Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I felt her up and she didn't respond.

We have very...anatomically accurate mannequins in our store. Today I had to undress one of them....whew! It wasn't the first time that I had done it, but it reminded me of how long it's been since I've undressed someone in real life. I had to put her in a dress. I wished it would have been one of the man mannequins! Also I got a very sneaky suspicion about a guy at work. He's very decent looking, a little chubby, but he has green eyes :) melt*

So, I've made it pretty obvious that I have very little experience with this whole guy thing. I'm not sure what the proper protocol is for a guy approaching another guy, so I don't really know how to "read the signs", but I keep looking for a hint from him that he might like guys. And this is the kicker: There are several girls in our store that have a crush on him! I'm actually trying to hook one of the girls up with him, but I don't think he'll go for it.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Half-Truths and Birthday Suits

Well, Tiffany and I had an important talk today. We've recently started speaking to one another again. Our overnight really alerted us to the fact that whatever had driven us to not speaking to each other had dissipated over the last four weeks.

So, today she texted me, telling me what she got her boyfriend for Valentine's Day [the gifts are awesome] and asked if I wanted to hang out. I accepted and we ran all over town and had a really good time just like we used to. I tried to force myself to tell her while we were riding, but I couldn't summon the courage. So, I just told her that I had something important to tell her at 7. After mucho shopping we decided to have dinner at Chik-fil-A. We ate in the parking lot. It was there that she brought it was half past 7 and therefore time to spill whatever I was holding.

So, I told her that I lied to her. She asked me when and I told her it was the beginning of January. It took her longer than I expected to piece the date with whole club ordeal and our subsequent fall-out, but she did get there. I confessed that I was really there with a two friends. I told her that I didn't come with the shirtless guy. He was simply standing beside me when that fucking snitch, I mean mutual acquaintance saw me there. She then asked whether it was a gay club, to which I answered yes. I believed that we were headed toward the heart of the matter now.

Now, I thought surely the next question would surely be "are you gay?" or "do you like guys" at the very least "why were you at a gay club"! There was nothing. I believed at that point that it was truly obvious that there was something wrong with the situation, but she didn't ask me anything. Now, I know my best friend. If she thought that there was more to it, she would have asked. If there was the chance that she believed that I was gay then she would have asked. It seemed like an obvious revelation, but I don't believe that she understands yet.

I can't say that I'm disappointed that the whole story didn't come out. I think I need to take this one step at a time. It was a very big thing for me to go back and be honest about lying to her. I wasn't happy about it in the first place and I wish I could have taken it back. Not only would it have saved us three weeks of being upset, but it would have also completed what I continue to evade. Telling my best friend I'm gay.

*Birthday Suits: Yesterday while we were shopping for Valentine's Day and she was looking for lingerie to wear for her boyfriend. It was then that she asked if I had procured a Valentine, to which I replied no. She suggested Valerie. I was turned off. Valerie and I are simply friends. I know that she wants something more but I am not willing to lead her on when I know that I can't ever be with her. She is not what I am looking for in a girl, IF I was looking for a girl. And currently I am not. I'm still trying to spot the hottie from the shoe store!

After looking in several places we could not find any under garments sufficiently sexy for her to wear, so I suggested that she go over to his house in a trench coat and her birthday suit! After a few seconds of serious contemplation we just laughed. I told her that there might be a draft, but I'm sure that it would do the trick.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I guess it separated us...

Had to do an overnight at work the other day. Inventory. It sucked. I did have an interesting exchange. I had to count stuff and the manager partnered me with my best friend Tiffany. She and I haven't spoken to each other in about 4 weeks. We had a heated exchange by text one night and haven't been speaking since. Fortunately we had to communicate last night to complete our task and our usual banter came back surprisingly easily. I'm glad to be on good terms with her again. We've had each other's back for quite a while and for me, not having my close friend in my corner was a bit painful. So last night was an absolute gift. We banished that rift that had lain between us and became friends again. Our ensuing conversation at having to work with each other was familiar and comforting and straight our funny. It reminded me why we became friends in the first place. We don't have loads in common but we get along great. Fantastic, really; and we understand and give each other space and deference. When we do annoy one another we just leave each other alone for a day or two and that displaces what ever made the other upset.

This time we just never spoke after our fall-out. I suspect she was hurt that I choose to bail on her. But I can't confirm it because we just decided to move forward. A large part of me wants to tell her about being gay. I never thought it was an really, really important topic before I lied to her about going to the club. She doesn't know I lied, but that doesn't assuage my guilt. I knew a few months ago that all this would either come out or separate us as friends. I guess it separated us.

I know it's my fault for letting it become the wedge that jacked up our friendship, but I didn't have the courage to tell her. Plus I didn't want to be judged, or quizzed, or trapped....que hago?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I Gotta Story To Tell

I thought a little while ago that I should explain where I got my blog's name from. Many of you have interesting titles with stories behind them; some funny, some personal, and other satirical. There's really no great secret story as to how I got my name. It's from a Biggie song.

If 'huh' and 'what' were your reactions to that first paragraph, let me explain. Biggie is another name for The Notorious B.I.G. He was a famous rapper from Brooklyn that was assassinated 10 years ago. Now, I am very tolerant of all types of music. As I often say to friends, I am the only guy that you will find the Jonas Brothers and Jay-Z in my iTunes. I have nearly 3,000 songs, so I'm sure that it is pretty clear that I love music.

Now, as a younger guy I was never crazy about rap music. My older brother listened to it heavily, which is most likely why I can tell you all the lyrics from 87.42% of rap music from '91 til about '99 [which is when he graduated and left home]. I guess I didn't like rap because there was nothing in it that appealed to me. I wasn't 'fuckin' bitches' and 'movin' weight' [selling drugs] back then. Still not in respect to drugs, and not much more on the bitches; the point is that the subject matter didn't appeal to me.

I'm not gonna say that I heard B.I.G. one day and was hooked, but there was something different about his lyrics. I liked the way he rapped. His lyrics weren't much less mysogynistic than the others, but his music was prolific. He was like an old bard singing tales in a tavern. There was a story behind the music. That's what he brought each time I heard one of his songs. It wasn't simply clever rhymes and looping 808's. There was substantive subject matter, however mysogynistic the lyrics were.

There is one song in particular that illustrates this point the best. It's title, as I am sure in your astuteness you have gleaned is "I Got A Story To Tell". It's a chorus-less recount of a night spent with a seemingly wealthy woman. After sexual intercourse, he discovers the woman is really the wife of an NBA athlete. The man returns home early and the protagonist [if I may as bold to call him such] is faced with the difficult task of extricating himself from the situation. After which he calls his boys and declares that he 'got a story to tell.'

I guess it would make sense to make this the song of the day
"I Got A Story To Tell" by Notorious B.I.G.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Oh no you don't!

You will not get sick on me, body. I refuse to let that happen. I have trusted you to retain your fortitude against communicable disease during this time of rampant germ exchange. I can not afford to get sick. I am juggling three-too-many flaming torches to fall prey to disease right now. So, man up, get your shit together, and let's get back to the game plan. Work 'til it hurts.

I needed to give me a pep talk. Everyone is getting sick and it's kind of an inconvenient time. I know there's really no 'good time' to get sick, but it's really not practical at this point. I have too many things happening, and too much responsibility to deal with.

Other than what feels like my body succumbing to sickness, nothing much has changed. Today is Valerie's birthday. I sent her a text a few hours ago to say happy birthday. That was around 5am though, so I doubt that she's awake. It sucks cause she's really ill. We had planned to celebrate her birthday, but last night we talked on the phone and it didn't sound as though she was gonna get better soon, so I suggested that we reschedule. She is also my prime suspect for what I feel could be a cold of my own, which is why I have been awake for two full hours trying to fight this off before it turns to a full blown anything. Two February's ago I let my little brother wear my favorite hoodie cause he forgot to wear a jacket and the temp dropped twenty degrees. He wasn't feeling well and I didn't want him to become worse, so of course I gave up my warmth for him. He rewarded me by sticking his used tissue in the hoodie pockets. I got back to school and found the tissue. I was bed ridden for three days as a result. I love the little monkey, but that was just wrong. I now kindly ask him to remove any diseased objects after wearing my clothes.

Friday, February 6, 2009

She noticed...

True to my word I have managed to continue going to the gym. I was getting dressed to go to tonite while on the phone with my brother and he told me he was proud of me. He, for some reason, had it in his head that I was going to workout a few times and then give up. I believe that he realized tonite that I was serious about getting ready for April.

In other news, today at work one of the girls that fancies me asked whether I had been working out. I had been checking myself out earlier in the mirror and thought that the effects of the gym were finally becoming noticeable through my clothes. So I was thrilled that she noticed. I confirmed that I had been in the gym and she gave my bicep a squeeze. I was really happy to have some one notice.

I have absolutely no attraction to her. She's a cool chick, a few years older than me. I feel bad because I'm always flirting with her and asking her to just give me a chance. She suggested that we go see 'Taken' together. I was mortified. I didn't say yes, but I realized that the flirting must stop. I definitely didn't want to heighten her anticipation for what we could never be. I do quite a bit of flirting, just not with the right people. A good song came on from our store soundtrack and I wanted to dance. So, just started grinding my junk against another one of the female associates at the register ;o. She told me not to start something I can't finish. LMAO! The two of us started working there on the same day three years ago and we are good friends. My friend David is actually the one that got me the job there. He called in a favor from a friend and got me an interview. I was really anxious, but I knew once I got into the room that I would get the job. I usually interview very well and that was no exception. Thanks D!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Unable to cope with complete homosexuality...

A small post before I go to the gym. I've been at work since 9am. Just left and 9:30..PM....I love money, I love money, I love money.

Ok. I got a little frustrated. I mentioned my gay coworker before...well there are three of them, but the one that I interact with most. His name is Jake. We talked for a bit today. We usually take turns sharing stories and asking questions. Today he asked me what I consider myself. He has asked me this before by text message one night. I told him African-American, 6'1", 220lbs. He laughed, but I knew what he meant. He wanted me to describe what was my specific orientation.

Today he asked the same question. I told him that I wasn't sure what I classified myself as. If I see someone attractive, irrespective of gender, then I think they are attractive. Why is that not answer enough?! Of course, he says that I have to like one sex better than the other. I told him that's its about 50/50, but I could see he wasn't satisfied with that answer.

This why I kept this whole thing to myself in the first place!!!!! I didn't want someone to do exactly what he intended to, which is try to force me to choose between girls and boys. And it feels like to me that the question is a trap anyway. If I say I like girls more, then he will just assume that liking boys is just experimental college phase that I will eventually dump in favor of being straight; and if I say I like boys more then the assumption is that I'm really gay but hanging on to the thought of liking girls because I am unable to cope with complete homosexuality.

I despise this question and from here forth refuse to answer it unless I feel like it is a genuine question with no hidden attempt to categorize me.

I'm still in my Vegas Skies moment as I love the song and will be buying it from iTunes shortly. But if I had to select a song, then I would chose.... Million Ways by J. Rice. He's an excellent vocalist. My favorite song by him is One More Day, absolutely amazing lyrics. I guess that's enough of me gushing over music. If this is just an terrible part of my posts that you guys ignore just say so and I'll stop the song of the day. But I kinda enjoy doing it. I guess I'll post a poll!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

So after a few weeks

I am seeing things that I haven't seen in a while. Namely muscle groups that I had allowed to wan into nothingness. My dedication is actually paying off. That's great cause it gives me more motivation.

In other news...I went BACK to the gay club last night! But I'm relatively sure no one saw me. That's because I didn't go in. David, Curtis and I decided to travel back to the club last night. David got to the doors first. I saw him open them walk in and come back out. My first thought was 'Oh no, he forgot something.' But he shook his head and informed us that no one was inside. I thought that was impossible, the club had been open scarcely a month. But when I peeked my head inside I saw that he had not been embellishing. There were about 15 people inside the building. It was laughable.

So, we drove around trying to think of other places that we could go, but at that point I think we all knew that we'd be going home. After driving for a bit we found ourselves back in front of the gay club. I was elected to scope out the scene to see if maybe some people had arrived. So as I peeked in the door I had to control a fit of laughter bubbling up. I jumped back in the car and informed the guys that were even less people in there now, then when we looked the first time. That officially ended our night.

On a music tip, cause I'm obsessed with music, I have discovered The Cab. The lead vocalist is quite talented. He's sounds a bit like Gavin Degraw and the lead singer from Coheed and Cambria. I spent most of last night listening to their debut album. They have lots of potential. I really like their song Vegas Skies