Saturday, January 24, 2009

And I had the Audacity...

...To go back to the club!

Yes, David called me last night and said that he wanted to go back to the club from last week. I was over my bestfriend's boyfriend's mom's house enjoying Pollo, arroz, y sopa con carne asada. It was sooo good. Haven't ate like that since I was home in Miami. So, while talking to the mom, I got a phone call from David expressing his interest to return to the scene of my first kiss with a guy. I agreed to go, but I was concerned about what happened last time. Not with the guy, but with the girl who saw me. I had every intention to go and not to have a good time. Plus a large part of me was concerned over whether I would be seen again. I wasn't disappointed.

This time I actually saw the culprit who blabbed about last week. Lyn. She was there with two girls. One I had met before and one David knew. I wanted to throw a bottle at her from across the club, but I know Jesus; and my mom would have been disappointed in me. I did showed the big mouth female to David so that he could put a face on the shadowy hater that ran and told everything she could last week.

I felt kinda silly for coming back, but I had a plan this time around. Apart of me wanted her to be there again. I figured that if I was there, but had zero fun that her seeing me there proved nothing. Now, last time I made out with a guy and stuff. So, this time I resolved to stay away from guys, and overall succeeded in not having any fun. I really wanted to dance, cause that's one of my favorite parts about going out. I resisted the urge though. I did find myself bobbing my head or tapping a foot every now and then; but I refused to give in to the music.

I did have to turn down a night with Tiffany to go with David and Curtis. In fairness I had spent the last 3 hours talking to her boyfriend's mom in Spanish, so that she didn't have to suffer though it. The woman can TALK. But half-way through the night I got a headache and cited that as the reason that I didn't want to race Go-karts with them. I told them of my suffering [my headaches are rare, but painful] long before any additional plans were made. Apart of me really wanted to go, but I figured that we could do it another day. I did not like the reaction that I got from her, and we ended up texting each other back and forth until 2am. I was a bit disappointed for some reason. I never put any pressure on her to anything she doesn't want to, and it didn't seem like to me that she had returned the courtesy.

Chances are we are going to ignore each other for a few days. Don't worry that's customary in our relationship. Then she'll call me cause she wants to do something, or I'll start missing her, or she'll have a question. She used to call me Google cause I always have an answer. But I've been recently downgraded to Wiki, cause the other day I said 'I don't know'. Then I told her that her search yielded no results! We had a laugh. But yeah, I think we're going to church with her boyfriend's mother [who loves me! I'm so good with moms; just let them talk ;)]. And then we will start our week away from each other. It is just what we do in place of arguing.

In the meantime I have decisions to make. A lot of comments in the last posts made me think about this whole process. I didn't think that I would have to come to grips with dealing with so many issues with being gay so quickly. I want a boyfriend, but that search comes with much more baggage than I initially planned.

"Keep on Keeping On" by JoJo


Mr. HCI said...

Oh, man . . .

Don't torture yourself!

Her seeing you there a second time is not gonna make her think you're straight if you appear to be having a lousy time. If anything, she'd likely just think you weren't having as much fun as the last time she saw you. That's what I would think, at least.

There are ways to meet guys other than bars. I would think your college would have a gay student group of some kind (unless it's a Bible college or something) and, depending on where you live, there may be gay social groups related to sports, camping, dining out, whatever. Google, young man, Google! your town +gay, for starters.

Aek said...

It sucks that Lyn ruined your experience at the club. She's really affecting you emotionally in how you react to others, it seems.

It'd be easy to say "Forget about her and block her out," but that might not solve anything. It's never good to have something wedge between friends.

And I think it's never easy to be bi (especially at first). But we deal as best we can. :)

naturgesetz said...

A Freudian would say that you are deliberately outing yourself, unconsciously. (I think. I'm not a Freudian. lol)

aron2631 said...

Not sure I understand the logic of insisting on not having a good time. What is that about??

DieseljockNYC said...

Question: what was the point of going to the club? If you weren't going for guys or the music, what were you going for?

Diary of a Mad Latino Man said...

You shouldn't let this bitch stop you from having fun. You need tell slap this bitch and tell her to stay out of grown folks business.

Next time you go out fuck her and have a good time.


E said...

HCI- I guess I could look around at those. I'm really kind of over the whole club scene now. I really kinda go just to dance. I don't even drink.

AEK-Yeah, she really did bring down my night.

Made me laugh. It's been a while sine pysch, but I don't think I'm doing any subconscious outing. IMO.

Aron- I figured if she saw me there and I wasn't having a good time she would assume that I had come with friends that were into that kind of scene.

DJNYC- read above. It is flawed logic, but I didn't know what else to do.

P-LOL! I think I am going to go with a slightly different approach than the club from now on. I got out of it most of what I wanted. HCI gave me some very good tips.

Ryan said...

You're not fooling her. Staying in the closet is not something you can control without actually TAKING CONTROL.

People ARE going to find out about you, whether or not you intend for it to happen. There is no way you can convince them forget or reverse their conclusions. What you can do though is convince them not to spread the news.

Instead of trying to pretend you don't like gay bars or gay culture and hoping this girl thinks you're straight - you need to talk to her, be direct, tell her you're experimenting with your sexuality, and that you would like to do it on your own terms with as much privacy as you can get. She will understand. If she doesn't, you haven't lost anything because she's telling people you're gay anyways.

You're on a slippery slope and coming out is at the bottom - don't let this girl put skis on your feet - stop being so passive.

Doomed But Cheerful! said...

Ah - Ryan has it - you seem to be on that piste - just take back control with some neatly executed turns - dare I suggest a Telemark from time to time (such elan, such a quiet show!)?
Wouldn't it be noce for bi to be as easily accepted as gay? But it is not, IMO - we are seen as predators by all.
And as Mr HCI says - Google it!
(If you don't, I will downgrade you furhter from 'wiki' to '404'!)
G =]