one David knew. I wanted to throw a bottle at her from across the club, but I know Jesus; and my mom would have been disappointed in me. I did showed the big mouth female to David so that he could put a face on the shadowy hater that ran and told everything she could last week.

I felt kinda silly for coming back, but I had a plan this time around. Apart of me wanted her to be there again. I figured that if I was there, but had zero fun that her seeing me there proved nothing. Now, last time I made out with a guy and stuff. So, this time I resolved to stay away from guys, and overall succeeded in not having any fun. I really wanted to dance, cause that's one of my favorite parts about going out. I resisted the urge though. I did find myself bobbing my head or tapping a foot every now and then; but I refused to give in to the music.

I did have to turn down a night with Tiffany to go with David and Curtis. In fairness I had spent the last 3 hours talking to her boyfriend's mom in Spanish, so that she didn't have to suffer though it. The woman can TALK. But half-way through the night I got a headache and cited that as the reason that I didn't want to race Go-karts with them. I told them of my suffering [my headaches are rare, but painful] long before any additional plans were made. Apart of me really wanted to go, but I figured that we could do it another day. I did not like the reaction that I got from her, and we ended up texting each other back and forth until 2am. I was a bit disappointed for some reason. I never put any pressure on her to anything she doesn't want to, and it didn't seem like to me that she had returned the courtesy.

Chances are we are going to ignore each other for a few days. Don't worry that's customary in our relationship. Then she'll call me cause she wants to do something, or I'll start missing her, or she'll have a question. She used to call me Google cause I always have an answer. But I've been recently downgraded to Wiki, cause the other day I said 'I don't know'. Then I told her that her search yielded no results! We had a laugh. But yeah, I think we're going to church with her boyfriend's mother [who loves me! I'm so good with moms; just let them talk ;)]. And then we will start our week away from each other. It is just what we do in place of arguing.

In the meantime I have decisions to make. A lot of comments in the last posts made me think about this whole process. I didn't think that I would have to come to grips with dealing with so many issues with being gay so quickly. I want a boyfriend, but that search comes with much more baggage than I initially planned.

"Keep on Keeping On" by JoJo

Friday, January 23, 2009

The punch that you never see coming, that's the hardest one.

I was blind-sided today. I am rarely taken off guard. I like to know what's coming. It gives me longer to prepare my story, practice in the mirror, ready my alibi. There was no such preparation tonight, little forethought, and shock in amounts more ample that I care for. Let me explain.

I just stepped out of my bestfriend's car 5 minutes ago. We had our usual conversation that covered most of the events of the past week. I see her less and less, so there is much for us to discuss when we do see each other. We wove our way through the conversation and ended up in the rumors section. I made a reference about having fun at a club last Saturday and I sprung a trap. During a few seconds of contemplative silence she informed me that there was a rumor about me.

I would like to say "my stomach dropped" or that my "blood ran cold" but the truth is that it didn't. I was calm and collected. I maintain that my business is my business with people who aren't in my close circle, but realistically I expected that eventually someone would start something circulating about me. Tonight I wasn't disappointed.

Tiffany informed my that there was a rumor that I was seen out at a gay club last Saturday. Someone we know, a reasonably friendly associate of ours, said that they saw me, a short guy, and some shirtless guy hanging out together. I was struck dumb. I was dumber than dumb. I was Helen Keller.

I had spent a week fretting over whether Camille would blab about seeing me, and one of my own associates straight up was telling people. *Backstory* The girl was in love with my bestfriend's boyfriend's cousin [the one whose house we went to for new years]. She and I have a shared love of music, and she is very chill. She declared at the restaurant that we went to last Friday that she was going to become a lesbian because her feelings for the cousin were unrequited. I lauded the intrepidity of her decision. Her name is Lyn.

I, after recovering, laughed at the story. It hurt me to lie so blatantly. Ok, that's not true. It came to me naturally. I felt bad lying to my bestfriend, but the denial and a cover-up story spilled from my lips before I could debate whether or not to tell the truth. There were holes in the story and I quickly poked at them to make them bigger. Tiffany deemed that the rumor wasn't true because of the part about the shirtless guy. She didn't know anyone that I hang out with that seemed to fit the description. The truth was that they mistook Ben for a friend, instead of recognizing the reality of the situation. I was a little whore that night and I never really met the guy myself, but was flirting and making-out. I believe that Lyn might have seen that part and reported such, but Tiffany omitted it from the story out of deference for my perceived heterosexuality.

Other than that the story was dead on. Apart of it made me wonder whether Tiffany had found my blog or not. I had already hinted for her to look on google's list of blogs. Could she really have found it? That possibility and an extra memory popped into my head. Earlier when I was in the club I heard someone call my name. Have you had the feeling that someone, like your mother, has called you when in reality you had only imagined it? I had that sensation, but dismissed it. I figured that I was just worried because it was my first night out.

Now, I am in a very interesting predicament. I had my mind sort of made up to ask David to go back to the club with me, but I can't go now. Tiff told me that the cousin and her boyfriend hadn't believe the story either. She paused noticeably to give me a chance to confess. I think it is reasonable to assume that I continued to play my role. I came up with the lie that there was only one gay club in or city and I had never been there before. And since Lyn was drunk when she "saw" me that added to the doubt factor and my story was accepted. What is funny is that Lyn came into the store last night. We spoke briefly and she shopped a bit. She didn't even mention the club. I find that strange in retrospect.

I also think I might have not played my role as well as I could have. Like I said, usually I have time. Tiffany might have begun to suspect something. Now, I gott bring home a girl......

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Thank you guys for voting in my first ever poll. I re-posted the version of the prologue from a few weeks ago, but then I realized that I was being dumb because the new readers wouldn't know where to look. So, I added a link to the right that will take you to the original post where I put the prologue. Feel free to leave comments about what you think. I've been working hard to edit some more of the manuscript to post. As soon as my "editors" [my brother and my friend David] tell me what they think I will be throwing bits up here. Thanks again

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

If It Gets Around

I had two days off work. One of which was spent recovering from the events at the club. It was such an exciting/scary/learning experience for me. I never thought that I would have the guts to even kiss a guy. Well, that fear has passed. And as a special treat it turns out that I'm pretty good at it!

I am very grateful to my friend David. Although we fought, his actions [whatever their motivations] prevented me from committing some random hook-up. I was very clear that I wanted a memorable experience. Though reasonably cute, Ben was not the guy to bring into my bed for the first time. Thanks David!

It is back to dealing with my real-world issues though. As mentioned in my last post I saw a girl from the place where I work. It was clear that though we recognized each other, we would not acknowledge the others presence. I am mostly concerned about her opening her big fat mouth. I've been at my job since June 2006 and have not [to anyone's knowledge] had a girlfriend the entire time. Now, I don't think it's any of their flipping business what goes on in my personal life, but after a few scandals I am know how personal information gets around.

I'm not really sure what I should do. There gay guys that work at my job. She is the only gay female. Only one of the guys knows that I'm gay and I'd like very much to keep it this way. Do I contact this girl [whom we shall refer to as Camille] and tell her to keep our run-in to herself? Or do I play the whole thing as though there is nothing out of the ordinary?

I don't know what her impressions are yet. I was so absorbed into making-out that I didn't even pay attention to whether or not she had left the scene or not. Any advice?!

"I Come To You More" by Kim Burrell

Thought of the Day
"How of often do you play dumb?"


Saturday, January 17, 2009

I loved that F!&@ing Shirt

Where do I begin...

I've mentioned before that I wanted to go to a gay club, just to feel the vibe and also to get the curiosity out my system. Well, my friend David, a friend of his and I went last night. We chose the newest one in town, which neither of the two of them had ever been to. We got great parking and ended up right in front of the club, so we decided to do a little stake out and see what was up before entering. We ended up sitting outside for 20 mintues! Finally I went in to check it out for them so we could see if it was jumping or not. I walked into the door and there was this very short lady security guard who asked me for i.d. I politely told her that I was just checking the atmosphere out and had two friends that were waiting for me outside. I scoped out the scene: Bar: too small; number of ppl: deep as hell; and a throng of them gathered around a drag queen dancing to a song I didn't know.

So, I went back to the car and told them [in succinctly accurate detail] what was inside. David and I got out of his car and went to his friend Curtis' car but Curtis decided that he didn't want to get out. He wanted to go home instead. I had never met him, but I needed as much veteran support as possible on my first excursion. So, after some very deft coercion he agreed. As he gets out of his car, David turns to me and says, "You're good". I wanted to agree, but it wouldn't have been modest ;) As we approached the door I asked a young lady outside what it was like in the club. Though I had been inside, I had only seen unattractive ppl on the outside when we first parked. She said that it was jumping, but didn't know if it was my type of scene. I [because I love playing dumb] asked her what kind of scene was it. She told me that it was a gay club and that most straight guys probably couldn't handle it. I assured that I was looking for a good time, and if this club was popping then I would be ok. I was both intrigued and amused that she had assumed that I was straight.

So, we stroll into the club, immediately hit the bar and go up to a loft area in the back. We chill for a bit as we watch the Drag Queen show and as David and I point out who we each think is hot and those who should have not been allowed admittance. I must say that apparently, hotties only come out after 12 because after a bit we began seeing quite a few guys that I had to admit were really good looking. I also saw a guy that shops at my store periodically. I thought that he was a cutie when I saw him while I was work and it was a plus that he was in this club tonite. It struck me that he reminds me of Damian from MTV's TRL. In fact he looks very much like Damian but he was only one of sea of many fine mofos walking around at this point. I also must take this time to mention that there were several shirtless hotties walking around as this will be important to the story later on. There was this guy representing Gold's Gym. He kept walking past me. I thought he was trying to torture me with his banging body, like he was the ghost of homosexual-past or something!

After a corona I was ready to dance, which was convenient cause David had to pee [the first of 3 trips to the bathroom for him] and the bathrooms were downstairs. After doing his business we headed out to the dance floor. I'm not too familiar with homosexual culture, but apparently the DJ was spinning some ppl's favorite joints cause the dance space was full. I like when ppl actually dance at a club. It means they are trying to have a good time. I got a spot close to the mirror and started trying to create Stomp The Yard 2. While dancing, simply minding my own business, I look up and see this girl I work with. I almost went into evasive action and prepared myself to duck out the back of the club, but I was having a good time and wasn't going to let her mess it up. There were several straight guys at this club, and I had only danced with a girl so far. We didn't acknowledge each other, but there was a point where we looked DIRECTLY into each other's faces. I thought I was going to die. I somehow managed to survive though.

I continued to dance for a while thinking surely David and Curtis will join me in a little bit and the three of us would be silly and dance around. Nope. I was on the floor alone as they watched from the sidelines. A "slower" song began to play and I started seeing folks grinding on each other, so I fled the dance floor and I re-joined the guys and we kinda bounced around to the side. That was at least until some girl eyed me and beckoned me to come dance with her. I accepted and we danced. She kept rubbing against my stuff. I was sooo sure that she was trying to get me hard. I mean girl was pulling out all her tightest moves and but there was no reponse from downstairs. Nothing. I wasn't aroused not one bit. The song went off, we hugged and parted. I went back over to my friends and we danced and laughed. I felt the night was winding down and was content with my club experience. I had gone out and seen a myriad of spectacles and I had laughed and had a great time.

Then I saw him. I had seen shirtless guys walking around all night. I wanted to touch some, but I didn't. I could only imagine the freaky crap that I would do to them. Well as I was dancing, minding my own business, I was approached by a cute guy. He was white, 5'9, a buck-60, slim build. He had a drink and came close to where my friends and I were standing. He danced next to me for a moment and we danced together. I had never dance with a guy up until that point. He was off beat sorta, so I sat him down and gave him...a lap dance. He was pleased and then we started grinding on each other. I think I lost all sense that there were other ppl in the club. I was thinking to myself that this guy is just teasing me. I saw him on the dance floor earlier dancing with some guy. It was clear that the dude wanted to fondle him, but 'shirtless' wasn't with it. He strictly wanted to dance. So, imagine my surprise when he takes my hand and rubs it up and down his body. It felt too good. We dance close almost rubbing noses, then BAM!! He kisses me. Tongue, lips, saliva all melt into one as I make-out with this guy in the middle of the club. I could not believe it. So continue dancing and kissing, then he to put his hands down my pants. I had on three shirts to that was difficult to accomplish, so I helped him out a little bit. So damnit I slide my hands down his pants. I fish around a little bit. We break apart, gather fresh air into our lungs and we go back to dancing mildy. At this point my heart is racing. David grabs my arm and says, "have you done this before?" I shake my head and yell no over the music. I had no idea what I was doing...I mean I had some idea, but I am not familiar with gay hook-up protocol.

The guy and I get back to our courtship, then like some slut I ask him to come to the bathroom with me. He agrees and we go back there, but a HUGE security guard is watching the back door, which is open as ppl had ventured out there to seal their own sexual deals. It's only my luck that the damn bathroom and back door are so close. I let him go in first, afraid that the guard would bust us if he suspected something. I did follow after him quickly. We had a little fun in the stall [which had no door] and then I watched him take a piss. I slunk out of the bathroom because five ppl walked in at that moment. Back in the club proper we plotted out departure. I suggested that we go somewhere. He said that he would go anywhere if I named a place. So, I said, "what about my apartment?" He agreed to go with me once we find his shirt. We looked around for a bit, but no luck. So I told him that I would give him mine.

I took the topmost of my shirts off and told him to put it on. He did and I led him and David out of the club. Curtis had already made his way out and was in his car [parked next to us]. David realized that I was planning on taking this guy home, and was a little upset that I hadn't introduced them. The truth was that I didn't even know the guy's name. He gave it up [the name] easily and shook David's hand. David asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him that Benjamin [for that was the name he gave us] and I wanted to go back to my place. David suggested that he wanted to be a part of the action, but Ben declined. He said that he wasn't into threesomes. I don't think I was up for a threesome either, I mean it was slutty enough to bring someone home from the club after three dances and not even knowing their name. Ben's refusal seem to hurt David's feelings. So, being the kind, sensitive, knowing friend that I am; I told Ben that tonite wasn't going to work out. I told him that I had fun and if he wanted to exchange numbers maybe we could call each other. He was upset at my snub. I was tempted to ask for my shirt back, but I let him keep it. He couldn't find his and I felt bad for leading him out of the club only to send him back like some fish that didn't quite meet my expectations.

David and I positively had it out for the next hour. I was very upset with him. I can't say with certainty what emotion made him mad at me, but the fact that he was angry with me completely pissed me off. I rarely get angry. I read once that anger was a weak emotion and was often the cause of that which we come to regret most dearly. So, I tried to be in control, but I was seething. We got back to my apartment and we continued our fight. Part of me wants to go and apologize to the rest of the building, lest they heard us yelling at 4am.

This whole thing really surprised me, because I felt like he was making me the bad guy. So, I brought up how selfish he was being. Had I not turned down my first guy to instead go back home with him? Did I not just seemingly lead this guy on only to deny him at the last minute because the friendship between David and I was more important than some random dick at a club? On a night that I was to have my first experience, I gave it up because my good friend had left empty-handed. I cited these things as he grew emotional. It only made me more upset. How could he cry? Why did he constantly have to make this about him? Flashback 2006: David threw me a 20th birthday party. I am constantly uptight, and often branded as the responsible one cause I only take VERY calculated risks. That party was my night to get wild and silly. David got drunk and completely stole the show. He went on a very well remembered rant. The next day he apologized and threw me a second [make-up] party the following week. Do I have to tell you guys that he did the same thing again?! I actually wasn't even mad. I grew up as the middle child, and I don't terribly care for the spotlight so it didn't pain me. I know that that kind of thing is just in his nature. Now here we were in present time on a night that was again supposed to be about me and my going to my first gay club and experiencing all these things which were so foreign to me...and David strikes again. He actually pointed out that this was the first time in all our arguments, and we had argued frequently, that I was actually angry with him. I told him that he can mark it down as the one night that I was really upset. The one time I decided to throw caution into the wind and do something irresponsible.

Well, we reconcile, and I offer to take him home and just crash at his house because he had to be to work at 9am. I really wanted to stay home and sleep in my bed but I had no problem with the offered arrangement. David and his two roommates and I used to live together for two year. We know each other very well. I took him to his place and he asked me to show him my dick again. I was exasperated. My dick couldn't take any more teasing for the night. I gave him the same answer as before. He decided that he wasn't sleepy yet and therefore I couldn't sleep either, so we ended up playing and laughing for the rest of the night while he pretended to come on to me, while I spurned his advances. Admittedly there have been nights, when restless I decided to amuse my self by keeping him up, so I can't say I didn't deserve it. Finally around 6:45 he went to bed and I fell on the sectional in the living room. I had slept on it before because we had it when we lived together, and the damn thing is so comfy that it's easy to crash on. I woke up and one of my other ex-roommates and I watched an episode of House and then he took me home. I proceeded to rush to my computer to type this ridiculously long account of my first gay night out. If you've made it this far...damn. Thank you for reading. You now know all about my first real [sober] experience with a guy. A part of me is glad that I didn't have some random hook-up, but my dick is still mad at me for turning down much needed sex. What's wrong with me? My f*!@ing fingers hurt now. Holla!

Friday, January 16, 2009

I had my Straight Mask on

So, the last few hours of work were so sucky! I made a mistake and was being obsessive about it. My boss was soooo cool. He realized what I did and we fixed it. He knows that I am like a Samurai when it comes to work. If it's not perfect...Seppuku! He always tells me that no one is perfect and I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I can't help it. I have to feel like I got my shit together at all times.

The good thing was that afterwards I had a great night out with friends! We went to eat at this restaurant that had 2-dollar margaritas. It was so great. My boss and a guy from our company came too. They sat at a different table than us, but it was good seeing them outside of work. They are a bit older, so we let them talk to themselves for the most part. My best friend Tiffany, her boyfriend, his cousin, a friend named Marilyn, Valerie, and I all sat together and clowned the whole night. I bought me and Valerie drinks and we had a plain ole' good time. We had drank our margaritas and then this random waitress slides over to our table with a bevy of shots of Jose Cuervo for our whole table. We were thinking "What the fuck?! Random free shots?" and she explains that the drinks are from a gentleman named Jeff [our manager from work who had come], and we all look over to his table and he holds up his cup to us, smile on his face. It was such a great moement! So I suggest a toast and yell "TO JEFF!" and everyone repeats, then some random guys from the other side of the joint yells "To Jeff!". We roared with laughter and downed the Jose and went back to our convo.

Tiffany kept alluding to me and Valerie hooking up, so V and I decided to play it up. We kept pretending to kiss, and she kept putting her head in my lap and moving up and down LOL. We were just being plain silly. So, after the shot of Jose, a free Incredible hulk {which is Hypnotique and Hennessy}, and Painkiller (couldn't tell you what was in that cup but it was good) I was feeling much better about earlier. I wasn't even supposed to go work that day, but Jake couldn't make it so I filled in for him and then my boss asked me to stay. I also love money and I agree with the whole 'have it and not need it' idiom.

So, the night was fun. There were beautiful guys everywhere! I kept thinking that this was some kind of payback for something I did. Guys were everywhere, and talking and drinking, but I couldn't notice any of them. I had my straight mask on. I didn't even know it at first. I am accustomed to being that way in public; especially with friends. I kinda want to go back tomorrow night without those mofos LOL! See who I can pull.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I'll just go with his.

Kinda a boring week so far. Not boring in the sense that nothing's happened at all, but boring cause NONE of the things that I was planning came into fruition. I guess it would be more appropriate to call it the week of frustration.

I was going to buy a car from a good friend and she completely disappeared off the face of the planet last Sunday and I haven't heard from her since, so now I am still stuck with no car. Then the leasing director of my apartment complex and I not are seeing eye to eye over an issue stemming from October and I received a very official looking letter today, so I have to go in tomorrow and see what damage I can quell before this gets out of hand. I have to find a second job so that I can save up the extra money for my spring break vacation. I have been planning to go away in April so that I can enjoy my spring break. I was in line for a promotion at my job, but they are taking their time in announcing the recipient of the position.

Now, let say here that I am not an impatient person, I'm just not tolerant. Please allow me to differentiate between the two, because there IS a difference. I'm very, very patient. If there is a finite time span that I must endure, then I am prepared to wait the appropriate length. I can wait and wait, because I know that there is an end, eventually. I, however, am not tolerant. I dislike being strung along indefinitely. That is what this promotion crap feels like. I have done the work, I've put in the time, and though it might sound like I'm complaining, I am tired of getting a pat on the back! That shit can't pay my bills. T-mobile would laugh if I gave them a thumbs up. They want effin' cash. It does not assuage my feelings that I do more than my share of work with little, to no reward. HAHA, now I've gone into a rant.

So, as I tell my friends, "It's not the stress that gets you. It is the stress compounded upon stress compounded upon stress that does it. Tomorrow I have the day off. I am going to try to resolve most of my frustrations. I'll go to my leasing office to speak with them, talk to my boss about what they are [realistically] looking for from the person that is going to fill the open position, and call this chick once more about this whip. If any of this doesn't turn out like I mapped it out in my head then I am just going to trust that God has a plan for me that is a bit different from the one I had; then I'll just go with his.

That's What You Get by Paramore

P.S. The snippet of prologue is back up for the guys who haven't read it, and those who have too. I'm working on the excerpt that I'm thinking has the best chance to be posted. Thank you guys for voting! It really means a lot to me. Please feel free to post your comments about it. You can read it here

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I'm sworn to secrecy

*This should have been posted a while ago, but I just left it in my drafts...

For the first time in a while I cooked last night. My best friend Tiffany had been talking for weeks about cooking and we never quite got to it. I'm a pretty good cook and we've made stuff before with great success, so finally we went to the store and gathered what we needed to make dinner. Usually she handles the desert and I cook the main dishes. This time we decided to do a little of both. I made a stir-fry chicken and fettucine. Tiff made some mashed potatoes and peach cobbler. I made a secret family dessert and it was a hit. Her boyfriend keeps asking me how to make and I feel bad cause I'm sworn to secrecy.

So, we cooked again last night. I made something quick before I had to go to work, but it was pretty tasty. I always get excited about cooking. I used to do it all the time for my little brother after our older siblings moved out and our parents started working later in the day.

*Update on the book. I will be posting a new excerpt in the next few days. I got some new readers on the blog so I'm kinda excited about that and I think that it would be cool for them to get to read a bit and tell me what they think. I'm going to try to create a poll to vote on whether I should put the prologue back up. So, the people who read can let me know whether it should be re-posted for a bit. Typing about this gets me excited and nervous.

I'll also be explaining soon how I came up with my blog's title and how it all started

"T.O.N.Y." by Solange

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


I'm not sure what I should have done, but this is the scene: I'm at work. I see boy. Boy cute. I engage boy. Boy asks me where the restrooms are. I [personally] show boy restrooms. Now it turns out that the restrooms are locked from the inside, so I go and get the key to let him in. I open the door and he goes inside and looks back at me. I let the door swing shut. Boy does not lock door.

Now, I thought this could be the very opportunity I've been longing for. I just made up my mind to bust into the door and my boss calls my name! He asks me to come with him to the other side of the store. Usually I am very, very good at concealing my emotions, but I guess that I made a face because he asked me what was wrong. I quickly tried to play it off and followed him, but I knew I was barely containing my frustration. I tried to catch the hottie after my boss went away but he and his father were paying for their purchases and leaving :(

I am must take this time to mention that there are now 2 people that know that I like guys. I decided to tell Jake, the guy that I work with; he's also gay. I asked him about the encounter and he said that it depended on the signs, but after I told him he made one of those 'you f*cked up faces'. WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

"The Brady Bunch" by Jamie Foxx

Monday, January 5, 2009

The Real Me

My friend David and I had a very constructive conversation. I've mentioned him before because he's the only person that knows that I like guys. He came out to me two and half years ago, and I reciprocated that trust last year this time. Since then we've been closer than the two of us ever had.

David was over at my apartment recently [I was making him a cd] and we got to talking. Our talks are usually very constructive and honest. He used to think that I held back, but we've cleared that up. So, we were covering various topics when he decided that we should talk about me. Now, I must say that of all my friends the subject of me rarely comes up. That is intentional. I am very good at keeping people talking, which is probably why they end up telling me things that they would normally keep secret. David knows my technique and refused to let me employ it. He was clever enough to sense when I was trying to lead the conversation from myself. This ended up forcing me to tell him many of the reasons why I over-analyze everything, etc.

It was funny because a few times I answered a question before he had asked it. He was surprised that I knew where he was going next, but I was admittedly even more surprised; not at myself of course, but at the fact that he was prepared to ask what I thought seemed like a very good question, and they weren't linear in the sense that it was logical to come next.

He was very receptive and he had plenty of advice. It was both scary and refreshing to finally be the one that was able to let large amounts of me to spill out. I can't remember having ever done it for anyone. Ever. I told him about all the Me's that I play; and by that I am referring to all of the different "Masks" *AEK* that I wear. The masks don't necessarily signal a complete change in me, but they express the parts of my personality that I repress and the parts that I accentuate in a specific venue. So all of the things that I want people to see in me come out in respect to the setting I am in.

I do think that his perception of me changed. There was a palpable difference in how he viewed me as a person after our conversation. Not pity, but sadness for how much I hide behind these masks. He did encourage me to tell a few of our friends. I declined.

"Thought of the Day"
Does coming out get easier after the first person?

"Pressure" by Paramore

Thursday, January 1, 2009

So that's what happens...

When you take a chance! No, nothing truly exciting happened. But I did resist the usual temptation to sit and chill.

This New Year's Eve I was invited to my bestfriend's boyfriend's cousin's momma's house! His name is Ray and his family is a mixture of Puerto Rican and Panamanian and they made me feel very welcomed from the outset. I was already a bit infamous as "the one that spoke spanish". I met one of Ray's aunts two months ago and she didn't speak any english, so I blew the dust off the spanish portion of my brain and had a convo. It must have made an impact cause she told the rest of the family, so I kept getting the "le estaba hablando con mi hermana." So, there was much nodding of the head to confirm that I was indeed "the one".

So, in true spanish fashion I was immediately sat down and fed. It was sooo good. There was this grilled pork that tastes like turkey, some mixed rice, shrimp and salad. I had shots of fire water, which is basically 1/10 sprite and 9/10 Grey Goose; and 6 Coronas. Well after ingesting most of my liquid courage I was invited to dance. I tried to politely declined, but it's part of the family initiation. So, I pulled out everything I learned growing up in Miami. I must say that I didn't do too bad. I learned a few new things though, including the Bachata which was difficult, yet fun.

So, we counted down the New Year in great fashion and I got many, many hugs, and kisses on the cheek. I guess it was too soon to lay a proper one on me! I was however invited back again, so it seems to have gone over well.