Friday, January 23, 2009

The punch that you never see coming, that's the hardest one.

I was blind-sided today. I am rarely taken off guard. I like to know what's coming. It gives me longer to prepare my story, practice in the mirror, ready my alibi. There was no such preparation tonight, little forethought, and shock in amounts more ample that I care for. Let me explain.

I just stepped out of my bestfriend's car 5 minutes ago. We had our usual conversation that covered most of the events of the past week. I see her less and less, so there is much for us to discuss when we do see each other. We wove our way through the conversation and ended up in the rumors section. I made a reference about having fun at a club last Saturday and I sprung a trap. During a few seconds of contemplative silence she informed me that there was a rumor about me.

I would like to say "my stomach dropped" or that my "blood ran cold" but the truth is that it didn't. I was calm and collected. I maintain that my business is my business with people who aren't in my close circle, but realistically I expected that eventually someone would start something circulating about me. Tonight I wasn't disappointed.

Tiffany informed my that there was a rumor that I was seen out at a gay club last Saturday. Someone we know, a reasonably friendly associate of ours, said that they saw me, a short guy, and some shirtless guy hanging out together. I was struck dumb. I was dumber than dumb. I was Helen Keller.

I had spent a week fretting over whether Camille would blab about seeing me, and one of my own associates straight up was telling people. *Backstory* The girl was in love with my bestfriend's boyfriend's cousin [the one whose house we went to for new years]. She and I have a shared love of music, and she is very chill. She declared at the restaurant that we went to last Friday that she was going to become a lesbian because her feelings for the cousin were unrequited. I lauded the intrepidity of her decision. Her name is Lyn.

I, after recovering, laughed at the story. It hurt me to lie so blatantly. Ok, that's not true. It came to me naturally. I felt bad lying to my bestfriend, but the denial and a cover-up story spilled from my lips before I could debate whether or not to tell the truth. There were holes in the story and I quickly poked at them to make them bigger. Tiffany deemed that the rumor wasn't true because of the part about the shirtless guy. She didn't know anyone that I hang out with that seemed to fit the description. The truth was that they mistook Ben for a friend, instead of recognizing the reality of the situation. I was a little whore that night and I never really met the guy myself, but was flirting and making-out. I believe that Lyn might have seen that part and reported such, but Tiffany omitted it from the story out of deference for my perceived heterosexuality.

Other than that the story was dead on. Apart of it made me wonder whether Tiffany had found my blog or not. I had already hinted for her to look on google's list of blogs. Could she really have found it? That possibility and an extra memory popped into my head. Earlier when I was in the club I heard someone call my name. Have you had the feeling that someone, like your mother, has called you when in reality you had only imagined it? I had that sensation, but dismissed it. I figured that I was just worried because it was my first night out.

Now, I am in a very interesting predicament. I had my mind sort of made up to ask David to go back to the club with me, but I can't go now. Tiff told me that the cousin and her boyfriend hadn't believe the story either. She paused noticeably to give me a chance to confess. I think it is reasonable to assume that I continued to play my role. I came up with the lie that there was only one gay club in or city and I had never been there before. And since Lyn was drunk when she "saw" me that added to the doubt factor and my story was accepted. What is funny is that Lyn came into the store last night. We spoke briefly and she shopped a bit. She didn't even mention the club. I find that strange in retrospect.

I also think I might have not played my role as well as I could have. Like I said, usually I have time. Tiffany might have begun to suspect something. Now, I gott bring home a girl......


Doug said...

So if you had a chance to go back and actually had time to debate what to tell Tiffany... would you have told her the same lie or would you have came out to her?

Being in the closet sucks... I had a close call today too.

E said...

I think I would tell her the truth. She deserves it.

DieseljockNYC said...

I think she does too.

Doug said...

I hope that you will find an opportunity to tell her then. How do you think she will react once you tell her?

Razz said...

she's your best friend. you will just make it worse if you keep lying to her. and like what you said above, she deserves the truth.


aron2631 said...

its a bitch to live a lie.

Mr. HCI said...

Like others have already said, she's your best friend. In addition, girls are often more accepting of gay guys than straight guys are. In other words, less likely to freak out.

Did she seem bothered by the rumor? Or, possibly, inquisitive?

Living a lie does, indeed, suck.

As for going back to the club: anything you do that involves another guy puts you at risk. Being seen at the movies or grabbing a bite to eat can easily put thoughts in people's heads.

So, you need to think about whether you really want to continue living the lie and never go back to the club or even on a clandestine date.

I know, it sucks.

Alternately, you could move to a city with a bigger gay population where folks are more accepting, bars are more plentiful and, most importantly, guys are more plentiful!

I'm honestly not trying to pressure you but just keep in mind that a city with a huge gay population is in your state, already.

Ryan said...

I don't think your cover-up worked as well as you think. It's a touchy subject to "accuse" someone of being gay if you don't know for sure, so your best friend would likely see your defensiveness and decide to accept it for your sake. If she knows you well she could probably sense that you were talking your way out of something, and she knew that pushing you would make you uncomfortable. You might think she believed you but she probably didn't and now that there is doubt placed in a lot of people's heads, you will be watched very closely.

I think a lot of closet guys really think that they are fooling the world but they're really only fooling themselves out of getting the most out of their lives.

Please don't bring some girl home as a way to trick people into thinking you're straight. It isn't fair to you or her.

And tell your best friend you're gay. She's not going to care, it will bring you two closer, it will take a huge weight off, and it will give you some support to start being yourself full time.

E said...

What who gives ya'll the right to make sense!

Ok, ok. Like I said, she deserves the truth. Girl has been honest with me from very early on, even telling me some difficult stuff. I am a guarded person though. I feel like I have to preserve the parts of me that people would potentially use to hurt me. I don't like to depend on the fortitude of other people because they occasionally let things spill and I won't put myself into that position.

I thought rather than tell her, I could give her the blog's url and say nothing. But that feels like a cop out to me. It also ruins that here I can be complete open without the fear of having to face anyone the next day.

DieseljockNYC said...

Okay, I know I already put my two cents in but I'm gonna put in a nickel too.

I don't believe one minute you are living in any sort of lie. But there's a song by Kevin Rudole called "Let It Rock," and there's a line in there that says, "So you pray to God to justify the way you live a lie."

If you say she deserves the truth, are you now admitting that you're lying by omission I think it's all about trust as well, of course. Like I said, I don't think you're living a lie at all but...if you believe she deserves the truth's ultimately up to you to give it to her. I'd be really happy to read a success story about you telling Tiffany.

jay.osa said...

i once took a friend to a gay club and told her this is me deal with it. it didn't go over to well. i think giving her the log address is kind of the same thing. it is better in person so that you can gauge the reaction. if she is that good of a friend then she will be supportive and may help stop the roomers until you are ready to tell more people.

Bruce said...

Do not give her the blogs url, this vehicle is for you to use unsensored. If people you know are reading you will not be open with you posts and it will not serve it's purpose for you. You really should come out to her. She is your best friend and loves you. Besides any straight girl worth her weight loves being a fag hag!!

Aek said...

I hate being blind-sided by things too. It's hard to prepare for every situation and more often than not, you deal with it on the spot.

There isn't much to be said that other bloggers haven't already said, but I totally understand what you mean by being a guarded individual. I'm much the same. It's ultimately your decision when you come out to your best friend - if you're not ready, then you're not ready.

The harder question is, when will you know if you are ready?

Diary of a Mad Latino Man said...

It tooke me forever to tell my best friend about my sexuality. I would tell everyone else except her. I would even tell randoms and she knew that I was gay and telling everyone except her and she still acted surprised when I gave her the news. She said she waited patientlly for me to tell her on my own terms.

You see my best friend was the girl I always thought I would marry. Hahahaha!


naturgesetz said...

What she said is that people are talking. So,you can resolve never to be seen in public with another guy and hope that your denials will be accepted, or you can let people figure it out and not deny it when they ask.

If the latter, you might want to retract your denial to Tiffany.

I've been in the closet all my life, except to a very few who had a right to know and who I was sure wouldn't tell anybody else. No doubt a lot of people have figured it out. But they can't be 100% sure, and nobody challenges me on it. And I've been something of a public figure for almost 35 years. So it can be done if you want to. But not if you go to gay clubs and bars or engage in pda with guys.

California Shy Guy said...

Tell her in person - THEN give her the blog url :)