What's wrong with me?

So, I've got it bad. Ever since I've began to come to grips with actually liking guys and wanting to date them I have begun to suspect every good looking guy might be gay. I don't know what is the norm with self-revelatory experiences, but {and please keep in mind that I'm lonely} I keep meeting guys and dying to know whether they are gay or being nice. I'm not sure where this is stemming from, but I keep checking ring fingers, mannerisms, length of eye contact and who they are with to see if there is the potential that the individual might be into guys.
For example, I was at work today. I was folding a table of shirts that had been massacred. A guy had come up to my table and we started a casual conversation. After several laughs I look down and see a ring on his finger. I was hoping that he just arbitrarily wore a ring on his left hand-fourth finger; then his damn wife rolls up. This made me upset. I wanted to say "bitch, do you not see us talking! I know you got more shopping to do."
This is why next week I am going to a gay club. I was waiting until a friend of mine could find the time to take me, but I don't have the tolerance to wait any longer. I have to meet someone before I shrivel and die. I suspect that I am close to getting a girlfriend and that actually makes me sorta mad. There is this girl named Jillian and she's alright, but really not what I'm looking for at the current moment.

Thought of the Day
Isn't flirting a way of making your intentions obvious?

Song
"Meant to Live" by Switchfoot

Yikes!! Over budget....

So, I went shopping today and I thiiiiiiiiiiiink I went over budget. I was trying to stay under $250 for my siblings and my niece and ended up spending 265 dollars. But the worst part was that most of it was for me :{ I bought a blazer, too button ups, 2 pair of jeans [one for my little brother], 4 thermals [2 for my little brother], 3 t-shirts, a pack of socks, a pair of suede-like dress pants, 2 boxers, an argyle vest, and a fur lined hoodie. Tomorrow I'm buying some $70 shoes that I like. What the hell happened to me? My mom told me that I should stop buying clothes. It's funny cause my closest is full and I only have a third of my clothes at my apartment! My little brother [spoiled] and little sister [who is in actuality 22 months older than me, also spoiled] gifts are done. Now, it's my two nieces and older brother and oldest sister's turns. Then my best friend and I'm done!

This will not be up for long...

It's a short prologue for my book that I am writing. I don't plan on leaving it up very long, but I thought I'd throw it up here for a bit.


"It's 500 years before Christ. I know because I've already seen his face. I've seen the masses rally around him. I've seen ancient allies go to war and cities that stood for centuries fall, only for new ones to rise in their place. I've seen Rome looted and burned. Those are only some of the things my dreams show me that could come to pass; and I do dream such things. My dreams are the source of my trouble. For there are those that would put their very kingdoms on the line to see what I see, to know what I know. But they wouldn't understand the dreams, because at first I didn't understand either....."

So, I know I'm posting less and less, but that's not because I'm not on. I'm still commenting and reading some very good stuff. I simply find that I have less and less to say as my life spirals into the obscurity of complete and utter boredom.

I do have one story. It's not terribly funny, its kinda rude I guess. There is this gay guy at my job, cool dude. I sent him a text message while he was out of town and told him that I had something important to tell him. It was my plan to come out to him. I don't know why him. I guess it would be easier cause he's gay, but I don't know whether he has a big mouth or not. Well, today as I was getting ready to leave I started thinking whether or not it hurts to take it up the rear. Having never done it, nor attempted to place anything up my rear for that matter, I was in my opinion understandibly curious. So, I asked him. He avoided me for a few minutes, but then said that it depends on who you are. So, THEN I asked what he meant by "who you are"? Was that supposed to mean if you're swinging a bat then you can hurt somebody? Our conversation was interrupted by a female associate and he took the chance to disappear.

Thought for the Day
"What kind of different things can you fit in an asshole? [no confessions necessary]

Song
Without [interlude] & Can U Help Me by Usher

Somethings Never Change

So, my old roommates convinced me to go out tonite. I'm just getting back and it is 4am. Can I say that I had a really good time with them. They showed up at my job at 11:30. I had to count the money, so I was running a little behind. I honestly wasn't expecting them to come so soon, but I knocked the money stuff out and jumped in the truck. I have had very limited interaction since I moved out of our collective apartment when I lease ended in May 07. It took all of....36 seconds for me to realize that nothing had changed. The dynamic between each of us was still the same. It was relief for me to realize that they were the same guys that I had met 3 1/2 years ago. I guess some things never change.

So, we went club hopping. I guess we really only hopped once cause the second club was live as hell. I had told them that I had never been there and so we went. It was a good choice too cause the DJ was spinning some good stuff and people were dancing. The previous club was filled with drunk soldiers who had wandered off base for a deserved break. We went in and it didn't take us long to get swept up in the dancing. Now I usually don't dance. Not cause I can't [cause I can BREAK IT DOWN if necessary] but because I really don't feel moved to dance when 87.23% of the club is just standing on the wall watching the dance floor. The people here were moving. I got caught up to say the least; it didn't take long for me to start pulling out everything that I could replicate from Stomp The Yard. It was a good time. Th thought to scope out someone barely crossed my mind. I did see a hottie in some Timbs that caught my eye, but I disregarded it cause I didn't think that there was any interest. On a high note there was this HOT asian girl. I didn't see her until the damn club was closing. She was in a yellow dress....{shakes head}...I pointed her out to one of the roomies and our collective jaws dropped. She looked our way and I turned my head quickly. It was a punk move that I normally don't fall prey to, but she was that good looking. So, I'm a big guy I guess {In my mind I'm still 5'3 125} and she grabbed the back of the hoodie I was wearing so that she could make it out of the club. I thought it would be the gentlemen thing to help, so I grabbed her hand and led her out! We nearly made it to the street together, but her friend grabbed her other hand and said "girl, you can't go home with him." I wanted to say, "yes the hell she can!" but I gave her a smile and joined my boys out front. It wasn't a big deal, but it felt good all the same.

I admitted to David, who is one of my old roommates that moving out was one of the biggest mistakes that I had ever [and I mean in my life} made. I told the other two guys tonite while we were waiting in Krystals for their orders. They reciprocated the feeling. They actually told me that they missed me first, and that prompted me to admit that I wished that I had never broken us up. We agreed that if we found a four bedroom that we'd move in together again as soon as the chance presents itself.

It was an awesome night overall. The relationship between David and me hadn't changed either. We were arguing before the night was over. The other two didn't know because we argued in Travis' truck while they were inside Krystals ordering their food. Alcohol does something to him that not so great. Our years together taught me that, so I ignored some of his disparaging comments. I know once he barfed or pissed the booze out then he'd be good again. He also nearly out me to my fourth roomie (his name is T) at the club. He leaned in and yells "Are you into light skinned guys?!" I really didn't hear him, but I guess he realized that T was in VERY close proximity and that he had said it too loud. He started apologizing, but T either didn't hear it, didn't understand, or disregarded it. I'm hoping for a mixture of all three. I didn't sweat it though. It registered after a second what he had asked me and I answered him.

I ended up driving us to Krystals, then to my place to drop me off. I was the official designated driver when we stayed together. Both because I held liquor the best and because I rarely drink. Its not that I don't want to, but if you read my "10 Things" post then you know that I'm very.....paternal. I always feel responsible and I must do the right thing. David teases me about it often, but I had certain expectations growing up and I haven't been able to avoid feeling like I should maintain the capacity to act accordingly if an unexpected situation arises.

I've been working like crazy because there is a car that I have my eye on. I know that my life will be exponentially more easy when I get wheels. Its one of the things that I'm shooting for by the end of January.

I had a great night, and its back to the real world for me tomorrow. I will definitely be doing this again.

Do I Say Something?

So, apparently the impression is that I am straight. I can see how that people would get that impression, but it seems like a large assumption to me. I just finished hearing my two housemates and a friend of theirs speaking in our living room. They were talking about the guy catching some gay dudes in his fraternity having sex. The way that he was describing what went down was slightly disturbing. I know that if my sexual preference was common knowledge that the conversation would not have gone on. But what's the point where I say something?

I'm 6'1'', 230. I can say without ego that the three of them together couldn't have taken me. I'm not angry, but I am curious as to why guys sit around and talk about stuff like that? Is there nothing else to discuss? I think straight guys have some obsession about knowing who is gay and who is not, as if somehow those of us who are might to plan to jump them in showers and buttfuck their brains out.



Song
"Slow Motion" Karina Pasian